Closed Thread Icon

Topic awaiting preservation: Poetry? (Page 1 of 1) Pages that link to <a href="http://ozoneasylum.com/backlink?for=14303" title="Pages that link to Topic awaiting preservation: Poetry? (Page 1 of 1)" rel="nofollow" >Topic awaiting preservation: Poetry? <span class="small">(Page 1 of 1)</span>\

 
Erised
Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Nowhere
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 06-27-2003 23:53

Deleted

[This message has been edited by Erised (edited 06-28-2003).]

InSiDeR
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Oblivion
Insane since: Sep 2001

posted posted 06-27-2003 23:55

I don't see any reason why not. And I don't think anyone else would either.


_____________________
Prying open my third eye.

Erised
Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Nowhere
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 06-28-2003 00:01

Ok here goes:

Nevermind

Thoughts?



[This message has been edited by Erised (edited 06-28-2003).]

InSiDeR
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Oblivion
Insane since: Sep 2001

posted posted 06-28-2003 00:07

Did you write that yourself? I'm not quite sure what you're asking for. If it's a crit this probably isn't the best place to get it from. I'm not saying that anyone here is poetry illiterate but there are web refrences created for the purpose of crits.

So if you could please specify a little more .


_____________________
Prying open my third eye.

Erised
Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Nowhere
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 06-28-2003 00:24

Deleted


[This message has been edited by Erised (edited 06-28-2003).]

outcydr
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: out there
Insane since: Oct 2001

posted posted 06-28-2003 03:46

it's short - i''ll say that

(short) interpretation - feeling apart from it all; at the same time, being a part of it all

good to see someone interested in expressing themselves through poetry

let this Compensation inspire you to write more

DL-44
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: under the bed
Insane since: Feb 2000

posted posted 06-28-2003 04:18

I'll agree with outcyder.

I'll also say that I'm not blown away by the poem. I've read *much* much worse, most certainly, but this is also a bit on the 'cliche' side.

Now, of course, that can also be attributed to the fact that these are common feelings that most people go through - and that's obviously not a bad thing.

I think it lacks detail, and needs to be more personal - make *your* statement, rather than a general statement of confusion or misdirection.

Go further....


Suho1004
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Seoul, Korea
Insane since: Apr 2002

posted posted 06-28-2003 05:25

I've got to agree with DL, I think. Apologies if this comes out sounding harsh--I was a creative writing major in university, and I developed a rather critical reviewing style due to the large amounts of crap I had to process in CW 101.

What I'm seeing in this poem is a series of four ideas that try to be profound but end up being clich&#233;. Honestly, they don't really say anything to me. They are too abstract--no imagery at all. Not that abstraction is always a bad thing in poetry, but there is just nothing for the reader to grab onto here.

Ultimately, I have to echo DL's advice: it needs details, as in vivid images, etc., and it needs to be more personal. We don't know why this is important to you--you need to show us why. The human experience is indeed universal, so we may understand the emotions you are describing, but without those personal details there is no reason for us to bother.

[Edit: Stupid character entity references...]



www.liminality.org

Erised
Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Nowhere
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 06-28-2003 08:19

Deleted

[This message has been edited by Erised (edited 06-28-2003).]

Erised
Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Nowhere
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 06-28-2003 08:25

Deleted

[This message has been edited by Erised (edited 06-28-2003).]

Perfect Thunder
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Milwaukee
Insane since: Oct 2001

posted posted 06-28-2003 09:33
quote:
I really was not looking for what you thought of the poem, but rather what those four "ideas" meant to the reader. I would certainly never change it, for the simple fact that it was an emotional state in which I was in at that moment.



If you're not really wondering whether we like it or not, or whether we think it's good, then our responding comments are guaranteed to be pretty slim. What's worse, if you want us to discuss the underlying emotions or concepts of your poems, then you'd better be ready for comments like "well, I might have been moved by your poem if only... whoops, can't discuss whether it's good or bad!"

After reading "Enchanted Garden," I'm done with this thread. I'm too intimidated by its quality to risk sullying it with my awkward words. ... ... wait, was that sarcasm? I can't even tell anymore.

Hmm... I've got an idea! (edit: Jump!

Cell 1250 :: alanmacdougall.com :: Illustrator tips

[This message has been edited by Perfect Thunder (edited 06-28-2003).]

Erised
Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Nowhere
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 06-28-2003 10:55

Deleted

[This message has been edited by Erised (edited 06-28-2003).]

Perfect Thunder
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Milwaukee
Insane since: Oct 2001

posted posted 06-28-2003 11:42

Lurk around the Photoshop forum and you'll see that we're a bunch of hard-nosed bastards here. We've got nothing against emotion, but expressing your emotion is both an art and a craft, and both art and craft can be improved, honed, and magnified by criticism and reiteration. My poems mean a lot to me: I want them to be as good as possible, and I treasure it when people tell me how to improve them. Your poems mean a lot to you: you prefer to let them stand as they are, without suggestions on how they could be improved.

This suggests to me that one of us should be placing poems in a public forum known for the harshness and accuracy of its critiques, and one of us should not. Poetry is just fine as a private discipline; ask Emily Dickinson.

Cell 1250 :: alanmacdougall.com :: Illustrator tips

Moon Shadow
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Rouen, France
Insane since: Jan 2003

posted posted 06-28-2003 11:55

Grey and dark hearts feel colorful images of life,
The daily preocupations vanish slowly,
Replaced by imaginary thoughts,
Wonderful hopes in a boundless dream,

Humanity rediscover poetry.



Ok, ok, the form is maybe surprising, and the whole poem pretty bad, but I actually prefer writing them in French, I'm far better in my natural language

[This message has been edited by Moon Shadow (edited 06-28-2003).]

Erised
Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Nowhere
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 06-28-2003 12:01

Deleted

[This message has been edited by Erised (edited 06-28-2003).]

outcydr
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: out there
Insane since: Oct 2001

posted posted 06-28-2003 13:46

erised:
sorry to see you deleting your posts - guess i missed "enchanted garden"

here's a little 3-part haiku i wrote some time ago.
it may sound a bit dumb to some people, but like all poetry, it probably has a different and/or "deeper" meaning to the author than to the reader. maybe not. i made it as mine. you make it whatever you desire to make it. that's the trick. anyway...

first i must warn you
i might be slow on the draw
but my aim is true

exclusive - for you
do i write these fleeting words
poetic vapor

scribed not on paper
but into the ether waves
to be lost or found



Suho1004
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Seoul, Korea
Insane since: Apr 2002

posted posted 06-28-2003 14:29

Erised: If you hadn't deleted all your posts, I would probably have something to say. I'm assuming you took offense at what I wrote, which is too bad. It was an analysis of your poem, not an attack on you. I hope you didn't take it that way.

My e-mail is in my profile, so if you have anything you want to discuss with me, fire away.

[Edit: Oh, it is also very bad form to delete posts once a thread has grown up around them. Please try to avoid that in the future.]

[This message has been edited by Suho1004 (edited 06-28-2003).]

Erised
Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Nowhere
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 06-28-2003 14:40
quote:
Originally Posted by Perfect Thunder

This suggests to me that one of us should be placing poems in a public forum known for the harshness and accuracy of its critiques, and one of us should not. Poetry is just fine as a private discipline; ask Emily Dickinson.



You had nothing to do with the fact that I deleted my poems Suho.

Thanks for the nice comments and to the ppl who posted there poetry.

*Edit* For the ppl who really want to read my poetry you can find it here http://www.t4dstudio.com/m_anderson.htm


[This message has been edited by Erised (edited 06-28-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Erised (edited 06-28-2003).]

Perfect Thunder
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Milwaukee
Insane since: Oct 2001

posted posted 06-28-2003 18:09

For posterity, allow me to repost Erised's poem "Enchanted Garden," the poem which prompted me to start the other thread. I may have sounded rude before; allow me to say that I honestly think people can learn something valuable from this poem.

quote:
Such charm, such grace
To gaze upon my angels face
A vision of grandeur I see before me
There is no other place I would rather be
Our bond shared in this special place
I, clothed in my elegant gown embellished in lace
You, adorned in your charming princely fashion
Within our souls burns our endless passion
The hushed onlookers observe the amour I display,
And the devotion you announce for me on this wondrous day
For in this wonderfully enchanted garden we recite our vows
In our hearts we are unified, happily we turn and take our bows
On this day our bond is thoroughly revealed
And in our hearts our love is sealed . . .



Cell 1250 :: alanmacdougall.com :: Illustrator tips

Erised
Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Nowhere
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 06-28-2003 19:17

I hope you don't mean how not to write a poem? You are serious this time? You are not just patronizing me?


*Edit*

I guess I did let my feelings get hurt, sorry for deleting all my posts. I have a lot emotions invested in my poetry, I should not have taken it so personal. Everyone forgive me?




[This message has been edited by Erised (edited 06-28-2003).]

Suho1004
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Seoul, Korea
Insane since: Apr 2002

posted posted 06-29-2003 14:20

There is nothing to forgive, really, as far as I am concerned.

The problem (if it can be called a problem) with poetry is that it tends to be very personal, and people associate very closely with their poetry. So it is very easy to take criticism of one's poetry as criticism of one's person. Whatever else may have been said, I am sure that no one here meant to put anyone down personally. It just sometimes becomes hard to separate ourselves from our work, and people get hurt.

Erised: Your welcome here was probably not what you were expecting. I am glad to see, though, that you are beginning to separate yourself a bit from your work, and that things that might have been said and done in the heat of the moment are being rethought. I hope we will get a chance to get to know each other better, and if at some point in the future you would like to discuss poetry on an artistic level, I would be more than happy to oblige. I must admit that it's been a while since I've been around poetry, so I may be a little rusty. If any good has come out of this, though, it is that I have begun to think about poetry again, and I miss it. Who knows? Maybe I'll even start writing it again...

Erised
Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Nowhere
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 06-29-2003 21:49

Thank you for your kind words Suho. I would be more than happy to talk poetry (or whatever comes to mind) and get to know you better. I will post my business website on another thread to see how they can tear that apart. *being silly*

Thank you again

« BackwardsOnwards »

Show Forum Drop Down Menu