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Yannah
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: In your Hard Drive; C:
Insane since: Dec 2002

posted posted 04-05-2004 06:19

Anguish Poetry

Tell me what you think about the poem. Please!
I need to be feed with criticisms...NOW!

Deviations

norm
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: [s]underwater[/s] under-snow in Juneau
Insane since: Sep 2002

posted posted 04-05-2004 07:36

line 1- drop the word 'something'

line 6- add 'it' so the line will read:'But it tends to be a rule'

line 10- did you mean 'soul' ?

line 13- add ' is' so the line reads: 'But the truth is...'

line 16- add a noun or a pronoun after 'And'

line 17- drop the word 'Like', or the word 'way'. Using them both is redundant

You should add some punctuation, so that the poem is read the way you would want it spoken.

This poem reminds me of some artwork of yours I saw..... something about slit wrists and blood and darkness. Am I detecting some kind of a theme here?

Personally, I think the whole pain and suffering with dark undertones has been done so often by teenage girls that you may want to reach for something a bit more original, art wise. Maybe express the joy of having discovered the misery and mental anguish that comes with life.....What about the exquisite beauty of each painful moment in the living hell that is your life? Now that could be art!

Keep up the poetry Yannah, because the only way to be heard is to say something real.


Now that I have torn your poem apart, feel free to do the same with one of mine:

on stone

[This message has been edited by norm (edited 04-05-2004).]

Suho1004
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Seoul, Korea
Insane since: Apr 2002

posted posted 04-05-2004 09:55

I used to teach a lot of writing classes to people who were learning English as a second or foreign language, and I learned something important about offering criticism. Note that this doesn't only apply to language-learning situations, or to a teacher-student relationship, which is why I mention it here. Anyway, what I learned was this: never try to deal with everything at once, and work from the biggest problems to the smallest problems.

Keeping this in mind, I am not going to offer you grammatical or word choice advice, but I'm going to try to give you some general advice. Mind you that some of this may seem a tad harsh, but you did ask for criticism... rather forcefully, I might add.

In creative writing (and this applies especially to poetry), we have a saying: "Show, don't tell." To elaborate: "Don't tell me how you feel, make me feel what you're feeling." Yes, teenage angst poetry may have been done to death, and will undoubtedly continue to be done to death, but it is not the subject that makes the majority of this sort of poetry more painful than pouring lemon juice in an open wound. See? I just did it--I gave you a graphic image of how painful I generally find teen angst "poetry" to be. Yeah, so it's a cliche, but you know what I mean.

I've got to be straight with you here, Yannah. While I think it's great that you're writing, and I in no way want to discourage you from expressing yourself, what you have here is not poetry. Just because you arrange words in lines and stanzas doesn't mean that these words suddenly become poetry. To the average reader, free verse poetry may often look like prose that is simply arranged differently, but this is not the case. Poetry does not sit you down for a nice chat, make small talk about the weather, and offer you a glass of lemonade--poetry grabs your arm and injects itself into your bloodstream, coursing through your veins in all its fiery glory until it reaches your heart and floods you with hope, fear, joy, or sadness. Well, at least good poetry does that.

I swear that when I'm gone
We will see each other some day
And will make you feel anguish inside and out.


Someday? No, I want to feel that anguish now! Come on, Yannah, this poem should be smacking me in the face and then kicking me when I'm down. Instead it just kind of glowers at me with a vague hint of a threat in its eyes. I want more than this. It's just not enough--I'm not feeling it.


___________________________
Suho: www.liminality.org

Begónia-Rex
Neurotic (0) Inmate
Newly admitted

From: Caracas
Insane since: Apr 2004

posted posted 04-05-2004 11:50

Hm....it sounds like a song to me....

Note: i hate poetry, so... im so sorry if im not telling anything that can help u with it :P
BUT my ear tells me it's a good poem.... to someone sing it... i tried to sing it and...it went fine

/me sings!


I'm free! So free!

Ruski
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From:
Insane since: Jul 2002

posted posted 04-05-2004 16:02

Yahnna, stop listening to Linking Park

viol
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Charles River
Insane since: May 2002

posted posted 04-05-2004 16:10
quote:
i hate poetry


Me too!
So, I can't offer advices.

Actually, I don't hate poetry. I just don't have the sensibility to feel anything when reading them. They are just boring. I know it's my fault, but I can't help it.

But to show that I am not a monster and actually a real sensitive human being, music touches me deeply. And the lyrics of some songs, also touch me. So, I guess that I like poetry when wrapped with a beautiful tune (and as long as the writer doesn't make the it too affected).

DL-44
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: under the bed
Insane since: Feb 2000

posted posted 04-05-2004 18:05

Have to go with Suho 100% here.

Before getting into how to present your thoughts/feelings, you have to first establish clearly to yourself what those thoughts/feelings are.

Once you've got that firm in your mind you have endless possibilities of how to get them out in words - and then you can get more indepth feed back that will be productive.

Personally, whenever I have written poetry, I have tried to get the ideas out in as few words as possible. The trick there is making sure the words that you use are powerful and descriptive.

Yannah
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: In your Hard Drive; C:
Insane since: Dec 2002

posted posted 04-06-2004 03:58

Thank you, just keep 'em coming and I'll keep them in mind.
Once again, you all have proven me that you all are great in literacy.
Yes, this "poetry" seem to be not one.
Talk to y'all later.

quote:
Yahnna, stop listening to Linking Park


Not listening to Linkin Park makes no difference at all. I tell you.

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