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tomeaglescz
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Czech Republic via Bristol UK
Insane since: Feb 2002

posted posted 11-30-2004 04:24

well after 22 years some of you may rember a thread of mine a long time ago when myself and my father were going to reconcile, well it never happened in the end, and tonight while i was out drinking with my friends he died so i hear now he didnt want me at his funeral so the question is do i go or respect his last request.... i am torn in half now and really don't know what to do... it may seem stupid for some people here for me to be asking for this advice, but i can help, sometimes give advice but now i am totally lost for the first time in my life and it hurts.....

tom

WarMage
Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: Rochester, New York, USA
Insane since: May 2000

posted posted 11-30-2004 04:33

No, you don't follow his request. Especially since it doesn't sound like it were part of his last words. I am sorry for your lose, but it is now your last chance to reconsile with him, don't let it slip by.

Dan @ Code Town

Emperor
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Cell 53, East Wing
Insane since: Jul 2001

posted posted 11-30-2004 05:07

Tom: Sorry to hear that

At the moment it depends on the wishes of the rest of the family. If they'd be upset by your going then I'd consider not going (it depends on how well you get on with them).

___________________
Emps

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zavaboy
Bipolar (III) Inmate

From: f(x)
Insane since: Jun 2004

posted posted 11-30-2004 06:28

I agree with both WarMage and Emperor.

I don't know what it feels like to be in your place, I'll probably never feel your pain. I will pray for you, your father and family. My best wishes to you and your family!

NoJive
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: The Land of one Headlight on.
Insane since: May 2001

posted posted 11-30-2004 07:03

Mostly what Emps said but... clearly there was a lot of unfinished business between you two. The was applies to him.... for you it still is unfinished.

If your family wants you to stay away from the service/burial/cremation then ask them if it would be acceptable if you went to the funeral home several hours before they all do... allowing you some time with your dad. You then make sure you're long gone before anyone else shows up.

If they say no to that try to work something out with the funeral home...allowing you some time.

If that doesn't work and he's going to buried then go to the cemetary find some spot where you can watch the internment... but basically be out of sight. When everyone leaves.... you go down and say your piece.

If he's going to be cremated go to the crematorium and watch the smoke go up...and say your piece.

Or disregard what your family says and just attend the funeral. Or hold your own funeral.

The sooner you bury your dad (and all that wasn't right between you) the better. I know this one intimately... took me nearly 40 years to bury my dad. You do not want to do the same.

Bury him now and get on with your life.

Sorry if I've come across a bit harsh.

norm
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: [s]underwater[/s] under-snow in Juneau
Insane since: Sep 2002

posted posted 11-30-2004 19:51

Respect your father's wishes, but make sure and mourn him in your own way, don't try and ignore the grief. Remember that the saddness and pain we feel is our own, we mourn our loss not that of our deceased loved one.

Your post really hits home for me. The last time I stood next to my father was 20 years ago. We didn't even talk for over ten years. So much has changed.... he has 3 grandkids he has never met. I guess it's time for me to drop in on him, while I still can.

Tao
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: The Pool Of Life
Insane since: Nov 2003

posted posted 12-01-2004 15:47

I'm sorry and saddened to hear your news Tom.
You say "i hear now he didnt want me at his funeral". Was this from a good source? Not knowing all the relevent facts I would say you should perhaps not attend the funeral, especially if going will cause further upset to your family. Instead you could grieve in your own way, perhaps with other family members.
As others have said, I also think it is wise to try to talk these things through with the rest of your family, not just to let it brood and remain unsaid.
It's true that it is our own loss that we mourn.
There are no easy answers here I'm sorry to say my friend. Do what you can in the service of your family, with a good heart, is the best I can offer.
My condolences

:::tao::: ::cell::

DL-44
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: under the bed
Insane since: Feb 2000

posted posted 12-01-2004 18:00

My view is this - you missed the chance you had to reconcile while he was here.

You can't change that.

You shouldn't miss the 'final farewell'. You won't be able to get that back either...

You can't make peace with him, but you can make peace with yourself.

WebShaman
Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: Happy Hunting Grounds...
Insane since: Mar 2001

posted posted 12-01-2004 22:36

^And that is the hard truth. I'm sorry at your loss, Tom. We talked about this together over MSN, I know.

quote:
You can't make peace with him, but you can make peace with yourself.



That is some very good advice. Well said, DL.

I'm available, if you need to talk.

Bugimus
Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: New California
Insane since: Mar 2000

posted posted 12-02-2004 16:02

I'm very sorry, tom. I don't know the specifics of the rest of your family so I think you have to weigh how much your being at the funeral will harm those who remain here with your desire to pay final respects. If it would cause more strife in the family by going then I would consider not going while keeping in mind that you do have to make peace with this most difficult thing for yourself. I have no idea how hard this must be for you and I am very sorry to hear about your hurting. Stay strong.

: . . DHTML Slice Puzzle : . . .

tomeaglescz
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Czech Republic via Bristol UK
Insane since: Feb 2002

posted posted 12-04-2004 17:15

well i didnt go to the funeral, but am flying home next week, i wrote a letter to him explaining all i did in the last 22 years and it was placed inside his casket so even if he didnt know in this life, if there is another one, he will be able to know what i did. I have made my peace with him now and will visit his grave when i am there..

Thankyou everyone for your advice and support....

norm, dont miss the chance take it while u still can

Emperor
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Cell 53, East Wing
Insane since: Jul 2001

posted posted 12-04-2004 18:26

Tom: That seems like a good compromise - glad you could work it out in time.

quote:
norm said:

Your post really hits home for me. The last time I stood next to my
father was 20 years ago. We didn't even talk for over ten years. So
much has changed.... he has 3 grandkids he has never met. I guess it's
time for me to drop in on him, while I still can.



Yep. I buried a friend on Friday and another one on Monday and so I've had a good chat about this with m friends and if aything comes from such tragedies it is the message that you have to try and make a difference, not to leaving any bad feelings unresolved and to tell your loved ones that you do love them. treat everyday as if it will be your last because by the time you find out it is then its far too late to do much about it

Carpe deum indeed.

___________________
Emps

The Emperor dot org | Justice for Pat Richard | FAQs: Emperor | Site Reviews | Reception Room

Skaarjj
Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: :morF
Insane since: May 2000

posted posted 12-07-2004 09:25

Mmmmhmmmm... closure's the word of the day. The chance to mend things is past, that window's closed now, and your family doesn't want you at the funeral. I'd respect that, not for their sake, but becuase you would be doing it out of respect for your father. Besides, no amount of wailing and weeping will take your grief away from you. The funeral is in your heart, it always is, and it never leaves. So cry, hit things (not people preferably), scream, do whatever you have to do to express your grief, and raise a glass to your father. What is past is past, and we cannot live in the past, it is a no-man's land. We can only live in the now, day to day, moment to moment, and simply do the best we can in the times to come.


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