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Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Kansas City, MO , USA
Insane since: Feb 2002

IP logged posted posted 08-17-2007 14:26 Edit Quote

As part of my growing and moving on from the old me, I am posting this on the sites I visit...

Dear Chris Ensell,
I remember the day you came into my life. I watched as my brother died. That was the day you moved in, uninvited. I do not remember much after that day, but by what I have been told, you made many people unpleasant and you hurt me as much as possible. You sabotaged everything I put my hands on, or people that I loved. You would steal from them, you would lie to them, you would disrespect them, you did everything you could to ruin every dream and goal I set for myself. I never had control of you. You ran freely through the best moments of my life, making them the worst moments of my life.

I donít know why you did this, and I donít know why I let you do so for such a long time. I canít understand why someone would make it their goal to destroy another personís goal. No matter how hard I tried, you were always one step behind me, ready to trip me every time I made a step towards a better life. How can someone find as much joy as you had doing that.

I wish I had been stronger. I wish I could have been smarter. I wish I could have had the power that you had robbed me of. There are many things I wish I could have had. Sometimes I was so close to a goal in my life, that I could literally feel it, taste it, hear it, and see it. But there you were, to snatch it away from me without delay.

I canít blame you all for this. I knew what I did was wrong. I knew this. I would tell myself that I am a better person than this. I am strong enough to fight you on my own. I was wrong. I needed help, but I was too afraid to ask for help. I did not want to be as weak as everyone thought I was. I know I was weak. I was weak because every time I was strong, you would knock me down, and take that away from me.

However, on this day, this hour, and this minute, I declare that no longer will you control my life. You will never again tell me that I canít do something and me listen to you. No. You have had control over me for far to long. Sure, I know that you will always be a part of me, but never again will I allow me to be a part of you. Just because you speak, does not me that I must listen. Just because you say that I can not move forward, does not mean I can not take that step. You have for to long hurt those whom I love, you nearly took my life on several occasions, but that will never happen again. I am going to live my life, and I am going to become something where I can make a difference. Something where I can prevent you from hurting another person like you did to me. I am sick of watching people flying up to their dreams, only to see your darkness surround them so that they lose their way.

I have always thought of saying goodbye is a way of saying ďI will probably never see you againĒ, that is why I try my best to say ďSee you laterĒ when I am talking to people I would like to see again. Since I know that you will always be 2 steps behind me until the day we both run out of life, I will say see you, however, those days that you find an opportunity to sneak in and try pushing me in a direction I donít want to go, I will dig up every ounce of strength I have in my body, mind, and soul to push you aside, and keep moving forward. When you speak to me, I shall turn my head and listen only to the ones I love. You no longer will have that or any power over me.

I remember when people would reach out to me, and all you did was slap their hands away. I remember when people tried to share their heart, you would spit on them. No longer will this happen. I will openly take any hand held out to me, when someone shares their heart with me, I will share mine with them. You will no longer affect my relationships and friendships. I am sick and tired of having no friendships or relationships. I may no longer have someone in my life to hold, talk to until the sun comes up, or stare into the eyes up. But someday, I will once again, and knowing that you will not have the power to fuck that up again brings a smile to my face.

You are just a voice in my head, and never again will your words have power over me. I am in control now, not you.

I walk a hard road as two but I am aware that the other one is talking to himself and not to me. He is telling himself he is a failure...not me.

It is hard to grasp the concept it is himself he is talking to, not me. I was just overhearing him speak. If I hear him speak negatively about himself, I will flood him with positive feelings... I won't talk back to him, he can't hear me but he can feel my emotions.

... And now, I move on with my own life and my own positive thoughts. I am damn tired of living someone else's life, it is time for me to live my own. I want to be able to cry again, smile a real smile, love someone instead of fearing to be myself.

In conclusion, shut the fuck up.,
Chris Ensell

Maniac (V) Inmate

From: The Land of one Headlight on.
Insane since: May 2001

IP logged posted posted 08-17-2007 15:50 Edit Quote

Good for you Chris. It's not easy making a turn around but you are certainly on your way. Keep it up. Get lots of sunshine. Seriously.

"I was so high, I could have gone duck huntin' with a rake." Roger Miller

Maniac (V) Inmate

From: The Pool Of Life
Insane since: Nov 2003

IP logged posted posted 08-18-2007 00:52 Edit Quote

The heart is a lonely hunter en i belive you are moving in the right direction
Chin up

Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: New California
Insane since: Mar 2000

IP logged posted posted 08-19-2007 02:54 Edit Quote

It's never too late to do the right thing. Don't ever hesitate to contact us if you need to chat because I've learned it can't been done alone. Stay strong

. . . : : . . Innervating Your Eyes & Mind : . . .

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