Preserved Topic: Standup comedy!!! (Page 1 of 2)

A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a
naked woman, with leaves covering her body.
When asked what he was doing, he answered,
'Waiting for autumn.

keep the laughs going..

How do you confuse an idiot?

"seven".

mahjqa: But that makes no sense.........

___________________
Emps

FAQs: Emperor

You mean it confuses you?

A buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says "make me one with everything."

mahjqa:

A magician turns into a side street.

___________________
Emps

FAQs: Emperor

How do you keep an idiot waiting ?

There was an English man, a French man and an American man, walking the streets together.
The English man happened upon a lamp and picked it up.
He was cleaning it when out poped a geenie who offered them a wish each.

The English man said "I am a farmer, my father and his father before him were farmers. Let the soils of England be rich and fertile for ever more"

The geenie raised his hands and the wish was granted.

The French man spoke up next, saying "I wish for a wall to rise up and encircle France, to protect us from outsiders"

Again, the geenie raised his hands and the wish was granted.
He then turned to the American to ask his wish.

The American said "Before we get to that, tell me about this wall"

"The wall," replied the geenie, "is 100ft high and 50ft thick. It is completely inpenetrable"

"Great" replied the American... "Fill it with water"

Sponges grow in the ocean... ... ...

...that just kill me.

p.s. Dufty I didn't think we were supposed to tell jokes like that anymore

. . : slicePuzzle

We weren't?
When did we get all PC? *Shrugs*

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

A: We don't know. It's never been done before! :

[This message has been edited by SPyX (edited 04-05-2003).]

A Mexican, an American, and a Russian walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this some kind of joke?"

What has two legs and bleeds profusely? ... Half a cat.

What do you do when you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub? ... Throw in a load of laundry.

BTW, we've done this before http://www.ozoneasylum.com/Forum17/HTML/000553.html

Well, it certainly won't be the first time we've repeated something around here.

Well, it certainly won't be the first time we've repeated something around here.

Well, it certainly won't be the first time we've repeated something around here.

ditto



.:[ Never resist a perfect moment ]:.

A man woke up from a coma. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad
news."
What's the good news?"
"Your penis has grown 6 inches longer."
"Hey! That's great. What's the bad news?"
"It's malignant."

"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after
making love to his
wife.
"No, dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."


A passenger plane is about to crash - the pilot announces there's no
hope. A militant feminist stands up and says, "If I'm going to die I want
to die happy."

She takes all her clothes off and shouts, "Is there any man here who is
man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A guy stands up and takes his shirt off and says "Yeah -- iron that."

Noah had been on the ocean for 40 days and 40 nights, with an ark full of animals .. two of each. Things were getting a little slippery underfoot to say the least, with all those animals and no fields for them to do their natural business, and Noah is at his wits end with it all so he prays ...

"God... I got a problem with all this animal dung" ...
"Do'nt worry Noah", says God. "Just get your family to pile it all up on the bows of the Ark and when you're done, call me back", and with that she hangs up the phone.

Seven days of hard toil results in a very tired Noah family, and a HUMUNGOUS pile of crap ... Noah gets out the hotline again ...

"Done it God, but now what do I do ???"
God thinks a second, and then she replies ....

"Just shove it overboard and leave it for Christopher Columbus to find".

====================================================
(I don't like the french either, but I'm not sad enough to make up jokes about them just because they won't join in the Bush Desert Party. After all, why should they. The French and the Russians were already negotiating with Saddact for the rights to Iraq's oil long before the Americans and the Brits decided to steal it by force. So the French and the Russians both have a lot to lose if the cowboys and lawyers (and their British toilet cleaners) win the game ...


Bug-free software only exisits in two places
A programmer's mind and a salesman's lips

[This message has been edited by trib (edited 04-06-2003).]

Two guys walk into a bar... you'd think ONE of them would have ducked.


It's only after we've lost everything...
That we're free to do anything...

On a good day a women helps an old lady to cross he street, the old lady turns out to be a thankfull ghost.
So the ghost tells the women she may do three wishes."But remember everything you wish will be ten times as much for your husband." the ghost says.
"Ok" says the women "my first wish would be: To be the most beautyfull person on earth"
Instatnly she turns in a very beautyfull lady. With a perfect body and skin.
"My second wish: make me the richest woman in the world".
The second wish is also granted by the ghost.
"Remember your husband is getting it all in tenfold"
"Yeah that's why i want my third wish to be an almost but not completly deadly hart attack....."


"Freedom of speech is by no means freedom to insult others" from the Razorart goodbye letter.

quote:

---

Well, it certainly won't be the first time we've repeated something around here.

---

Yep, I know. I was just hoping we could get some different jokes is all... I started writing out that post and thought for sure I'd posted them here before, which is what made me think of that...

On that note...

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.

After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said 'tacit'--so I took it!"


OK, maybe that's only funny if you play in a jazz band...

[This message has been edited by Lord_Fukutoku (edited 04-06-2003).]

An American section raids an Iraqi school, finding protractors, slide rulers, compasses, set squares... In an interview afterwards an American general justified the attack; "what we found here were clearly weapons of maths instruction".



[This message has been edited by quisja (edited 04-07-2003).]

A top Iraqi official held a meeting this week with all the Saddam body doubles and look-alikes:

"Well guys, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that our glorious leader is alive and well even after all the bombing. The bad news is that he lost an arm."

SPyX: That was really funny....

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights.
She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at
him,
"how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Edit: They move those pictures around apparently.

[This message has been edited by SPyX (edited 04-08-2003).]

we have that in my school, stndup comedian, it wasn't funny, he thought that he's jerry seinfeild and all that.

Ok, Yannah's joke wins.


Q: Why was the school house red?
A: You'd be red too if you had six periods a day.

Man and woman, both in love, both seem to be very shy about sex and never touched eachother before. Despite all that, he proposes and she agrees to accept his proposal on one condition ... he has to accept her "terrible secret". He loves her so much, he assures her, that he would accept anything just to be with her. Then she tells him ... she's been wearing a padded bra all this time, and in fact she has the breasts of a 10 year old girl.

He reassures her gently and lovingly and tells her that doesn't matter at all ... but while they're on the subject he also has a confession to make ... his penis is like a new-born baby.

She accepts this, and they plan their marriage and future together.

Time passes, they marry, and the honeymoon bed awaits ... alone together in the room, she undresses, shyly, demurely, and sure enough, standing in all her glory, she has no breasts

... then he undresses and she recoils in absolute horror ...

"I though you said you had a penis like a new-born baby" she howls ...

I do" he replies defensively .... "fourteen inches long, 8 lb 7 oz, and with a head the size of a large grapefruit".


I think I've forgotten whether I have Altzheimers or not.


[This message has been edited by trib (edited 04-07-2003).]

Did ya hear about the blonde nurse who thought cubicles were square gonads ??

... and cuticles were pretty ones ...

Three wives, one bottle of vodka, and finally they get into a "so-what" competition ...

"My husband's a concert pianist and his touch is so delicate it drives me wiiiiilllllld with desire" .....
"My husband's an all in wrestler and he just sweeps me off my feet - oooohhhh he's all meat!!!" .....
"sigh ... Mines a Microsoft salesman and he just sits on the end of the bed all night telling me how much I'm going to enjoy it once he can get all the bugs out of it"


[This message has been edited by trib (edited 04-07-2003).]

oldie but goodie

So this guy walks into a bar carrying a little bag. He sits down, orders a drink, then reaches into the little bag, pulls out a tiny piano and places it on the bar. He then reaches back into the bag, pulls out a guy about a foot tall in a tuxedo, sets him down at the tiny piano and the little guy starts playing.

The bartender goes to the guy "Hey where'd you get that little piano player?" and the man replies "There's a bottle outside, rub it and a genie will come out".

So the bartender walks outside, sees the lamp and rubs it. A genie comes out and says "What is your wish master?" and the bartender says "I want a million bucks!". To which the genie replies "Go back in the bar and it will be there"

So the bartender goes back into the bar and theres a shitload of ducks all over the place! Quacking, feathers flying all over.

So the bartender goes up to the guy at the bar and says "Hey Is that genie deaf or something? I wished for a million bucks and got a million ducks! and the guy says "Hey you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"



.:[ Never resist a perfect moment ]:.

[This message has been edited by bitdamaged (edited 04-08-2003).]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, she explained, and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did...
Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Edit: Fixed

[This message has been edited by Petskull (edited 04-08-2003).]

beer jokes r damn funny.....i guess it's because we all know the feeling....sheessh


A cop caught a drunk just in front of a house, trying to get in.
"Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked the thoroughly
sozzled man.
"Shertainly," said the drunk, "an' if you'll jesh open the door f'me,
I'll prove it to you."
"You shee that piano?" the drunk began. "Thash mine.You shee that TV?
Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me."
The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the
second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.
"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee that bed? Thash my bed.
Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. And shee that guy
lying next to her?"
"Yeah," said the cop suspiciously.
"Thash me!"

I want more damnit, more!!! So I'm bumping this thread up..

lookie what I found.. http://www.laughlab.co.uk/topByCountry.html

Even though I live in Puerto Rico, I found Germany's joke the funniest of all. Here it is:

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: ?That's not it? and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: ?That's it.?


Come on!! Let's keep this going! Find more if you have to!

[This message has been edited by Petskull (edited 04-17-2003).]

alright, i've got one. this one is one of my all-time favourites, so i'm not sure if i've told it here before.

two men are sitting in a bar on the top floor of a new york building, chatting and drinking beer.

one, a local says to the other, "you know, here in new york city, there are some amazing updrafts!"

the other, from out of town, replies, "yeah, i've heard about that - it's from all the buildings being so big, and so close together, right?"

"that's true. but did you know that the draft is so strong, you can jump off the balcony there, and it'll just blow you right back up again?"

the other man laughs, and spits out his beer. "That's a nice one! Do i really look like that stupid a tourist?"

"I'm serious! The draft is so strong, you can just jump off, and i'll blow you straight back up and onto the balcony."

shaking his head, that other man says, "i'll believe when i see it."

"well, would you like to see it now?"

"Sure! Just don't expect me to scrape you off the pavement, buddy!"

Without hesitation, the local leads the other man outside, climbs onto the railing of the balcony, and jumps.
Alarmed, the other man rushes to the railing and looks over, and to his shock, he sees the falling man slow down, then suddenly lift right back up and onto the balcony!

Still not believing his eyes, the man tells the local, "Do that again! That was amazing!"

The local shrugs his shoulders, nods, and does a repeat performance - and now, the other man is very excited.

"So, can I do that?" he asks eagerly.

"Sure, why not? It worked just fine for me, didn't it!"

Taking a final drink of his beer for courage, the man climbs on the balcony, and jumps.

Screaming loudly, the man hurtles towards the earth, and hits the ground with a disgusting 'splat'.

The bartender walks out to the local, shakes his head, and says: "superman, you can be such a bastard when you're drunk."



[This message has been edited by reitsma (edited 04-17-2003).]

reitsma:
In the mid eighties I worked at a windpark (hundreds of windmills) just outside of Palm Springs. There was a cliff there that you could stand on the edge of, lean over as far as you could and the updraft would not allow you to fall. I was amazed the first time I tried it, but never actually tried a running jump...

oh yeah, a joke-

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that hey learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,
"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot the bastard."

wow... this is one for the Asylum-

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?

The boy said, "Look I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."


Code - CGI - links - DHTML - Javascript - Perl - programming - Magic - http://www.twistedport.com
ICQ: 67751342

/* norm mutters to himself: 'man, some people get all the cool stuff.....a talking frog. I bet he's got an iPod too.' */

An Attorney and an Tax Accountant are sitting next to each
other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Attorney leans over
to the Tax Accountant and asks if he would like to play a
fun game. The Tax Accountant just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a
few winks.

The Attorney persists and explains that the game is really
easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I'll ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5." Again,
the Tax Accountant politely declines and tries to get some
sleep.

The Attorney, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $50!" This catches the Tax Accountant's com-
plete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he
plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Attorney asks the first question. "What's the distance
from the earth to the moon?" The Tax Accountant doesn't say
a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill
and hands it to the Attorney. Now, it's the Tax Accountant's
turn. He asks the Attorney: "What goes up a hill with three
legs, and comes down with four?" The Attorney looks at him
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with
his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends
he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the Tax Accountant and hands him
$50. The Tax Accountant politely takes the $50 and turns away
to get back to sleep. The Attorney, more that a little miffed,
shakes the Tax Accountant and asks, "Well, so what is the
answer?" Without a word, the Tax Accountant reaches into his
wallet, hands the Attorney $5, and goes back to sleep.

A man appears before the pearly gates and is questioned by St
Peter.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. Once I came upon
a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young
woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So

I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked
him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and
threw
it on the ground, and told him, ' Leave her alone now or you'll answer
to
me."

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A few minutes ago."

<edit> one more</edit>

Little Johnny goes to the drugstore for some condoms.

He goes up to the counter and asks, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"

The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"

"Sure do," replied Johnny. "They keep you from getting VD."

"OK," said the pharmacist. "Do you know what the ribs are for?"

Johnny thought for a minute, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, "Well, not exactly. But they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up."


[This message has been edited by docilebob (edited 04-17-2003).]