Wrong time'o year, but what the hell...
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! Santa
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Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa
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Dear Santa, I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year! Love, Joey
Dear Joey, Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with. Santa
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Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa
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Dear Santa, I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do. Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle, It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders." Santa
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Dear Santa, I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? Santa
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Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone. Santa
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Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know! Santa
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Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house... Santa
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Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy, That whinny begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
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Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! Santa
(and another one)
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will assume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand whatwe mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
posted 01-17-2001 22:52
