Topic awaiting preservation: Just want an oppinion on this

personally I think this one is only mediocre so I am working on a better one but just wanted other oppinions and critiques.

Darkness Born

In a coat of drizzling rain here I sit
a man forlorn,
For in a world of light,
I was darkness born.

You called me pessimistic,
Because I would not believe,
The tale of a passing mystic.

You wounded me,
And threw at me a look of scorn.
Without understanding that,
I was darkness born.

It hurt your pride
You, exalted by winning
Now must Hide
Inside the darkness
Of one, beaten down by losing.

Where now are your words of hate?
Can you not describe your feeling of scorn?
Or now do you know not to berate,
I who was darkness born?

The rhyme scheme, when there is one, is too inconsisent. You need to either have one or not for this type of thing. Not to say it has to be uniform - it just has to be patterned throughout.

The content is very cliche and melodramatic, and also comes out very flat.

My reaction is, at best, a sigh... "hm-ho, ok - darkness".

It doesn't do anything to make me feel anything other than passive apathy.

I actually like the imagery here.... but I think you would do well to add a syllable here and there.


Perhaps-


In my coat of drizzling rain,
I sit...a man forlorn,
for in this blinding world of light,
I was of darkness born.



(Edited by norm on 04-19-2004 22:41)

(Edited by norm on 04-19-2004 22:49)

Thanks norm I like that suggestion and I think I will go with it.

DL I actually do agree I reread it before checking for replies and thought the same thing.

Sangreal:

I have to agree with DL here. You've got to decide whether you want a rhyme scheme or not. If you're going to go the free verse route, you'll want to avoid rhymes, as they will detract from the work. If I had to choose, though, I would recommend going with a fixed rhyme scheme (and meter) and seeing what you come up with.

As with most poems of this nature, there is a lot of talking, and very little showing. Yes, you have the imagery of darkness/light, and the rain bit at the beginning, and I actually kind of like the idea of "the tale of a passing mystic," but the rest of it is very lacking in imagery and vividness (just because something is black and dark doesn't mean it can't be vivid). My reaction to this is similar to DL's and I think that is because there is just nothing to grab the reader, and nothing for the reader to really hook into here.

Part of the lack of vividness is (as DL mentioned), the cliched nature of much of your imagery, but I also think you have some images in there that don't really work. For some reason, the "coat of drizzling rain" just doesn't sit right with me. I think perhaps it is because "drizzling" is an action, yet "coat" implies something static. I would think an adjective describing a property of rain (like its temperature, etc.) might fit better here. "Threw at me a look of scorn" is terribly cliche. The last stanza is terribly clunky, even for free verse. Think of the sound of the words as they would be spoken.

Bottom line, though: show me what's going on, don't tell me in abstract terms. Here's a wild idea: take that idea of the "passing mystic" and run with it. Make the mystic a metaphor for what the narrator is experiencing, and develop that more fully. Give me imagery, give me vividness--don't give me vague words and ideas.

___________________________
Suho: www.liminality.org | Cell 270 | Sig Rotator | Keeper of the Juicy Bits

I think I will considering yet another person who is a 'sage' when it comes to this subject and that has screwed me over again.

Also Suho do you have any suggestions as to a new less clunky last line?

If one match can start a forest fire then why does it take the whole box to start a BBQ Grill?