Topic awaiting preservation: Heard any good jokes lately?

ok, ok, I got one :

What does the dislexic insomniac athiest do on Saturday?

Stay up all night wondering if there really is a DOG.

let's see some more, people, I know you know them.




...Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most (ozzy osbourne)

What's the definition of a Freudian slip?
When you say one thing and you really mean a mother (another).

(Edited by warjournal on 06-04-2004 14:44)

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's red and green and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.

What's red, green, and brown and goes just as fast?
Same frog 1 week later.

What do you get when you cross a rat and a lawyer ?

Nothing. Some things even a rat won`t do.



Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first ?

So you can see the expression on his face.

quote:

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Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first ?

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Blanche Knott!
Dude, we used to have a blast with her truely tasteless jokes. We used to have tasteless duels and various other tasteless things. She was an inspiration.

edit:
damn sig
still needs fixing

(Edited by warjournal on 06-04-2004 16:37)

ah, DBJs, I got into them about a year ago. really grossed out quite a few people at school

what's pink and bubbly and bangs on glass?
baby in a microwave

a chicken and an egg get a room at a cheap motel. shortly thereafter, the chicken perches up on the headboard of the motel bed and lights a cigarette. the egg looks up and says, "well, I guess we answered that age-old question, huh?"

two condoms are walking down the sidewalk and pass a gay bar. one looks to the other and says, "hey, you want to go in there and get shit faced?"




...Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most (ozzy osbourne)

What's grosser than gross?

Opening the refrigerator door, and the rump roast farts in your face!

I LUUUVVVV these kind of corny jokes!!

WebShaman | Asylum D & D | D & D Min Page

Way to tickle the brain, WebS.

What's grosser than gross?
When a cheerleader does the splits and sticks to the floor.

Knock knock time.
Joker: Wanna hear a good knock knock joke?
Victim: Sure.
Joker: Okay, you start it.
Victim: Knock knock.
Joker: Who's there?
Victim: ...ummm...

I got one girl with that knock knock joke, but she messed it up and made it even funnier. It was messed up so bad, I was literally on the floor with laughter.

Kid safe for the nieces and nephews -

How do you shoot an elephant?
With an elephant gun.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a pink elephant?
Hold it's nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

Alright, I got dishes to do.

PSST! WJ! Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A kid fell down in the mud!



Wanna hear a clean joke?

He went home and took a bath!

WebShaman | Asylum D & D | D & D Min Page

how many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

wanna go play outside?

chris


KAIROSinteractive | tangent oriented

What do you give the girl who has everything?

Penicillin!

Who wants to live forever?

Oh boy. So many jokes from my childhood are flooding back..

Why are schoolhouses red?

If you had eight periods a day, you'd be red too.


What's grosser than vaseline on potatoes?

Come on Eileen....

why is a pool table green?

you'd be green too if someone racked your balls

Later,

C:\


~Binary is best~

What's grosser than gross?

A truck full of dead babies.


What is grosser than that?

A truck full of dead babies, with one live baby in the middle, eating its way out!


Keep'em coming! Wooohoooo!

WebShaman | Asylum D & D | D & D Min Page

Very good people, keep 'em coming!




...Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most (ozzy osbourne)

you ever wonder what makes peter pan fly?

well youd be flying too if you got hit on your peter with a pan.



somehow i dont think i said that right but its still funny.


what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? roberto.
what do you call a mexican with no car? carlos.
how do you make a mexican take a bath? put a penny on the bottom of a pool
how do you keep a mexican from taking a penny. put it on a bar of soap
how do you kill a blonde? put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool

There's these two birds walking home after a night on the piss when they find themselves in desperate need of a piss, so they duck into a nearby graveyard.
Neither of them has a tissue, and being birds they can't just wag it, so one wipes-off with her knickers and chucks them, the other grabs a handy wreath...

The next day, there's these two blokes talking in a pub. One turns to the other and says, "Mate, I think my wife's having an affair. She came home pissed last night with no knickers on!"
The other bloke shakes his head.
"You think that's bad?! My Vera had this card stuck to her arse..."

[ From all the lads at Bromley Fire Station. We'll never forget you. ]

REM ---Do not read this line---

(Edited by White Hawk on 06-05-2004 01:54)

This one is just for Kevin G




How do you kill a Yank?

Give him a gun.

ok, being from alabama as I am...

What's the dif. between a Yankee and a Damn Yankee?




so, who's gonna win the prize?




...Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most (ozzy osbourne)

A blonde is on an airplane to Houston in the tourist section. She leans out into the asile and sees an empty seat in first class, so she moves up and takes it. The stewardess tells her in no uncertain terms, that she must return to her seat in the rear of the plane. The blonde says, " No, I`m blonde, beautiful, and I`m going to Houston."
The frustrated stewardess turns the problem over to the steward, who tells the blonde that if she doesn`t return to her seat, that they will have to have the Air Marshalls arrest her upon landing. The blonde says, " No, I`m blonde, beautiful, and I`m gong to Houston."
The steward informs the pilot, so he can have the Air Marshalls waiting, and the pilot says, " It`s ok. I married a blonde. I`ll handle it." So, he goes back to first class, whispers in the blondes`s ear for a moment and she gets up and says, " Oh. ok" and returns to her seat in tourist.
The steward is amazed, and asks the pilot what he said. The pilot says, " It was simple. I just told her that first class wasn`t going to Houston."



What`s the difference between a Polish girl and a bowling ball ?
If you really had to, you could eat the bowling ball.

What do you get if u cross a rabbit with a mountain climber?

You can't - the mountain climber is a scaler


Wrayal

Go to kimber-ja.demon.co.uk and click on the link to the raytracer!

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
She opens the car door.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Who cares? He can't come anyway.

quote:

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wrayal said:

What do you get if u cross a rabbit with a mountain climber?

You can't - the mountain climber is a scaler

---

Hahaha

Equally sappy: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous?

|elephant||rhinocerous|sin(theta)

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." -- Arthur C. Clarke
"Any sufficiently arcane magic is indistinguishable from technology." -- P. David Lebling

A truly sad one:
___

There was an Indian Chief who had three squaws. He kept them in three teepees. When he came home late from hunting, he often had trouble remembering which teepee contained which squaw in the dark.

He went hunting one day, and killed a hippopotamus, a bear, and a buffalo. He put the a hide from each animal into a different teepee. Now, when he came home late, he could feel inside the teepee and know which squaw was inside.

Well after about a year, all three squaws had children. The squaw on the bear hide had a baby boy. The squaw on the buffalo hide had a baby girl. The squaw on the hippopotamus had a girl and a boy.

So, what can we derive from this story?

The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
___

*sorry*

(Edited by White Hawk on 06-05-2004 17:50)

Michael Jackson jokes anyone?

-Why did MJ go to K-Mart?
-He heard they have little boys pants half off.

-How can you tell when it's time for bed at the Neverland Ranch?
-When the big hand touches the little hand.

-When the Catholic church heard about MJ's transgressions you know what they did to him?
-Gave him his own parish.

-Why does MJ like twenty eight year olds?
-Because there's twenty of them.

:::11oh1:::

Sorry but i don't get the scaler one. ???

I know about "scalars" and vectors, but what the hell does it have to do with a rabbit?

edit: ok, i think I get it. it doesn't matter what the animal is. you can't cross a scalar.

(Edited by Shooting_Star on 06-05-2004 21:40)

quote:

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

---

Cigarette. Because you only take him out for a drag.


You are getting sleepy...sleepy. You will go to the North Wing....

Moth: I've always heard the punchline to that one as "nothing because he wouldn't come when you called him anyway."

:::11oh1:::

what? no takers?

quote:

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I X I said:

What's the dif. between a Yankee and a Damn Yankee?

---

A Yankee is someone from the north who visits the south. A Damn Yankee is almost the same as a Yankee, but the Damn Yankee stays in the south.




...Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most (ozzy osbourne)

What do you do if you find someone having an epileptic fit in the bath?

Throw your laundry in.

what do you call a bear with no ears?
"b".

why was the blonde seen staring at the orange juice container?
it said "concentrate"

what's easier to load off the back of a truck, a ton of bricks, or a ton of babies?
a ton of babies, you can use a pitchfork.

how do you find a baby in long grass?
with a lawnmower


ok, i think that will do for now.

reitsma

quote:

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Heard any good jokes lately?

---

Nope.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"

Ah.. memories of college! Some of the following jokes can be exchanged with "sorority girl" for the same effect.

How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only put 3 fingers into a bowling ball.

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
Get them both on their backs and they're fucked.

Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away all the W's.

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

And now for something different...

How do you get 1000 dead babies into a Volkswagon beetle?
Le Cuisinart

How you get them out again?
Le Straw.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying in front of a door?
Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art.

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs sitting in a bowl of lettuce?
Olive.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the water?
Bob.


Ugh, I remembered far too many of those for my own sanity. The things I have locked in my brain scare me sometimes.

_____________________
le coeur du feu
Qui sème le vent récolte la tempête!

Whats the difference between 100 dead babies and a corvette?

I don't have a corvette in my garage.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese...





__________________
War is Peace,
Freedom is Slavery,
Ignorance is Strength.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a baseball team ?

Home plate.



How do you tell if an Ethiopian woman is pregnant ?

Hold her up to the light.

(Edited by docilebob on 06-08-2004 17:45)

A guy rang up his office one morning and said he wasn't coming in that day because he was sick. His boss said "Whenever I'm sick, I just have sex with my wife and I feel better. You try it and see if you get better." The guy said he would try it, thanked his boss, and hung up. An hour later he called his boss again and said "You were right. I don't know what it is about your wife's sex, but it worked."
A blonde had a boss who was pretty dumb. She never noticed anything. One day, a few of the blonde's friends decided to leave work early. They would get away with it because her boss wouldn't notice. So the blonde went home early and went into her bedroom where she saw her boss having sex with her husband. She closed the door quietly. The next morning she went into work and said "We'd better not go home early again. The boss almost saw me at home last night."
Four blondes came across some tracks in a wood. One blonde said "They're bear tracks. Another one said "They're deer tracks". Another one said, "They're fox tracks". The fourth blonde didn't get a chance to say anything because a train came down the railway tracks and hit them.

alter ego n. 1. Another side of oneself; a second self. 2. An intimate friend or a constant companion.

I accidently submitted the last post twice and I can't delete this one so I'm just editing it but really it shouldn't say anything so just ignore it.

(Edited by AlterEgo on 07-18-2004 21:56)

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look! Here come the elephants over the hill!"

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark glasses?
A: Nothing - he didn't recognize them...

Q: What does an 80-year-old woman taste like?
A: Depends...

Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.
Q: Why did the other squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: Peer pressure.

Q: What do you call an HIV+ person on a skateboard?
A: Rolaids...

(Hmm - sorry, a couple of those are pretty bad...)

Five reasons why it sucks to be an egg:
1. You only get laid once.
2. You only get eaten once.
3. It takes you 7 minutes to get hard.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. The only person who'll sit on your face is your mother.


- Do you race cars?
- Yes.
- So you're a racist then?

Q. Where does an general keep his armies?
A. In his sleevies.


Q. Why is the Male Wombat such a unfulfilling lover?
A. According National Geographic, Wombats "..eats bushes and leaves"


And some for the techies:

Q. Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A. Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Q. Why do all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
A. Because it is below C level.

Friend just posted this one up on the guildboards :


Four macho guys go on a fishing expedition. To save a little money, they rent a small cabin that has only two bedrooms. Bill sleeps with Charlie the first night and he come to breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, and his eyes all bloodshot.

The other two ask, "What happened to you?"

Bill says, "That Charlie, he snores so loud, I was kept awake watching him all night. I can't do that another night so one of you has got to do it!"

Since Charlie snores so loudly, no one else wants to room with him, but they finally agree to take turns.

The next night is Oscar's turn. In the morning, the same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot.
Oscar declares, "Man, that Charlie shakes the roof. And he sleeps so hard, I couldn't wake him!

"I watched him all night."

The third night is Steve's turn. The next morning Steve comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. The other two can't believe it!

"What happened?" they ask, "How on earth did you sleep with all that racket?"

Steve says, "Well, as we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Charlie into bed and kissed him good night. Then he watched ME all night long."

_____________________
le coeur du feu
Qui sème le vent récolte la tempête!

How do you get a blonde to marry you?

Tell her she's pregnant!