Topic awaiting preservation: Anyone got any good jokes?

Come on, it's beeen a while since we had a joke thread. Entertain my tiny little mind. I'll post some when I can think of some good ones.

A group of scientists performed the "infinite number of monkeys" experiment trying to create the complete works of William Shakespeare. But the experiment was a failure because all they came up with was the annotated works of Francis Bacon.



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-- not necessarily stoned... just beautiful.

What's the definition of a Freudian slip?
When you say one thing and you really mean a mother.

Nice one hyperbole

Here's mine for you beer drinkers :

Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean Guinness beer !"; The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into rich, black porter. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness, as the two men considered their predicament. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick, whose wish had obviously been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he blurted, "Nice going Patrick ! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat !";

----
If wishes were fishes, we'd all cast nets.



(Edited by Moon Shadow on 03-05-2005 19:03)

To the optimist, the glass is half full
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty
To the engineer, the glass is twice the size it needs to be

OK that was crap, I agree. This is slightly better I hope....

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog...that's cool."

[edit] Another one my friend just showed me - someone's tagline on /. :
Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Everything else causes cancer in rats
[/edit]

Wrayal

My Website (finally! And yes, it uses frames and is evil, but, well, take a look, it's not as evil as you might think )

(Edited by wrayal on 03-05-2005 23:02)

A preist a rabbi and a monk walk into a bar.
Bartender says "What is this a joke?"


The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. --Groucho Marx

Three statisticians go duck hunting. They spot a duck. The first fires, but misses in front of the duck. The second fires, but misses behind the duck. The third shouts, "We got 'im!"

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting in a diner across from an empty building. As they eat, they see a couple enter the building, and minutes later they see three people walk out. The biologist says, "They reproduced!" The physicist corrects, "Our initial assumption was wrong." The mathematician then says, "Y'know, if another person enters the building, it'll be empty again."

---
"Consider a simple room with only four walls, a ceiling and a floor. Can you see it in your mind?s eye? You better not be able to; I haven?t specified a light source yet." - Paul Nettle

Why I fired my secretary...

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't
feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast
knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy
Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning,
let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's
wives for you, the children will
remember..

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a
word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling
pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said,
"Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a
little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and
said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you
and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've
heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out
to a private little place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to
the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if
you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and
slip into something more comfortable"

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -----
followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our
friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
.
.
.
.
And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked