Topic: Suggestions With Guilt (Page 1 of 1) Pages that link to <a href="" title="Pages that link to Topic: Suggestions With Guilt (Page 1 of 1)" rel="nofollow" >Topic: Suggestions With Guilt <span class="small">(Page 1 of 1)</span>\

Bipolar (III) Inmate

From: Austin, TX
Insane since: Dec 2001

IP logged posted posted 04-30-2006 09:02 Edit Quote

Yesterday I found out that one of my friends father died. He had been in the hospital for the last week and somehow had a hemorrhage (sp?) in his brain which then led to sepsus. She told me that she though I would best understand how she feels because I lost my father when I was younger. The whole point to this post is that a few weeks ago I was visiting her in LJ when she burst out with " you dont know what it is like to work for your money" it was made during a, at first, harmless jab about her complaining about fruit juice. Anyway, I replied to her "well you dont know what it's like to go through life without both parents." Now I feel a odd guilt about her fathers death, yet I know I didnt cause it. It like if you told someone to drop dead and a few days later they actually did.

I will not bring this up around her, unless she brings it up, although I doubt it would happen. Even still if my arguement was brought up it could very well put her in an even lower place.

All in all, I just need to find a reasonable way of resolving this in my mind because if I dont, I do not know how long it may bother me.

I suck at graphics, I suck like a black hole...

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Norway
Insane since: Jun 2002

IP logged posted posted 04-30-2006 11:07 Edit Quote

IMHO it wouldn't hurt her to know that in the light of the recent events, you feel odder about your last argument with her. She'll be sure that you brought it up and that she can come to you at any time during this tough period if need be.

Maniac (V) Inmate

Insane since: Jul 2005

IP logged posted posted 04-30-2006 23:16 Edit Quote

I'd be careful about touching the topic of a father's death too early on.
I would let her know I do care about her: arguments happen, but in the long run, friends remain friends, the real ones I mean. I would treat her normally and would try to change her mind,
not too actively, but by being there. Calling her twice a week, less, more, depending on how she feels about it, inviting her out, casually.

While treating her normally, I'd keep in mind she is in a state of shock, and would be very cautious about that.

I've been a total moron myself in a similar situation in the past, but in the long run, you can sometimes solve that by *acting* on the root cause, and showing you are there for her.
It's obvious you have very positive feelings for her, maybe more than that (none of my business).
Oh, and about the argument you both had... again, none of my business, but it has that feel of...

Couple stuff.


if I dont, I do not know how long it may bother me.

A lifetime, two maybe, until you do something about it, because it sounds like "unresolved feelings".
And the underlying discussion behind your argument sounds like... hell, you brought it up: it sounds like she is challenging you about something you are sensitive about.

I've grown up with -weird- but loving parents... weirdly weird though, and had to give up the childhood and take responsibilites I wasn't prepared for early on.
This inner pain has impacted my "outer" relationships for a lifetime, see, my inner game was not balanced, not.. resolved.

I started to really be myself only recently, by understanding whoever they were, whatever the reason that had caused the havoc I went through,
I had to take responsibility for my words and actions, and stand for myself independently of who they were and why they had been ~absent~somehow.
It's hard, she was right about that and you may know.. you probably do know.
But it's cool and rewarding.
Don't let guilt eat you up, don't be too straightforward and strangely caring, act on your guilt, by being there for her,
and answering the "why did it touch me so deeply" question to you.

Act on what bothers you, you will certainly feel better afterwards.

Doubt sucks.

Bipolar (III) Inmate

From: Columbia MS USA
Insane since: Apr 2001

IP logged posted posted 04-30-2006 23:27 Edit Quote

This reminds me of my aunt. I've only been told this story by my parents. My aunt had cooked fried chicken on night and as they all sat down my grandfather says "You know if I die tonight it's because of this chicken." Bet you can't guess when he died... Well she won't fry chicken now because he did die that night. Her chicken had nothing to do with his death. She knows this, and after more than 30 years she should just face it.

I'm not going to tell you to bring it up. I'd wait until she does or a good time afterwards. Just don't let this eat you up inside 30 years from now.

Maniac (V) Inmate

Insane since: Jul 2005

IP logged posted posted 04-30-2006 23:39 Edit Quote

~cough. I am the one who's getting emotional on that one, but that's pretty much my point.
me too, and many others, realized they had lost someone when, well.. when he/she was lost for good.

My dad told mom and me, before going to bed that night, that if he woke up the next day, cool, and if he died, we knew what to do with his heritage... as a weird way
to get attention, weird joke.

The next morning, the police came to my place, and told me he had passed away.
I still have to cope with the "as a weird way to get attention" bit... it still hurts, especially with what I said above.

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