Topic: Conflict resolution within a group

Hello world.

Let's try not to make it too personal but I badly need conflict resolution advice, you know my temper...

Say there is a group of people, in a context similar to a work context, and that for some reason,
a couple of these decide to block communication with you. These persons may be right or wrong, but in any event, they're assumed to be grown adults.

Say there is an "end of year" event taking place, and you've been invited in a mass email to the group.

Say you know the tensions with those people are a potential risk for the celebration,
and you decide to state it publicly, along the lines of "Thanks a lot for the fair play, but due to the communication difficulties with some persons,
I am afraid my sole presence may cause undesired tension, don't want to stand that tension myself, and am inviting them to sort out the personal issues now with me,
or won't be able to come in order to preserve the overall good mood".

...

Obviously, it's something I am involved into, and I am the guy saying "ok, peace, chill everybody and I'll be able to enjoy the evening
as everybody".


Any thought or advice so far? The most direct and blunt, the best, "you're being an ass" is perfectly welcome as long
as there is constructive advice behind.

Your desire to work out your problems prior to this party is great, but you should handle this privately with those who you are in conflict. Using the party as the reason to setting the disagreement is a great tool for opening up the conversation, and this place is you in a morally superior position as you are thinking about the betterment of the group.

If this does not work it would be better to give a polite reply such as

quote:

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I am sorry but I will not be able to attend the party, but thank you for the invitation.

---

Publically stating that you not attending is caused by others who are to be in attendance will add stress to those who are not involved in your conflict. By publically airing your complaint even when asking for resolution might give a negitive over tone to the party, something you stated you were attempting to avoid.

Also when making a public statement such as this you are giving an ultimatum to those on the other side of the disagreement. In this case it is "either make up with me or I am not coming." First any kind of ultimatum places you into the advisarial role with those on the other side of the debate. This is not the best place to start the reconciliation process. The second issue with this is that those on the other side have nothing to lose. If they do not get along with you they win by not having you attend. They have no reason to go through the somewhat painful process of reconciliation.

Overall. If you are to air your dirty laundry publically you will be hurting those that are not a part of the conflict and strengthening the positions of those who are in the conflict. Resolving the conflict in private using your desire to improve the mood of the party as the reason for looking for resolution strengthens your position and will not adversely affect those who are not involved in the conflict.

The sort of passive agressive response that you are posting above seems a bit out of character with how you present yourself here, and I do not believe becoming passive agressive will win you any points with anyone.

Dan @ Code Town

Good points overall, and an objective reply.

To put it a little more in it's context, let's introduce the characters.
Classmates. It's really upsetting me.
Only girl of the class == ex who has caused me a lot of hassle including bad press about my being a frightening psycho,
WHILE at the same time saying "we could be friends, but we can't, because we'd sleep together and it would lead us where it led before".

Basically, this person is afflicted by a personality disorder and is unable to take responsibility for her own actions,
therefore, she's putting the blame of having done me for six months, therefore "cheating" on her current bf, and having dumped me ON ME.

What caused her to call me a psycho were repeated attempts at the pace of 1nce a month for the first months to sort out the mutual responsibilites in this conflict,
before understanding she'll accept none, in her own words, the words of a person incapable of defining herself,
I "pushed her by saying I loved her", she felt compelled to making naughty things with me.

Stand of the class throughout the issue: hers. Organizing to take meals without notifying me, & other similar behaviors.

Hence the fact one of the assholes who has been actively involved in this process triggered a real will to assess my views publicly,
basically, the interest/tension balance is too high unless someone is able to try and sort out this stuff.

All in all, I am merely stating what will inevitably happen in the midst of alcohol, this ex, her bf - supposedly cheated on but was married at the time,
and the global situation.

Does the "I welcome any initiative of these people to sort out issues quitely before the event, else I will retire to avoid havoc",
which offers them a true choice, come across as weak, or can be understood as what it is, a sincere concern about the feelings of this bunch of ants?

Pointers much appreciated.

Oh hell... kimmy, if you feel like giving a true hand here, it'd be more than welcome.

You've called me manipulative, and also, more recently, very supportive and on the way to improvement,
I think the Asylum, while in doubt, is seeing this improvement as well, and I am too much of a nerd to see anything but scientific facts there.

People around here don't know it, but the automod is still in the works and sharper than ever, aside another project in collab with WS and actively restarted.

My stance towards the above class is "empathy over simpathy", no tit-for-tat, just the fact such an incoherent bunch is not worth the move.

quote:

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_Mauro said:

just the fact such an incoherent bunch is not worth the move.

---

My 2 cents:
If you really felt that way, ^all that text wouldn't be here.
If they're not worth it, then this issue is a dead one.
If this issue is not dead, then there is more at stake to you than you are willing to admit.

There are 3 options:

1) be the bigger person. forget about the whole thing. forget about the party. Focus on you, and stop taking everyone's actions so personally.

2) be the bigger person. go. be amiable. control your ego. Focus on you, and stop taking everyone's actions so personally. if things aren't going well, leave - quietly and without declarations in regard to other people's problems.

3) go, make big issues of everything, have it all blow up, and in so doing ensure that everyone finds you at fault and thinks of you as nothing but a big selfish ass.

FWIW

Option 1 is fine from now on, the bubble had to burst once and for all and telling them the truth was right.

Dude, what a dangerous assumption, prejudice, whatever btw, while your input has been appreciated:

quote:

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If this issue is not dead, then there is more at stake to you than you are willing to admit.

---

Oh sh*, pardon my "imperfect" lack of appreciation and enthusiasm for a class of males
overpowerd by a female, and being turds over nothing but the fuss she makes.

No, there's nothing I have hidden or can take the blame for, sadly, which has left me wounded and puzzled for a long time... just picture the fusional relationship when one weak
person is all over you all the time, paying for anything, you pay back she returns it twice,
and gives herself away without calling for a payback...

But expecting your magic powers to fix her as the payback.

Then going on a rampage, manipulating with a casual smirk, and playing the victim in front of all the others, punishing you for something that took place in her mind - and others taking the occasion to kiss up to the only girl in class.

You know what? I appreciate a clear position, and the guy who kissed up to her all year,
avoiding inviting me to class lunches, all of a sudden gets warmer out of...? Feeling forced to be politically correct? Fuck him, and the tramp that gave birth to him.

I am actually glad I've told them the blunt truth, what it *shows* is I have nothing to hide indeed about the topic, and no fear, nor a will to fight, but just the courage to say the unsaid.

Anger remains, these dipshits are an additional effort in a nightly education which is stressful enough per se.

I am also glad I chose the clear stand I am calling for: they've been bastards throughout the year, I am glad I let them know, it really was required, but party? They can shove that,
they can be friends, can be foes, can be colleagues, I just don't allow them to be mixed and fake.

Not really politically clever, not the best conflict management option, your advice remains good, but...

True. To myself, and it matters more than anything else.

quote:

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_Mauro said:

Oh sh*, pardon my "imperfect" lack of appreciation and enthusiasm for a class of males
overpowerd by a female, and being turds over nothing but the fuss she makes.

---

this is so far off the topic I can't even fathom...

The point was this: for a group of people who "aren't worth it", you have devoted a great deal of time and energy talking about them.
This says very clearly that your words and the reality of how things affect you are quite inconguous.

Take it as you will...

Yes, you're right in that it affects me, granted.

And it is related to your above quote for sure: you've pointed out the only real reason for a tension and misbehaviors within a group which should be a solid workgroup - to help us all go through the pain of 100% work and 100% studies.

Furthermore, this group has nothing to give professionaly speaking to me,
I am one of the very best, but the other way round, this group is taking energy from me - whatever I do or do not do.

How? Enter class, sudden silence, some play it nice, big mouths play it filthy...
Ask for the date of a test politely, most fuckheads don't move, shout and get pissed, and pussy cats turn into human beings again all of a sudden.

All this over words from a girl who happens to be the loon of them all, and a cruel one at that.

I am taking it as follows: within the group, I have not set my limits early on, have been weakened by my relationship with the girl - rotten because I didn't set my limits early enough as well,
and have let things arrive to a point where people take the fact of abusing me as granted and as a fun activity to fill what they call a life -
which is one of the reasons why I happen to have conflict with people: it's not the moment I say the truth, it's the fact I haven't set boundaries from the start.

I don't want this to occur again and again and again, I don't want to let things drift to the point where I have to be really nasty to get the basic due respect, this one example
of a recurring pattern for me proves I have to change something, and not change it towards less agressivity, but towards more appropriately spread agressivity.

Hence the words and posts... you -are- helping me indeed, and I am trying to take the most of this advice.

There is something ugly I have done many times in my life.
Being too kind from the start instead of being firm and clear and putting myself first.

Don't go. It's that simple .

I will not knowingly place myself or allow others to place me in an uncomfortable environment that I know has the potential to create problems.

You're going to make a decision. I am going. I am not going. You've already pretty much written the script and story-boarded what you see happening if you do go.

When that sort of screen play runs through my brain when an invitation has been extended I simply say... 'no... won't be going there.' But maybe that's because I've seen more bad movies than you. =)

Just remember you'll never have to think outside of the box if you don't get
in the damn box in the first place.

Who invited you to attend?

What type of Party is it?

Is this like a Class Reunion sort of thing?

I would go.

An invitation is exactly that - an invitation.

And I would just ignore those that I did not wish to have contact or interaction with. After all, they really are not the reason why I would go to the Party in the first place (assuming it was important to go to the party and who invited me and the reason for the party).

It always takes two to fight. Be like water.

If the expected stress is more hassle than the explected "fun factor", then I would politely decline the invitation - life is much too precious to waste on stressful group interaction if it is not bringing appropriate rewards.

Besides, shining in public, enjoying oneself, and interacting successfully when others are spreading rumours about you is one of the best ways to combat such. Be yourself, have fun, interact, and shine.

"Hey, look, he isn't the [insert appropriate foulness here] that they are saying that he is!"

Time to turn on the charm, have some fun, meet some old friends, and interact. Park the baggage at the door.

WebShaman | The keenest sorrow (and greatest truth) is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
- Sophocles

Nope WS, but thanks, the guy who invites did it so that it sounded like "please don't, don't, don't come". NoJive or DL-44 have proposed a good option as well.
But I've barked already, and it was a good thing, I have had long email exchanges with the guys who like me, the ass who invites, and have finally spoke my mind
about the attitude of the class - completely.

Today, I feel fine, it was good to be true to myself, and it probably will have an impact of sorts, still, on the persons in question: at least telling them I am not dumb,
nor theyre victim of choice (seems to have had that for an effect so far).

Which leaves the class exactly as it is: majority of positive colleagues, and a bunch of ennemies. But at least my foes know I can look in theyre eyes and speak the blunt truth,
at least they know I am a man, not theyre mop, and that I won't accept more.

Plus there is the other bunch, on the same we, some of my consultant colleagues, and a girl who finally touched my heart... been a long time So no, on that morning I'll be enjoying myself
and simply, with a light heart, turning my back to the persons who've been a pain for me for several months now.

Might as well not give trolls what they crave for, now that they know what I am about.

....

All in all, great advice everybody, thanks a bunch. Will take it in account in the future, and will definitely learn to say stop when it's time to say it.

(Edited by _Mauro on 06-14-2006 12:20)

quote:

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_Mauro said:

Any thought or advice so far? The most direct and blunt, the best, "you're being an ass" is perfectly welcome as long
as there is constructive advice behind.

---

The best advice I could give you is to grow up already.

You've posted topics on your inability to get along with family, colleagues, and now your classmates. You've even gone as far as changing your username here and demanding all your posts be deleted or legal action - whatever that meant - would be taken. Through it all you've maintained everyone is just jealous of your movie star good looks and intellect that rivals Stephen Hawking's. Maybe the problem isn't with your brother. Or your supervisor. Or your classmates. Or the Asylum.

Just a thought ...

Just as original as... nothing, don't think I considered it already? It's specific to some people, and actually, I have the opposite reactions from most to balance this.

I said constructive as in something that is a certainty that you can prove, and on which you can give practical advice. Care to try? It's the thin line between bitchin' and helping,
care to cross it and point out sensible facts?

I am glad I *sign* people, sort of, I make them react strongly, wether they love me or hate me.

When the PMI mission ended, I wanted to get feedback from my colleagues, and my consulting boss had given someone the mission
of "spying on me". Some persons actually. Persons who were given all possible ways to track down everything I did, every single thing.

People who are themselves overly paid and valued consultants.
Guess what? "Available, kind, has humor, gets the job done quickly" was the unanimous feedback from 30+ persons that were paid to find something to bitch about.
Some cried when I left, they didn't know.

Of course, the fact my family beat me up during my whole childhood, until I left, *may* have something to do with inherent family conflicts. In fact, it is an issue which is reoccuring
in my dear Bro's family, or my darling Sister for that matter.

The fact I am not afraid to call a fucker by his name may have something to do with other conflicts, no I am not afraid of making friends or foes.

The fact you're drawing quick conclusions about someone, after all, that you don't know in real world, and landing "just a constipated thought" instead of advice about what to do with it...

Sadly says much about you. Here is your chance to prove me wrong and show me what you think could work for me.
Or return to bitching, silence, whatever would make you feel you do have a life.

(Edited by _Mauro on 06-14-2006 23:30)

Ini, my father once gave me advice that I really took to heart. He said if everyone in the room is calling you an asshole, you're probably an asshole. As it is right now, your family doesn't like you. Your co-workers don't like you. Your classmates don't like you. You even threatened to sue an internet forum because you didn't like the way you were being treated. Why is it so difficult for you to believe the problem might lie with you?

What I gave you was very good advice based on numerous occurrences described by you specifically. Every time you start one of these threads it follows the same cycle:

- You asking for help on how to handle this weeks enemy or foe as you call them.
- You recieving solid advice.
- You turning around and attacking those you're asking help from.

Its your choice to keep the cycle going. Personally, if I were in your shoes I'd look in the mirror and ponder why no one in my life likes me.

That certainly sounds like something you do on a regular basis.
My God, what a bias, prejudice, and pile of idiocy, are you bondage oriented and like a slap over being a cunt, or
are you simply a cunt?

Let's sort out the assumptions you make while looking at the world from your cornhole from the facts:
- Your co-workers don't like you.

Righto, most of them love me instead, do I have to post ten out of the hundred mails of gratitude and simpathy they sent me over the last year?
When you look at that with your eyes instead of other body parts, I posted about ONE person in my previous assignment, my direct supervisor,
who indeed was the only personal problem I ever got in 8 years of work. The ONLY clash of that size.

What he didn't like was that, as a perfectionist, I took responsibility and action for each case I handled.
He was about to retire and favoured politics over quality, "do the least, and it'll make less noise if anything goes wrong" were his regular orders.

Indeed, my colleagues who don't like me, and my customers who didn't like me, invited me to celebrations in 5 different 5 star places out of grattitude for my constantly helpful attitude.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mother actually prefers my actions, point of view, and lifestyle over that of my brothers and sisters. I get the best salary,
am the one who was clever enough to avoid getting engaged in a pissy poor marriage, the one who understands her most, she is begging me to come back home now that my Dad is dead,
and in addition, I am the one finishing uni.

This indeed triggered jealousy from my bro who happened to work at ground 0 in the security department in my latest assignment, not IT, after having dropped out
at uni. He was attending software engineering classes, I am finishing them.

When ONE casual clash occured with my mother, he took the occasion to let the jealousy out and misbehave, then came to regret it and to beg me
to have lunch with him.
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My classmates have difficulties in liking the fact I freaked the only girl in class and am getting top marks while attending classes as I please.
I am an insult to theyre being well-mannered and gayishly incapable of screwing a girl.

But I am merely imagining jealousy there...


As for the Asylum, I have changed and some felt it, look at the above thread, I am not insulting Mage, I am not insulting DL, and they are not biting theyre tongue.
As much as theyre input is valuable, yours is pure idiocy, it's so pathetic I'd paypal you the price for a beer.

Instead, I am co-working with several people here on projects that will help everybody find theyre ways through archives, and other things.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As for a past clash with many people here, try to bring the past into court: people should be, and are judged on theyre NOW in real world.

As for history, what is occuring here is not a flame war, but a discussion you hijacked with fake, mediocre, and insulting assumptions,
and you DO have a history at doing those things.

Talking about breaking the cycle, what about making sense for once and being more than just a worthless ragdoll?

(Edited by _Mauro on 06-15-2006 01:54)

It even hurts to have to take you as a three years old retee who needs education, but I have such a sense of sacrifice...

Sneak peak to my inbox, got the first two emails I caught from colleagues, could do the same from friends but my webmail is down and gets all the friends emails:

colleague 1:

quote:

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Sorry, for the mistake.
It's my birthday this Friday and I thought it would be nice to go out for dinner and have some drinks; I'm going to GAUCHOS ( brasilian restaurant ) and your presence is very much appreciated.

---

colleague 2, this time I am inviting a whole bunch:

quote:

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Hi all,

I vote for 24th of June in Lausanne...

Looking forward to share drinks with you.

Cheers,

---

Yeah, I guess this means they don't like me.
What is it like to be nothing Jestah, tell me, I have always wondered about the life of a sore loser, I don't know many?

Grow up Ini.

Just for the record Jestah has presented solid ideas and has been a positive presence on these boards for as long as he has been here. Which is a good 6 years now. Just based on his interactions here he is far more than a nothing.

In response to your post above; you are insulting me. You insult my by taking a thread that I have contributed to and changing it into an attack on a member who I feel is highly valued for his positive contributions to this community. Although Jestah's advice might not be in the form that you would like to digest it is advise and it responds directly to your request.

This is not and has never been a forum know for holding a punch, if you are looking for a forum that is all rainbows and unicorns about your opinions and work you need to look somewhere else. It is annoying to feel that when commenting in any topic you are involved in I have to post with kid gloves on.

As far as I am concerned this thread is dead.

Dan @ Code Town

Listen, this is getting old, I've asked you to prove me wrong and you've showed your incapacity at doing that, now if you want to stroke your peepee
over being insulting for free, take it to email, b r u n d l e [twenty one] @ h o t m a i l .com

You're not funny, not clever, not helpful, you're not making a point, just making sporadic noise and carefully avoiding to make sense, or anything of that kind.

Again, make a sensible point, or bring flames out of the thread, I asked for help, I did not invite you to vent and speak nothingness.

Mage, that silly person is assessing the fact "nobody likes me", which is untrue, inaccurate, and freely insulting.
Show me where and when he did give anything I can use, or gave anything anyone can use overall, just -prove-me-wrong- about *anything* he said or ever did around these parts.

For the hell of it. "Grow up over the fact nobody likes you" is not reality, nor anything usable, at least I can back that up with -facts-

ADDITIONALLY,

quote:

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if you are looking for a forum that is all rainbows and unicorns

---

So, two speeds, he has the right to assume and distort my words to turn them into a "nobody likes you", false,
and I should gently pat him and kiss him on the forehead?

I mean, his words are not solid advice, but miserable ego stroking over biased assumptions, you really do want me to hand him a flower and give him a hug?

(Edited by _Mauro on 06-15-2006 02:43)

Ok, let's turn into a game of "show me men I can respect", instead of girls who hit and run, a game of prove me wrong:

Assumption: all of my colleagues hate me. Prove it.
Assumption: I am not what I say. Prove it.
Assumption: I have lied anytime in this thread. Prove it.
Assumption: all of my relatives hate me. Prove it.
Assumption: Jestah is regularly useful. Prove it.
Assumption: all of my classmates hate me, EVEN THAT is untrue, but I dare you, prove it.

I have the counter-proofs and facts for each and everyone of these with the exception of Jestah being useful. Up to you, show me where, when, and how wrong I am about
all these allegations made out of boredom, and I'll apologize. Hell, I'll even keep from posting WHILE keeping working on the automod.

Just show me you have something in your craniums and panties. <off to get pop-corn, brb>. Facts only, no "witnesses", no "take my word".. reality.

His attitude irked me because he is NOT giving any form of advice and he's totally OFF of what happens to me.

Take each of the above point, take ANY SINGLE WORD I SAID ABOVE, IN THE WHOLE THREAD, and *prove* something, turn the noise into facts.

I DARE you. Mage, Jestah, and anyone who is really able to bring anything solid.
I am expecting you to fail and show me a proneness to judgement and ego boasting... show me how wrong I am.

Again, I PROMISE you'll never have a single post from me in any thread if you succeed.