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Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Styx
Insane since: Sep 2000

posted posted 01-01-2003 05:19

OK, I know this is out of line, but quite frankly I need to blow off steam or share my sorrows... whatever...

I've finally got some very well deserved vacation, and headed off to the mountains to practice one of my hobbies as a chef. 45 minutes before the new year (that'd be 5 hours ago) my cousin gets hold of me and tells me that my granddad just died. That's the man that practically raised me from age 7 when I became a semi-orphan.

So here I am, 700km from home working in a packed bar being slightlyt drunk and basicly feeling the rug being pulled from under my feet. And it got me thinking...

I've always pursued excellence in everything that I do. At the moment I'm pursuring an international career, being totally focused on my work and neglecting most of the outer world.
My loved granddad did none of those "grand" things, and his passing hurts me like hell 8.0 and then some. I'm probably going to get myself together and get to my vacation-work at the restourant tomorrow, but I'm feeling that I'm starting out on a downward spiral. What's the fucking point of it all??!

No disrespect, but please don't give me any religously flavored answers, since they were tried and tested about 25 years ago. They don't fly in my mind.

I still know that I'll pursue this and that, but whats will come of it all?
Will I really be happier when/if I'm some big shot, or will I only have more stuff?

I guess the big question of my ramblings is the everlasting question about happiness and point of life. (which I already earlier deemed as a redundant question, since I don't believe there's a meaning to it all)

This rant is probably pretty incoherent, but what do you expect 16 hour s after the first drink.. Oh well,, no disrespect to anyone, but it probably is a sign of my lonelyness at the moment that I share this in here first.

Happy fucking new year, and hope that yours starts out better than mine!

Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: Long Island, NY
Insane since: Jun 2000

posted posted 01-01-2003 05:43

I'm sorry to hear about your lose Nimraw. Thats terrible news to start the year with.

Maybe the point of it all is just to go with the flow and be happy. Death is unavoidable. Whether you believe in Heaven & Hell or nothing after life, sooner or later we all must leave this planet. Might as well go on a happy note. Sorry, I'm sure you meant it all in a rhetorical sense. Of course if you don't want to believe in a better place after we go, it might help to think that your gradfather made this place a better place. After all, he did raise you, didn't he


Bipolar (III) Inmate

From: North Carolina mountains
Insane since: Dec 2000

posted posted 01-01-2003 06:49

My condolences as well.

It's not about how many toys you have in life. I feel it's more about what you do rather than what you have. The impact you have on people ... and the world in general ... is a decent thing to occupy yourself with. No, you won't be negotiating great peace treaties, but encouraging someone, or helping someone through a tough time, or helping out the poor and needy in some way can score some points with yourself.

Family, as you probably already know, is a very important part of life. Not always the most important thing (blood isn't always thicker than water), but if not family, then good, solid friends who are there for ya.

My father-in-law fell off of a roof yesterday. In the hospital with a few shattered vertebrae right now. Not quite on par with your recent tragedy, but not exactly a great new year here either. Will be operated on soon. Supposedly the operation is risky. Welcome to 2003 ...

Cell Number: 494 / Inkstick

Maniac (V) Inmate

From: soon to be "the land down under"
Insane since: Jan 2001

posted posted 01-01-2003 09:51

I know how you feel, bud. Sometimes you just want to say, "fuck it all!!"

As for life, all you have to do is just touch one person deeply. Just one, and then you can spend the rest of your life being an asshole. If you can touch one person as much as your granddad touched you, then the rest will take care of itself.

My grandmother never made history. She never made the news. She lived her life the way she thought was right and had a ball doing it. If you ask me who the greatest person in the world was, you know what my answer would be.

And if there is a heaven or hell, I will walk her through the pearly gates or comfort her in the lakes of fire. I can only hope that I would have touched someone enough for them to do the same for me.

You have my condolences, Nim.

Happy fucking new year to you too, bro. Here's to hoping that it'll be better than the last. ~cheers~

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: out there
Insane since: Oct 2001

posted posted 01-01-2003 13:46

we buried my mom two days before Christmas 2002. three months earlier we found out she had cancer and there was nothing that could be done. i can't say it's any easier knowing ahead of time. if anything, i would say it prolongs and deepens the feeling of helplessness..."the everlasting question about happiness and point of life"...
nimraw (or anybody) i can't say i'm any closer to an answer than you are but, i do think the key to the answer is in the first line of your post; the operative word being share.
happiness to you

Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: Happy Hunting Grounds...
Insane since: Mar 2001

posted posted 01-01-2003 16:25

Sorry to here about your personal loss, Nimraw. That's always a tough one, when a loved one dies...and a part of life's lessons...learning to accept loss. My Uncle passed away recently, as my wife and I were on vacation in Florida...we were there as he...died. One second, there was life, in his eyes, the next...gone.

And losing a person like your Granpa was, to you, is even harder...death often brings with it such insightful thinking as you are now going through. This is, IMHO, a natural part of the acceptance process...and of loss...

As for what is important in life...hmmm. You know, I once used to think it was very important to make a difference in the world, to be famous, have money, etc...but after working for the Intelligence community for the years that I's mostly pretty dirty work. Yes, I met a lot of famous and powerful people, and they learned who I was (in a fashion...), and even helped change the world...I had lots of money...which was nice, for a time.

However, after the War, in the Gulf, and all that death, and death-dealing, I was really at a sad place, inside...I guess it was just the culmination of all the things I had done, and finally the impact of the realization, of what I had done. I had all this power...from my decisions, people lived, died, got ruined, etc...and I certainly wasn't using this power along the lines of how I really wasn't really my, I quit. And I went on a personal quest, to re-find myself...that took a long time. I hid out in college, while doing so...

For me, wealth, things, power, fame...all I find that learning about life, myself, and this thing that we label reality is far more important...that creation, and positively influencing people is a far, far better 'reward', than the opposite was. I try to seperate myself from selfish acts, these days...and to live with what I have done in the past. Sometimes, it's not an easy task. But then, if it were easy, then I guess it wouldn't be worth it, to try...being happy, and content, with the person that is inside, and with the whole of life outside, is for me a much better way...albeit sometimes (well, most of the time...), it's a lot harder. Being mostly inconsequental these days...sure, I work for SAP now...and my decisions affect millions of dollars...but that is just money. Mostly, I help people, in my job...problem-solving. It can be very stressful at times...but it pays the bills. I don't have a large amount of wealth, or personal property...and strangely, my life seems to be better for it...I'm certainly not participating in the Rat Race, anymore...and that dropped a load of weight from my shoulders. Our car is 16 years old...not because we can't afford a new one, but because it works just fine...why should I buy a new one? My computer, I put together myself, from peoples 'throw-away' parts...again, not because I couldn't buy a new one, but because it wasn't computer works just fine...and was a hell of a lot cheaper...and has more meaning to me, because I built it with my own hands, got the parts by scrounging around, asking, meeting people...that took time, of course...but I believe, that it was worth it...

So, I would say, to find the answers you are looking for, look inside...and maybe hear the words, of those now departed...but in the end, it's mostly about you. What do you need, to be happy, and content with yourself, and your life? The answers lie within...

And as a post note...honor your Grandpa. To help with dealing with your loss, it is often helpful to do doesn't have to be anything huge, or on a grand scale...just something...appropriate.

Feel free to contact me anytime, if you feel the need to talk...

Maniac (V) Mad Scientist with Finglongers

From: Cell 53, East Wing
Insane since: Jul 2001

posted posted 01-01-2003 16:28

Nimraw: Life can get shitty (and often at the just the wrong time too) but it does get better (but sometimes it just gets worse too). I have no real answers to that one I'm afraid

I think one of the things you was asking about was your aims, goals, etc.:

At the moment I'm pursuring an international career, being totally focused on my work and neglecting most of the outer world.

and I think I'd rather have no money and be happy and interact with plenty of people than have some high flying job with lots of money and not much contact with the outisde world. The again money can pay for nice holidays and things and an influential position could mean that you could actually make a 'difference' so its swings and roundabouts. Perhaps somewhere out there there is a happy medium.

Anyway I hope things look better in the cold light of day (or with the healing powers of time anyway).

[edit: damn - WS managed to make similar points whilst I was typing ]


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