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njuice42
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Gig Harbor, WA
Insane since: Feb 2002

posted posted 10-07-2004 09:37

...and all that's inbetween.

So I'm sure a number of you on the boards have been in relationships before, previous posts and threads have come to pretty much cement the fact that we aren't completely lost in the world of nerd-dom as much as we may jest. So here's the deal. I met me a woman.

Ever been in a relationship that you just can't fully seem to grasp? Maybe it's the number of drinks I've had tonight to bring the courage to post something about it, but I find myself in a most peculiar situation that even I had guessed would happen eventually. As much as I have, of course, I haven't been able to find a logical and solid way around it without seeming like a complete goob, which has pretty much already been done anyways.

She's pretty, hell more than pretty, she's the most attractive woman I've yet to have any kind of relationship with. She's fun, we get along, and damned if I haven't practically bent over backwards to try and gain her affection. Tonight I threw a gathering of sorts, an informal party of myself and her with a few mutual friends. We got a bon fire going for a little, had a few and laughed a bit. Swallowed my pride and continued with the streak of ballsy moves that I had been pulling out for the past few weeks... I asked her if she wanted to give a relationship a shot.

Something tells me, this friggin little lingering feeling, even after getting in touch with her on her cel and asking her bluntly about it (which was probably a bit more of a mistake than I care of admit), that she's not totally on board. I hate this damn feeling, and it just won't leave.

My insecurities, I know, I know.

I'm kind of a shy guy. You know, the kind that takes for-freaking-ever to ask an important question. Past experiences have kind of soured the whole prospect of getting shot down, kind of a fear of mine. But so far, three ballsy moves and I'm batting a thousand. I hear that she's into me, but she just doesn't act it out, really. It's not like she avoids me or anything, but kind of an indiference... ho-hum, yanno?

So why can't I shake this feeling? I want nothing more than to have a good, fulfilling relationship with this woman. I can see being with her, I really can, dammit I really want this.

Now I know, I've posted shit like this before asking for life lessons and blah blah blah... even I'm getting kind of tired with it. WebShamen, you know what I'm talking about.

Though there's really no one to comfortably talk to about this, as everyone seems to have a biased opinion. And real life friends have gone and fucked with ex-girlfriends in the past. So I figure what the hell, I'll ask a group of strangers and aquaintances. Like it or not, I've found a little bit of a familiar feeling with this forum. Something that, outside of a huge argument or an onslaught of crap, I'd likely not leave this place for a while (I can hear the groans). So, for one last time, I'm asking ya'll for some life advice. Excuse me, I need another shot... not drunk enough to hit the Submit New Thread button quite yet.

I guess I'll figure out if this whole thing is a mistake once I wake up, but damn, it's a rollercoaster right now. Tempted to type more... this invisible person I'm addressing to at the moment of writing wants to hear more, so that's what I'll give them.

I'm worried that there's pressure on her to do it, and that's she's going along with it because she doesn't want to say no. And that's the worst feeling I've felt in a long time, the feeling that there may be some kind of game being played, and I'm just the only one not seeing it. It sucks. I get along fabulously with her parents and she seems to get along just fine with mine, but damn.

Oh, okay. I guess I should be completely honest with you all at this point, because I don't really have anything to protect anymore. Those same friends, herself and I are planning (preliminary at the moment, enough time to back out of) to move in together to get the hell outta our parents homes. I, personally, have had about enough at home and am considering either finding myself something to make me happy here or join the Army. No shit, that's the plan. Lost 35 pounds preparing for it so far. And I'm willing to set it on the backburner for a second. Let me collect my thoughts with a smoke real quick...

I long for the days of not having all this crap on my plate. I can't help but sit here and remember about how good it was back in the day, when people were just people. No relationships, no moving out, no jobs, no worries... this growing up shit is lame. At the same time, it's something I have to do and something I want to do, I'm tired of living with mommy and daddy.

I think moving in may be too much, and that scares the crap out of me. She brought it up, she asked me if I was onboard, albeit it was before I had popped the second most important question to her, but she doesn't seem any different really. When I asked her a while ago about relationships, she told me that she always kind of just "went out" with people instead of the traditional ways to taking one out to dinner and a movie, the whole courting ritual. And that's what I'm using, the tradition. Let's not shift the blame here, Steve. I wonder if what I'm doing it either too much or too little. I'm afraid I'll make a move that will make her run away or something.

The second episode of MASH is on, I love this show.

Anyways... I'm lost again. Yes, again. I wish I had someone to talk to about this and spare you all with my fifteen pages of drunked blabbering, but I don't. I ask that you only try and understand my position before answering.

What a mess. But dammit I want a relationship with her, she's pretty much everything I had asked for in a girlfriend, from what I know. We've got a ton in common, down to being fans of the same cartoon through childhood.

Jim Carrey said something in 'Endless Sunshine on a Spotless Mind', "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see?" Go, Jim.

"Everything's coming up Millhouse."

Cell # 551
icq 957255
msn njuice42(at)hotmail.com

Tyberius Prime
Paranoid (IV) Mad Scientist with Finglongers

From: Germany
Insane since: Sep 2001

posted posted 10-07-2004 10:44

I love MASH to. Now if somebody would send me the DVDs, I'd be one happy bugger.

As for the moving togethr part... I know that moving in with my last girl was one of the bigger mistakes I ever made. We were young, we were inexperienced and we had very different 'living together' styles (me being the hermit, her being the family kind of person). In the end, it destroyed our relationship.

If you believe she's going along just because she doesn't want to say 'no'... Reconsider your interest in her. Honestly, nothing is worse than a girl who manages to lie to herself about her feelings. You'll never be able to figure out what she really wants. Believe me, I've been there before.

Though I'd consider the cel thing a pretty darn good indicator of how interested she is in you. If she still said 'yes'.

so long,

->Tyberius Prime

WebShaman
Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: Happy Hunting Grounds...
Insane since: Mar 2001

posted posted 10-07-2004 13:25

Well.

Two things, two paths...which one to suggest, which one to take?

The first path, you learn how to live on your own first, before getting into a serious relationship with a woman, and then living together for the first time, for both of you (if I am understanding that correctly). As Tyberious Prime has said - a recipe for disaster. I call this path the path of security, and maturity.

The second path, you go ahead, and do it. Throw caution into the wind, live your life, don't let fear paralyse your mind, experience is a great teacher. I call this path the path of carelessness, and excitement, of youth.

This is really about you, and about her. Both paths have their merits, and drawbacks. The path of security means that you will lose out on a lot of experiences, but the consequences of your actions will be less drastic. and leaves opportunites in your life open. The path of carelessness means that you will gain a lot of experiences very fast, but the consequences will be mighty, some will affect the rest of your life, if you are not careful.

There is, however, another path, a third one, that combines both.

And remember, what you are feeling, is not necessarily what others are feeling. Maybe she loves you, likes you, whatever. Maybe her feelings are not as strong as yours, maybe they are. Communication and honesty are the best way to clear up these questions.

Good luck!

WebShaman | Asylum D & D | D & D Min Page

njuice42
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Gig Harbor, WA
Insane since: Feb 2002

posted posted 10-07-2004 17:52

I've never wanted my morning coffee so badly...
As much as I regret having written all of that, I don't... surprisingly enough to myself. Stuff that's been bottled up, you know?

Yeah, she said yes over the phone last night. That makes me think that a big part of what's making me feel so uneasy about it is just all up in the head. I do this sometimes, overthink shit to the point of making myself sick of the situation before anyone else.

WebShamen, you touched on something I could never wrap my mind around, for the life of me. It's a difficult thing for me to accept the fact that I won't know what others are thinking or feeling. Talking it over with her plainly is just something I have to do, I don't like games being played and I certainly don't want to be the only one playing it.

Her not being truthful to herself; that's pretty much exactly what I'm afraid of right there. Unfortunately, I believe my only course to take at the moment would be to ride it out a little and wait to see how things go. Then the moving thing plays in...

Part of me wants to. It isn't the first time I've been out of my house on a living condition, away from the family. It just didn't work out the first time and I came back. Plus, the fact that I live 45 minutes to an hour away from her, I'm down in her neck of the woods (no innuendo, honest) damn near 75% of the time I'm awake anyways. I'd really like to be able to see her without the wait.

She's gung-ho about it, but I think it has more to do with getting out than moving in with me, you see.

Both paths are tempting. Unfortunately, at the point I'm in now, either way I'll be stepping on someone's toes one way or another. Everyone's simply down to do it, so backing out (while possible) would just piss everyone else off... her included, so... I don't know.

But I'm not stupid, I know that you guys are right about it being a wrong move. Shaky ground, and not just around Mt. St. Helens.

This is driving me nuts.

Thank you guys.

edit: strange wording and whatnot

Cell # 551
icq 957255
msn njuice42(at)hotmail.com

(Edited by njuice42 on 10-07-2004 18:10)

mobrul
Bipolar (III) Inmate

From:
Insane since: Aug 2000

posted posted 10-07-2004 18:25

I do not know for sure how old you are, but from various clues, I'm guessing maybe 19-25 range. (Please forgive me if I've guessed inaccurately.) I say there's only one time to be young -- that would be, when you are young.
That's not to say go crazy stupid careless, but there's a whole lot of life to be lived at 23 yrs old and you might as well live it.

Don't worry so much about:
a) hooking up
b) f***ing up
You'll have plenty of chance to do both or either regardless of your 'moving in' choice.

Pretty much, if you come out the other side of this experience without a child, a prison sentence or a drug addiction you'll be OK whatever you chose to do.

(And the good thing about being young is that even if you do come out the other side with any of those 3 things you still have time to recover! It won't be easy, but you can do it.
Kinda puts things into a little different perspective, huh?)

(Edited by mobrul on 10-07-2004 18:28)

BiGCaC
Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Hartford,Ohio,USA
Insane since: May 2003

posted posted 10-08-2004 03:56

Well njuice42 I happen to agree for the most part on what everone has said here. I also think that if you really feel that you care for her then why not try it. I mean the worst thing that can happen is it doesn't work out the way you wanted it to come out as. So what shit happens, but maybe it happened that way for a reason. Anyways, I myself have been in a simialr situtation. I passed it up, and am now beinging to re-think what mistake I have made. I had the oppertunity to move in with friends and their girlfriends and they told me they wouldn't mind if I brought my girlfriend in to live also. But I passed that chance up. I also almost married this girl. And thank god we broke up the day before I was going to "pop the question." We would have gotten married cause we both wanted it, but it would have been a huge mistake. For many reasons, we both were pretty young, and there was lack of communication. Which I think might be a small problem in your relationship. What I mean by that is well you are not sure if she is doing this just so she doesnt have to say no; am I right? Well you should most defiently confront her about that. Dont be like, "Is this a game or what the hell is going on?" Just ask her to explain her feelings for you a little bit more then what she has. Then you can get a feel for it.

As for the whole moving in deal. Well as long as it is still pretty far in the future why not try to see how things work out between you and this girl. If things seem to be going smoothly and ok then really consider moving in. If they are not I would say dont move in period. Because if you two cant work things out in your relationship, how will it be when the two of you are under the same roof. But you must also keep in mind that if the two of you along with others are going to move in together, well think about what may happen between you, the girl, and everyone else if the two of you were to end your relationship. If you feel there is going to be a lose if friends, or tension in the house then do not move in. Or if you think one of your friends will end up "hooking up" with her, think about how you personally would react to seeing them "flaunting" it around the household. If you are the type of person to feel hurt and anguish over such a thing then do not move in.

Really this is a decision for you and only you to make for yourself. We and I are just giving you some advice. I am not entirely sure if all my ranting helped you any, but none the less we are all trying our best to help you out. I would just take it into deep consideration before I jump into anything. Who knows you might already have your mind made up and might just be waiting for someone to say it, for you to actually realize how you feel.

BiGCaC

WebShaman
Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: Happy Hunting Grounds...
Insane since: Mar 2001

posted posted 10-08-2004 13:13

I'm with mobrul on this one...but that is just me. Life, especially when young, is for living!

You are supposed to get out there, and enjoy life, get hurt, experience pain, experience joy, and everything else inbetween! Just try to avoid the three things that mobrul mentioned, if you can. How are you ever supposed to mature, if you don't get out there and experience life?

Sometimes, the things we need to learn, are painful ones.

Whatever you do, I wish you luck.

And since you won't be needing that Mumu anymore...can I have it?



WebShaman | Asylum D & D | D & D Min Page

njuice42
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Gig Harbor, WA
Insane since: Feb 2002

posted posted 10-08-2004 20:16

Well thank you much, guys. Good advice all around, I appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts on it.

So here's the decision. I've talked it over with her, and I think I'm just going to go ahead and give this a shot. I asked her about how it would feel if she and her new boyfriend (does sound cool, hehe) moving in to the same house so early. She said that she didn't think it would change very much beside the fact that we'd be sleeping in the next room from one another and not saying goodnight and dropping her off at home, as per almost everynight for the past three weeks. Now I, on the otherhand, am still a little hesitant, I don't want to see any extra strain on the relationship, but I think it'll be an interesting life experience anyways.

You guys are right though, it's life and I need to give it a try. I don't want to sit here for another 5 or 6 years and wonder what could have been. Hell, with the lease option we have, there's nothing to lose. Because we're getting it from a mother of my room mate, there isn't anything we need to put down except to pay the first month's rent, which is already taken care of. Should we not feel like living there anymore, we can walk out on the lease at any time with no penalty. Our individual monthly costs are something that we wouldn't find anywhere else... cheap, good.

What a safe way to live dangerously, eh?

It means that I'll likely be taking a few personal favors off of people, but given enough time and energy, I think it just might work. The other people I'm moving in with, we've gotten along good since the days of High School (we're all around the 21 age now), hell I'm even 'Uncle Steve' to their son. I doubt there will be very many things to go wrong between us, I hope anyways.

So I guess I'll be moving my stuff out after the weekend and moving into my new place.

Woo!

I think.



Oh, and consider the sacred Mumu yours Webshamen. I'll be suffering once more with a dialup connection, but I'll still be around. Might even drop a line or two
Cell # 551
icq 957255
msn njuice42(at)hotmail.com

(Edited by njuice42 on 10-08-2004 20:18)

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