Topic: Website content review. Well, kinda... (Page 1 of 1)

Here's what I'm thinking about using for my, loose use of the trem, Intoduction to a website I'm working on.

95% of the site's content is in the text so I want to nail this bit. This passage will most likely be the second passage the viewer reads. The first being a small introduction and explanation about the site.

Basically all I want to know is weather or not you'd want to keep reading the next page if you read this.

------------------------------------------

The first thing I always hear of a morning is my alarm clock, it?s
one of those cheap $20 jobs that manages to squeeze out a
sound not unlike nails scraping across a blackboard. Pounding
madly for the off button I somehow manage to pull myself out
of bed and shuffle my way into the kitchen. Following this is the
euphony produced from my coffee percolator; a seductive growl
followed by the most sensuous odours to ever grace my nostrils.
This is the turning point of my day?

Coffee may not be the only reason to wake up in the morning but
for most it?s a better reason than going to work.

Nevertheless, there?s a lot more to coffee than a reason to get up
in the morning. In fact I could waste pages of valuable bandwidth
telling you just what coffee is and how?s it made, but I?m not going
to do that. I?d prefer us to explore some of the more interesting
things about coffee, the bizarre tales, legends, myths and
occasionally some facts. Coffee?s not just a substance; it?s a thing,
a concept, a butterfly and a caterpillar all at once, some say it?ll
even do your laundry!

Although, if all you?re after are some boring old facts about how
coffee is made then you better off asking your local coffee shop
waitress or browsing through my (Link -> ) links section (<- Link).

On the other hand, If you want to embark on a journey through the
world of coffee with a bag of chocolate coated coffee beans then
you?d better swallow the red pill because Kansas is about to go bye bye.

>>>>>>>>>> Big Fat Link to next Page.

-------------------------------------------------

Any comments or sugestions welcome.

Many thanks in advance.

Oh, I'll come and hang out at this website, promise! Are you thinking of maybe doing graphics for it in the style of your sig image here? That would be incredible, it's been weeks since I first saw your sig image, but still, I stop and look every time it flashes by - gorgeous!

Great text, wonderful concept, got a domain for it yet?

Your pal, -doc-

Dracusis: I'm not a bi coffee fan ~ducks~ but that would have me wanting to read further. I now want to see what else you've got for this so come on!!

Emps

Great piece.

What follows is spit and polish. Use it or not.

The first sentence is actually two stuck together with a comma. It's called a comma-splice. I do it all the time and have become sensitive to it when editing.

Once split into two sentences, they comprise your opening paragraph. ("Pounding" starts your second graph.)

The new first sentence could go two ways depending on how you intend it. Either way, lose "always". "Thing" is the word that could send it either way. With it, I'm expecting a list. Without it, the thought is one of a surprise delivery of news as in, "well that's the first I heard of it!" I lean towards dropping "thing" simply because I'm usually surprised , and not always pleasantly, by morning.

Depending on the direction you take, "Following" either stays the same, as in the list mode, or goes, since the sequence is established by the story. I'd drop it and go right from the kitchen door to the feelings evoked by the sensuous sounds and smells of the coffee brewing. Are you anxious for it to finish? Has it already finished and you're grateful? Something like that.

That will help "turning point" live more comfortably there as well.

"Coffee may not" needs to lose the words "for most". Before and after this line you're firmly in the I. This line switches to what others think. Who cares what they think? It's about you and your morning? Right? I relate to you without being drawn into it.

Next graph: Drop "In fact", "I'm not going to do that" and "us". There are no facts, just do it, and keeps it in the "I".

Break the graph at "Coffee's not". Strenghtens the sentence and echoes the "Coffee may not" graph above. Keep it in the I by dropping "some say" and think of something other than laundry. I like the idea of juxtaposition from the philosophical to the practical, I don't think laundry's it because I suddenly smell soap and bleach.

Still, I like it!

"the most incredible feats are often accomplished by
those who have had the most incredible challenges"

~blushes~

Thanks for the compliments guys. I'm glad you liked it.

And yes, the imagery for the site will be very similar to my sig. The sig was a little test run to see if I could actually pull it off.

I don't have much more to show right now save for a heap of sketches and plans in my art diary. And I'm still in the drafting stages for the content so that?s kinda all over the place.

I also ~seem~ to be shifting from narration to exposition and back again in my writing style, which is busting my noodle right about now. It seems to read ok though, eh I'll ask my writing tutor about it. Writing can be so complex when you analyse it too much. Did you ever notice that the word ?analyse? has ?anal? in it?

Domain? No. I?m still tossing around ideas for that and I?m open to suggestions. I kinda like socialgrease.com though. I had a bunch of other written donw but I can?t find where right now .

Edit:
Wow! That's one hell of a review bruce! Thanks for taking the time to pick it appart. I really appreciate it. You do this kinda stuff for a living or something?

[This message has been edited by Dracusis (edited 05-09-2002).]

I don't know if you're aware of it, but you're using the first three parts of an established storytelling fomula, ABDCE.

Action
Background
Development
Climax
Ending

It works well on the web because it grabs the reader before they can hit the "back" button. It's what got me to read past the first line or two.

"the most incredible feats are often accomplished by
those who have had the most incredible challenges"

Taking some of Brucew's advive onboard:

---------------------------------------------

The first sound I hear of a morning is my alarm clock. It?s one of those
cheap $20 jobs that manages to squeeze out a sound not unlike nails
scraping across a blackboard.

Pounding madly for the off button I somehow manage to pull myself
out of bed and shuffle my way into the kitchen. A seductive growl sings
out from my coffee percolator as I anxiously await my reward. I poor
the liquid into my mug while a rich and sensuous odour saturates the
air. This is the turning point of my day?

Coffee may not be the only reason to wake up in the morning but it?s a
better reason than going to work.

Nevertheless, there?s a lot more to coffee than a reason to get up in
the morning. I could waste pages of valuable bandwidth telling you just
what coffee is and how?s it made, but I?m not going to do that. I?d prefer
us to explore some of the more interesting things about coffee, the
bizarre tales, legends, myths and occasionally some facts.

Coffee?s not just a substance; it?s a thing, a concept, a butterfly and a
caterpillar all at once, it?ll even sing songs to you!

Although, if all you?re after are some boring old facts about how coffee
is made then you better off asking your local coffee shop waitress or
browsing through my (Link -> ) links section (<- Link).

On the other hand, If you want to embark on a journey through the
world of coffee with a bag of chocolate coated beans then you?d better
swallow the red pill because Kansas is about to go bye bye.

---------------------------------------------

No I don't write or edit for a living. For me, the web is the ultimate vanity press. I enjoy writing and I enjoy working with other writers.

A couple of years back I decided to become a bit more involved in my writing. When time, money and my headspace permit, I take courses at the local literary center. Last summer they asked me to give a course on web site basics for writers. They want to repeat it this fall, but I'm wondering if it shouldn't be two workshops, one on making web sites and a second on the differences between writing for paper vs. the web.

In the mean time I'm reworking their web site (see this thread and this thread) with an eye towards providing a forum for just these sorts of exchanges. Ideas in that area are welcome.

"the most incredible feats are often accomplished by
those who have had the most incredible challenges"

Not bad, Drac. I would give you a more detailed review, but since bruce has done such a thorough job of picking apart the text I feel kind of awkward, like I'd be piling too much on you... Ah, what the heck. Here goes (working off of your second draft):

I gotta be honest with you, the first sentence kind of rubs me the wrong way. For some reason "the first sound I hear of a morning," seems a bit awkward, maybe even pretentious. Why not just "in the morning"?

On the other hand, I like the idea of an alarm clock "squeezing" out a sound. It's not a typical collocation, but it fits and it gives the sentence a little twist.

I'm not sure about "pounding for." We usually pound things, we don't pound for them. We could "flail" for them, though. In the same paragraph I would take "my way" out of "shuffle my way into the kitchen." The sentence works fine without it, and the simper construction has a nicer balance, I think. In the next sentence you have "growl" and "sings"--another unusual collocation. I'm not sure if it works here, though. I'm also not sure what you might replace it with (that's a big help, I know ). Also, "liquid" seems a bit odd in the next sentence. Maybe it needs a modifier, like "dark," to help it along.

Fourth paragraph. "I'd prefer us to" doesn't work. Personally, I would just take the "us" out and stick with "I'd prefer to explore." Also, I think you should have a semicolon after "interesting things about coffee," since you're introducing a list.

I would change the punctuation in the next sentence. The last comma should be either a period, a semicolon, or a dash, depending on what effect you want. If you make that change, I would also change the first semicolon to a comma (it works that way too). If you want the full-stop effect, though, you could go for a period too (in which case I would make the last comma a dash or semi-colon, but not a period). In other words:

Coffee?s not just a substance, it?s a thing, a concept, a butterfly and a
caterpillar all at once--it?ll even sing songs to you!

-or-

Coffee?s not just a substance. It?s a thing, a concept, a butterfly and a
caterpillar all at once--it?ll even sing songs to you!

I don't think you need the "although" starting the next paragraph, since you have "on the other hand" to balance things in the following paragraph. On the grammar front: "you better off" -> "you're better off" or "you'd be better off." And you've got a capital "I" in "if" after "on the other hand." Stuff that would be caught by spellcheck, of course.

Well, that's my butchering of the text . Like Emps, I'm not a big coffee fan either, but I do love myths and legends and stuff! I'm looking forward to the finished product.

(yeah, I do kind of do this for a living, but I usually have to trudge through texts by people who don't write nearly as well as you.)

*pokes head in*
loving this thread, loving your text, loving the way its coming...
nice work people!
*pokes head out?*

- - r e i t s m a - -
(tifkab)

Oh, I can hardly wait until it's online...especially if there are going to be more art graphics like your sig...man, I really dig your deco-art stuff...and yeah, I love coffee! Coffe is gooooood! Nothing is better than coffee...(blah...coffee...blah...coffee...blah)... what a topic! Get to work!