Website content review. Well, kinda... — OZONE Asylum, home of the Mad Scientists

Website content review. Well, kinda...

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Your Text: Insert Slimies » Insert UBB Code » Close Last Tag \| All Tags UBB Help	Great piece. What follows is spit and polish. Use it or not. The first sentence is actually two stuck together with a comma. It's called a comma-splice. I do it all the time and have become sensitive to it when editing. Once split into two sentences, they comprise your opening paragraph. ("Pounding" starts your second graph.) The new first sentence could go two ways depending on how you intend it. Either way, lose "always". "Thing" is the word that could send it either way. With it, I'm expecting a list. Without it, the thought is one of a surprise delivery of news as in, "well that's the first I heard of it!" I lean towards dropping "thing" simply because I'm usually surprised , and not always pleasantly, by morning. Depending on the direction you take, "Following" either stays the same, as in the list mode, or goes, since the sequence is established by the story. I'd drop it and go right from the kitchen door to the feelings evoked by the sensuous sounds and smells of the coffee brewing. Are you anxious for it to finish? Has it already finished and you're grateful? Something like that. That will help "turning point" live more comfortably there as well. "Coffee may not" needs to lose the words "for most". Before and after this line you're firmly in the I. This line switches to what others think. Who cares what they think? It's about you and your morning? Right? I relate to you without being drawn into it. Next graph: Drop "In fact", "I'm not going to do that" and "us". There are no facts, just do it, and keeps it in the "I". Break the graph at "Coffee's not". Strenghtens the sentence and echoes the "Coffee may not" graph above. Keep it in the I by dropping "some say" and think of something other than laundry. I like the idea of juxtaposition from the philosophical to the practical, I don't think laundry's it because I suddenly smell soap and bleach. Still, I like it! "the most incredible feats are often accomplished by those who have had the most incredible challenges" Loading...
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