Website content review. Well, kinda... — OZONE Asylum, home of the Mad Scientists

Website content review. Well, kinda...

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Your Text: Insert Slimies » Insert UBB Code » Close Last Tag \| All Tags UBB Help	Not bad, Drac. I would give you a more detailed review, but since bruce has done such a thorough job of picking apart the text I feel kind of awkward, like I'd be piling too much on you... Ah, what the heck. Here goes (working off of your second draft): I gotta be honest with you, the first sentence kind of rubs me the wrong way. For some reason "the first sound I hear [b]of a[/b] morning," seems a bit awkward, maybe even pretentious. Why not just "in the morning"? On the other hand, I like the idea of an alarm clock "squeezing" out a sound. It's not a typical collocation, but it fits and it gives the sentence a little twist. I'm not sure about "pounding for." We usually pound things, we don't pound for them. We could "flail" for them, though. In the same paragraph I would take "my way" out of "shuffle my way into the kitchen." The sentence works fine without it, and the simper construction has a nicer balance, I think. In the next sentence you have "growl" and "sings"--another unusual collocation. I'm not sure if it works here, though. I'm also not sure what you might replace it with (that's a big help, I know :)). Also, "liquid" seems a bit odd in the next sentence. Maybe it needs a modifier, like "dark," to help it along. Fourth paragraph. "I'd prefer us to" doesn't work. Personally, I would just take the "us" out and stick with "I'd prefer to explore." Also, I think you should have a semicolon after "interesting things about coffee," since you're introducing a list. I would change the punctuation in the next sentence. The last comma should be either a period, a semicolon, or a dash, depending on what effect you want. If you make that change, I would also change the first semicolon to a comma (it works that way too). If you want the full-stop effect, though, you could go for a period too (in which case I would make the last comma a dash or semi-colon, but not a period). In other words: Coffee?s not just a substance, it?s a thing, a concept, a butterfly and a caterpillar all at once--it?ll even sing songs to you! -or- Coffee?s not just a substance. It?s a thing, a concept, a butterfly and a caterpillar all at once--it?ll even sing songs to you! I don't think you need the "although" starting the next paragraph, since you have "on the other hand" to balance things in the following paragraph. On the grammar front: "you better off" -> "you're better off" or "you'd be better off." And you've got a capital "I" in "if" after "on the other hand." Stuff that would be caught by spellcheck, of course. Well, that's my butchering of the text :). Like Emps, I'm not a big coffee fan either, but I do love myths and legends and stuff! I'm looking forward to the finished product. (yeah, I do kind of do this for a living, but I usually have to trudge through texts by people who don't write nearly as well as you.) [img]http://hwarang_.tripod.com/suho1004_sig3.txt[/img] Loading...
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