Topic awaiting preservation: ????'s and thoughts

First off let me apologise for two things

1.Not Posting this under my usual asylum login
2.the length of this post it may ramble on a bit.

Okay so why the anonymous post ?

well it doesnt matter who i am as far as this post goes and maybe some of you may pick up who it is but if you do please respect my anonimity in this thread but ya can take it to email if ya want to.

So whats it all about,

well over the last week or so a few things have completely changed my outlook on myself my life and how i view others, and how i will react,interract etc in the future.

I've done some pretty fucked up things in my life, whether it was active service for my country some of what i'm proud to have done, some i am not so proud to have done, or later after i left the military in security work, wehther BG work or bouncing in a nightclub. I guess coming from that background has left a deep impression on me somewhere that can only be got from being in life or death situations, it makes you more ready to be agressive in nature. so a few times in the asylum i have crossed words with people i have now a deep respect for, so to those people i apologise and will try my best to bite my tongue in future.

So what happened to change me or make me want to change.

three things really one was a post here from someone who nearly lost their father through a heart attack, it left a deep impression on me and i took a step to try and fix something i should have done a long time ago, he knows who he is and thanks again.

the second,well it may seem stupid or trivial to you,but it was a tv film last night based on a british unit in bosnia, maybe it was the fact that i am ex military myself and that i have been in almost the exact type of fucked up situation as they found thenmselves in (it was based on real events).
the film was very graphic and brought home a simple message for me, no matter how bad things can be, or how aggravating things can get, ya nknow the type of shit i mean someone post something about ya or ya work you put here and it really pisses you off and you react to it. WTF for hell its not like ya gonna die or lose a loved one, the last few days here in the asylum i have seen some of the pettiest squabbles that would be better of in a kindergarten somewhere, hell is it worth it, it doesnt really matter if its in real life or here trivial things arent worth getting pissed off at, or people aswell, ok someoen can be a righteous pain in the ass but does it really mess with your life to the point ya gotta shout,post crap at em...we do enough damage to other people as it is sometimes so why bother unless its really necessary to defend the things ya care about, ya familly friends etc.


i guess this isnt exactly coming out in a cohesive way but its just as i think i write it so i apologise if i ramble on. Lifes to short to make enemies of anyone isnt it better to try and get on with people, if they piss you off with some inane comment or post to ignore it and use the time that you would reply to it to do something more productive.

the last thing that finally really got to me more than anything else was a trip to somewhere i wanted to see after seeing the holocaust memorial in israel, i drove with a friend to auschwitz (damn i always spell that wrong). took a long walk round and visited the museum there, it was a very humbling expereience to think that humans did something that terrible to other human beings, it was one of the saddest places i have ever been.

i got home last night and i couldnt sleep for a long time my head was spinning, like i said the past week or so a group of things came together that really turned my life upside down, i look at my girlfriend and my familly now a different way, i want to spend every waking hour making sure that if something happened to me tomorrow that they would have no regrets or bad memories from their time with me, i am gouing to do my best where ever possible to make sure that none of my actions or choices have a bad influence or cause harm to other people, i am gonna try to calm down my reactions to things, let things slide by if they dont really affect me or those i love, words dont mean anything, an insult is just a group of words put together to illicit a response from those they were aimed at if ya dont respond all they are is a bunch of words,

damn this isnt quite coming out the way i thought it would, but i guess the nature of this post reflects the state of my mind at the moment, spining round round..

so all i can say is thanks if ya read this far, and maybe some of this stuff will make others think too...

hey .. all I have to say is .. well said and IMHO .. you don't need to be anonymous in this post .. I'm sure many of us would like to know who the one is that is turning over a new leaf .. so to speak .. I only wished many others in my real life would do the same and find what is truely important in life

again well said and I do hope you reveal yourself .. it would show your strength and dedication .. peace to you and yours


.::. cEll .::. 513

That's cool. The holocost thing made me start thinking also. I saw the vietnam memorial in Washington DC and couldn't take it. What is wrong with us as a society? It sometimes make me wonder if there isn't some evil satanic illuminati plot to cause havoic through out the world, but anyway...

"i apologise and will try my best to bite my tongue in future."
There is one problem. If we don't know who you are, this does not make to much sense.

But anway....thanks for sharing, and 'Don't worry, be happy'

Here is a prayer I sort of edited, I don't know who originally wrote it really, I think Chief Dan George, but I am not sure...I changed a couple of lines and some words to fit me personally, I say it every night, it brings a great calm over me and everything around me. Maybe it would be helpful to you also.

O Great Spirit God, whose voice I hear in the winds
And whose breath gives life to the world: "Thank You."
I come to you as one of your many children.
I was once small and weak, but have since grown strong.
And now I ask, patiently, for your strength and your wisdom
To help guide me thru the storms.
When I walk in beauty, let my eyes perceive the
Brilliance of the red and purple sunsets. Teach me:
Teach my hands to respect the things that you have made,
And teach my ears how to better hear your voice.
Teach me wisely so that I may know the things
You have taught your children, and the things you will
Teach my children, and my children's children.
Teach us the lessons you know through all suns,
Planets, winds, plants, animals, rocks, and atoms.
Make me strong, not to be superior to my brothers and sisters,
But to be able to conquer my greatest enemy, myself.
Make me ever ready to come to You with proud eyes,
So that when life fades as the fading sunset,
My spirit comes to You without fear.




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Edit> Removed comment cause I realized I was talking to the wrong person.
It's always nice when something comes along and bites you in the ass and gets your attention. We waste so much time swimming in bad thoughts, bad energy and utter bullshit. It's always nice to wade to the shore and just bask in what is, isn't it?

Happy weekend everyone



[This message has been edited by Jeni (edited 09-20-2002).]

I agree. I know I will after the week I've had!
Have a good one pple's

Will he or wont he?