Preserved Topic: Emotional limbo, or is it? (Page 1 of 1)

I have many questions... I'm not sure if I actualy want answers or advice. Maybe I do... Maybe I just want to discuss the ideology behind some of the questions I'm about to ask in order to help myself understand...

Firstly a bit of background info. I was in a 2 year relationship that ended about 3 months ago. This was not a favoured outcome from my perspective. I've been through the usual paces of depression, anger, sadness, jelouisy <sp? but now I'm mostly numb. I feel almost nothing.

Although getting distance is hard as she is studying the same feild as me at the same University so I still see her at least twice a week. Not to mention that friend circle's were extensivly intertwined before the relationship started and have stayed as such throughout. We didn't talk for about 3 weeks but considering the circumstances I've realised that it would better all round for us to remain friends. Besides, I don't like having 'Enimies' so to speak... However, this has a tendancy to drag up unwanted emotions....

Anyhow, on to the questions...

Is there some kind of set time your meant to be single between relationships?

- Most people answer this with, "things like this are different for everyone"...

- or "You'll know when your ready to move on and find someone else"

How do you 'know' when you reach that point or time?

What if you feel nothing at all most of the time?

What if there are still times when it feels like everything just happened yesterday?

What if you think you like someone else?

If your still hung up on one person can you honestly like another?

Should one even consider entering a relationship while they still think their dragging emotional baggage from a previous one?

Is is always best to tell him/her how you really feel, Or is it best to just wait and see?

Is it all really worth it? <- I tend to be asking myself this one quite a bit lately.

[This message has been edited by Dracusis (edited 03-31-2002).]

Yes there are a whole bunch of 'it depends' that can go with this scenario. My 2cents would go something like this.

You're no good to anyone else until you're good with yourself. If you were actually living together I wouldn't even consider 'looking' for someone else. Another huge factor and I don't know if this comes into play or not... is AGE. I'm of the opinion that most people... male or female don't really know who the hell they are until at least 24 and it really kicks in at 25. Yes there are exceptions but I've not met many. So if you're in that age group just hang in there. Then when you figure out who you are.. don't change. One of the biggest, if not fatal mistakes people make when they 'fall in love' is either change because they think they have to.. *or* the 'other' person wants them to change.

Big time wrong imo... because you have to think what it was that attracted you to that person in the first place. The old scenario of 'I like/love you but if you change this it will be better.' Nope! Won't work. Let's say you like to race motorcycles on the weekend but the 'other' has no time for it and says if you love me you'd stop it. My question is where will the 'other' *stop* at telling you what to do? When you figure out who you are and find that special someone they take you lock-stock and barrel or nothing at all. That doesn't mean there isn't common ground on a whole range of issues... but and to repeat I don't think most of us have a 'very' good idea of who we are until we're in our mid 20's.

I'm friends with some of my X's 'not' with others. It's not a case of you 'learn' to live with it... you just 'live' with it. If you don't go lookin' it's amazing what you find!


[This message has been edited by NoJive (edited 04-01-2002).]

I've been in your situation a couple of times. Basically I didn't move on until I actually found someone else. I mean I would keep my distance from the first, but I would still think about her and sometimes even wish I was back together, but until I truly had someone or something to take my mind off her I didn't. In fact I would go as so far to say that it still hurt me until I found someone else. It's so weird that girls seem to get over things faster. Or at least they do a good job of hiding it. I would she her with different people and/or guys and it would drive me nuts thinking that she was over the whole thing that quickly, but most likely she was doing her best to forget about the whole thing. I don?t' know your situation or the girl, but I can say with out a doubt that in most cases there will be no certain time when this will end. I've known some people to say that a couple weeks that you should start to function with out thinking about the other person, but that was never that case with me. It may be different with you I don?t know about you. It's rough when you go to the same school and have to see her allot. I've did that allot. This past year I had to be in classes with three girls at the same time. All of them I had been heavily involved with and we all still kind of felt uncomfortable together, but we ended up ignoring each other for so long that I finally just spoke up and told them all that I was sick of the silence and that I didn't want us to hold any harsh feelings for one another. Since that day it's been a little easier to see one of them around.

Hope all works out for you.

I like your ideas there NoJive. Over the past month or two I've been trying to figure out who 'I' really am and what I'm doing....

Well, I know what I'm doing but more so where I'm heading and why I'm heading in that direction. Well, no, that's wrong too. This is all rather confusing right now but I think it's supposed to be. I think I'll need to rant this out so bare with me...

For the first time in my life i'm exactly where I want to be. Which was a rather scary realization. I've spent the past 4 years trying to get here, now that I am here I have to re-assess myself and figure out where I need to go, what I want to achieve and how to go about starting what I've decided to term my "New Journey".

I like to think of life itself as a big journey but it's easier to find direction of you break it up into small parts. Since leaving High School I set out on a journey to discover simply what direction I wanted to move in. After spinning around in circles for a good 3 years I finally found what I wanted. The next journey was simple, I needed to acquire a vessel and a map to speed my way. Now I'm 22 and I have that map and I know what the vessel is, I just need to understand it before I can make it work. I now know that vessel is actually me.

I've managed to get where I am without questioning myself or understanding why or how I actually ticked. Now I think I need to know. More than that, I really want to understand who I am and why. I've been going slightly insane over the past 2 months try to figure this out but so far my conclusions have been rather vague. I know I'll never know all the answers but I think that's kinda the whole point. Maybe this self exploration is my "New Journey"....

My relationship issues happening at the same time are certainly helping to add to the confusion. Although maybe their partially the cause. In any event I think my life is in some sort of limbo. I'm just sitting here on this metaphorical rock pondering the infinite possibilities that circle me. Each one taunting me to reach out and grab it....

That may sound rather depressing but I honestly think I'm in a good place right now. I think I'll stay here for a while and see what I can discover. As for dealing with my ex, well ~most~ of those issues have been settled. It's what's in front of me that's cooking my noodle at the moment. I'm thinking about everything differently and I know I'm analysing it all way too much but I think I'm doing ok.

ho hum..... I think I'm 'Thinking' too much.

Thanks for your input though. I really appreciate it.

Learning to live your life alone again (and enjoy doing so) is what it's really about. Face it, for 2 years your life was intertwined with another's...and now you are on your own again. That's why it's different from person to person. Just take some time to get back on your feet again, to the point where you are having fun and liking your (new) life. Then you'll be ready for someone new...good luck, hope this helps...sorry to hear about it...maybe it's for the better...life is strange that way.

Just my twopenoth as we say in the UK, at thirty seven I have had countless girlfriends and lived with six different women, the most recent split up was a few days ago from the woman I was finally going to spend the rest of my life with. Ha! well, add to that I just gave up my job of 15 years to be with her it makes for what might seem a bit of a mess.

So what did I do? well experience has taught me one lesson over and over again - that no amount of depression or analizing will change a damn thing. So I've already lined up the next two targets and started applying for new jobs. Ya gotta cut it loose and move on man. It took me until my early 30's to realise that but since then I rarely look back on what might have been

Remember, what don't kill you makes you stronger



~We're not here for long, we're here for fun~

Way to go Morph! Sorry to hear about your recent travails...that with the job is a real downer...but you've got it right, I think...whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger (not necessarily happier, but stronger). Good luck, mate!

Heavy going... but I think we tend to move on when we least expect it, so yeah, stop all that thinking malarky!!! chill out!!! hang out with ur mates and enjoy life once more!

sorry to hear about your break-up Dracusis.

For the most part I agree with Morph, Webshaman and Kit.

Like morph I'm over 30 and I've seen my share of crappy relationship endings. And I agree with him about obesessing over your ex. I just wanted to offer you a couple of additional suggestions.

I've usually have alot of energy after a break-up, and it gets used on worrying about the the old relationship:

"What could I have done?" ,"Why does she not love me anymore?" Or "What the hell do I do now?" etc.

screw that!

I've found that if I channel all that upset/pent-up energy, the hurt goes away faster. Do what kit said a hang with your friends, shoot some pool or play some basketball.

I also throw myself into my work(art or photography). Most of my best stuff comes from the most trying times in my life. Its amazing how much time I have to work on a photo essay when I dont have to clear my schedule with anyone. Besides, If your going to stress about something, better your art then somebody who isn't a major part of your life anymore.

Finally(an end to my little rant), dont worry about "When will be ready to move on?". Youll know when its right, dont force it. Im getting married in September to a woman who came along when I least expected her, and I know shes the right one.

-----
tiki

p.s. Web Shaman- I read about your recent business troubles, I hope everything goes better for you all.

[This message has been edited by tikigod (edited 04-06-2002).]

tikigod u r a god! fantastic advice and a happy ending, getting married eh...? So u allowed outta here for that or do asylumites get conjugal rites / visitations or sommit???!!!!

heh heh!!

Dracusis, hope that making lite of this strange phenomenon *love* helps...?
I mean, have u ever gone up to some moody looking chica... No!
So pass is the 'shrooms and BIG grins all round...
though IMHO drooling, dribbling and general spazzing-out is a no-no!

kit