Topic awaiting preservation: Poem - The Child (Page 1 of 1)

I guess since Sangreal got such a good response,
I might as well put a poem in here also...

The Child
The tiny child lay upon the lamb skin rug,
Emotions and desires streaking through his tiny body.
He lay there thinking, thinking about nothing.
He did not know of electricity or time.
He had no concept of days, weeks, months, or years.
His mind could not comprehend, nor did it know; about math, or blenders, or boats.
He had never seen a lizard, or touched a horse, or eaten ice cream, or smelled a rose.
He only thought of love, pain, frustration, and hunger; for that was all he knew.

Or course, you can read other poems here.

(Edited by Gilbert Nolander on 05-07-2004 19:02)

GN: Just wanted you to know that yes, someone has read your poem.

I've been a tad busy these days, and I'm still trying to catch up on other threads here and there (not to mention e-mail)--thus the lack of repsonse. So, I'll hold off on a critique for now. Just wanted to let you know that I read it.

___________________________
Suho: www.liminality.org | Cell 270 | Sig Rotator | Keeper of the Juicy Bits

Gilbert, I like this poem. One can feel your emotions through this poem... Being a parent is certainly something great

I have some critiques to do though. English isn't my native language so I may not "feel" the poem as you do, nonetheless I think you could improve your style by considering two or three points.

As I've said, one can feel the emotions carried by this poem, but this isn't enough. In my humble opinion, you need to reinforce the emotion felt by your reader when reading this poem by using various stylistic devices. Comparisons are often used in poetry for they gave a very powerful image. For example, consider these two sentences :

Time flows away, with the utmost patience.
and
Time flows away, with the infinite patience of a beginner lover.

The second sentence clearly gives you a powerful image, you actually feel what I wanted you to feel. You can do the same with your poem.

You could also try separating your sentences into two lines to lay stress on two particular word.

Emotions and desires streaking through his tiny
body, laying there thinking, thinking about nothing.

There are dozens of ways to tranform your sentences. Find the ones you like, always with the same goal : make the reader "feel" your story, don't tell him it.

Another point I would like to comment is the accumulation of examples. Accumulation is not bad ; on the contrary it underlines the fact that the child doesn't know anything. In my opinion, the examples you took are well chosen. However, you have to use them more inteligently than an accumulation at the end of a line.

He did not know of electricity or time.

could be rewritten into :

He did not know of men's deus,
Electricity, invisible running fairy,
As elusive as the flow of time,
That he would soon understand.

This was just a quick example, but I hope it will give you an idea.

Apart from that, in my opinion the words are well chosen and do not hurt the "sound" of the poem.

Hope it helps

----
If wishes were fishes, we'd all cast nets.



(Edited by Moon Shadow on 05-09-2004 12:59)

LOL - Thanks Suho

Thanks for the input Moon Shadow I will look into perhaps changing some things up later...I'm pretty busy right now though...


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