Topic awaiting preservation: heard any good jokes lately? (Page 1 of 1)

I know I have !

Two preachers always rode their bikes to church on Sunday mornings. One Sunday, one of the preachers was walking and the other was riding. The preacher on the bike asked the preacher walking, "Preach, where's your bike?" The walking preacher replied, "I think someone in my congregation stole my bike."

The preacher on the bike came up with an idea:
"When you're preaching your sermon today, preach the Ten Commandments, that way whoever stole your bike will feel guilty when you get to the one about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' and return your bike."

The next Sunday both preachers were riding their bikes again.
"Well, did you do like I suggested and preach the Ten Commandments?"
"Yeah, and when I got to the one about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultary,' I remembered where I left my bike"

adapted from a Redd Foxx joke.




...Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most (ozzy osbourne)

Married

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retire and fall asleep quickly. He is in the upper bunk and she is in the lower bunk. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying: "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

this one was taken from http://www.amazingjokes.com




...Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most (ozzy osbourne)

You know, this may suprise you but... We've had a few of these threads in the past.

yeah, I know, I posted one of these threads in the past. but most people hear new jokes every now and then




...Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most (ozzy osbourne)

LMAO - I love some of these ones. They actually go down well parties too! Sick jokes can be great!

What's green and red and crawls up girl's legs?
A homesick abortion!

How do you get a baby into a bucket?
With a blender!

How do you get baby out of the bucket?
With a straw!

What sits in the corner and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby shaving itself with a potato peeler!

What's white and black and knocks on the window?
A baby in a microwave

What's green and red and goes 100km's an hour?
A frog in a blender

What has two legs?
Half a cat

"You know you have been doing 3d too long when you walk into a church and think, "God, the polycount of this place must be huge!"

I always heard it as "What's pink and bubbly and bangs on glass? A baby in the microwave"




...Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most (ozzy osbourne)

I heard: What's pink and red and gurgles? A baby sucking on a razorblade.

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals? cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn?t very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

?First,? he said, ?I don?t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.?

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

?Well,? said Paul, ?you?ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.?

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Ozone Asylum KILLED my inner child.

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Job, in all his suffering, discusses with his friends his blamelessness and seeks their counsel as to why the Lord has afflicted him. They agree that he, Job, has done nothing to deserve such misfortune.

In deep despair, Job raises his voice to the heavens, "Why, oh Lord of Heaven and Earth, why?"

The sky darkens, the clouds boil, lightning and thunder crash all about Job. A mighty voice bellows out of the storm, "BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!"




In the middle of a forest, a tourist was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean, hungry bear. He turned and started to run as fast as he could. He ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff and has no escape. He fell on his knees, opened his arms to heaven and began to pray, "God, please give this bear some religion!"

Suddenly, there was mighty thunder and lightning and the skies parted and the bear stopped just a feet short of the tourist, and it too fell to its knees and began to pray.

"Dear God" said the bear "I give thee thanks for what I am about to receive..."




A man went rushing into a church for something he had forgotten, but he was stopped cold by a huge sign the janitor had placed in front of the floor that he had just washed. It read: PLEASE DON'T WALK ON THE WATER.




A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.
The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS
The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won.
The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.
The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10.
The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried the bishop the next day.




Deciding that they needed a few hours of vacation from Heaven, God and Jesus went down to earth to play some golf. Going into the last hole, which was a difficult par 5, they are par for par. Jesus walks up to the tee, swings, and makes a beautiful 200 yard drive. Another shot takes him up onto the green and with a final 20-foot shot, sinks the ball for a birdie.

God stood there looking thoughtful, then scratched his head, and finally steps up to the tee. He pulls back, hits the ball, and watches it as it cuts to the left and goes straight into the woods.

About that time, a squirrel stuck its head out of its nest in a old tree only to be struck squarely between the eyes with a golf ball. Knocked senseless with the ball lodge between its ears, the squirrel falls towards the ground and lands on a rabbit. Startled, the rabbit takes off out of the woods and straight onto the green. Just as it gets close to the cup, an eagle swoops out of sky and grabs the rabbit with the squirrel still on its back. The eagle begins circling back up into the heavens when a bolt of lightening streaks out of the cloudless sky and strikes the eagle dead. The eagle's prey plummets towards the green below, and as the rabbit with the squirrel on its back bounces off the ground for a second time, the golf ball dislodges from between the squirrels ears. The ball rolls across the green getting closer and closer to the cup. It then sits precariously on the lip of the cup for a few seconds and then finally falls in.

Jesus looks over at God and says , "Come on, Dad. Are you going to fuck around, or are you going to play golf?"

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(Edited by Xpirex on 09-20-2004 15:19)

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Bill, Frank, and Rod were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Bill and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Bill thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times."

"Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be driving that little yellow Honda over there."

St. Peter approached Frank and asked the same question. Frank answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times.

"Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be driving the red Corvette.

St. Peter stepped up to Rod and repeated the question. Without pause, Rod answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be driving that gold Rolls Royce."

Grinning from ear to ear, Rod approaches the car, but when he reaches the car, he suddenly lays his head on the roof and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter? You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be driving a Rolls Royce for the rest of eternity."

Rod replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the skateboard? That's my wife!"

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QUOTATION: "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."



(Edited by Xpirex on 09-20-2004 15:25)

buncha religious joksters I see... Well, I better add my $0.02:

3 nuns die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the front gate and he says to them: "Welcome ladies - to heaven. We've had such an influx of people trying to get in these days, that we've had to come up with a quiz to decide who gets in and who doesn't." The nuns look at each other and then back at St. Peter worriedly... St. Peter tells them, "Don't worry, since you were all such good nuns on earth, I'm sure you won't have any trouble."
He looks at the first nun and says to her, "Tell me, who was the first man that God created?"
The nun blinks her eyes once, surprised at the question, but says, " Why, Adam, of course!"
And the bells ring, the trumpets blow, the Pearly Gates open and the nun walks through and the Gate close behind her
St. Peter, smiling, looks at the second nun and says, "And who, then, was the first woman created by God?"
And the nun smiles and says, "Well now, sir, that was Eve, of course!"
And the bells ring, the trumpets blow, the Pearly Gates open and the nun walks through and the Gate close behind her
St. Peter steps up to the thrid nun, pats her on the shoulder and says, " Now you look like a smart lady, ever so much smarter than those other two. I've got an extra special question for you: What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
The nun thinks for a minute...
She scrunches up her brows and thinks some more...
After several minutes, she finally looks up at St. Peter and says, " God, that's a hard one!"

And the bells ring, the trumpets blow, the Pearly Gates open and the nun walks through and the Gate close behind her...

I may not believe in any of that kinda religious stuff, but that doesn't make it any less funny.

I like "job" "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS" (The one with golfing would be funny if you only mentioned the names at the end) and best of all, Bodhi's.

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funny websites | funny signatures | funny jokes

Ozone Asylum KILLED my inner child.

Heh heh heh nice ones... no my turn!

Straight front, no offence to anyone.


What Nationality Were Adam and Eve?

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."


Conversion Dilemma

A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his.

"Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason with him!"


A Recently Spotted Christian Bumper Sticker:

"My kid saved your honor student." -- God


The Pope vs. Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.

The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.


Sunday School Money

A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"

"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."


well I guess that's enough to hold everyone off for a few days!!

Here lie the remains of Templar654's sig... *sniff*
Cell #23041 | View File

A kid is sitting in church when he says to his mother "Mommy, I don't feel well".
"Well, go to the back until you feel better".
He does so, and returns a few minutes later.
"I'm OK now, Mom. I found a bowl at the back which said "For The Sick." he said as he sat back down.

Laters,

AlterEgo

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Tragedy

President Bush is visiting an elementary school and drops in on the 4th grade class. The class is in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "Tragedy." So Bush asks the class for an example of a "Tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers...

"If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"Oh no," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Lil' Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says...

"If Air Force One, carrying you & Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a Tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a Tragedy?"

"Well," said Lil' Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an Accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a GREAT LOSS"!

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Jesus christ! finally another non-christial joke...

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funny websites | funny signatures | funny jokes

Ozone Asylum KILLED my inner child.

LMAO!!!! Nice one

Here lie the remains of Templar654's sig... *sniff*
Cell #23041 | View File

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A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat ... a hundred dollars for the story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man twelve dollars, stating, "I'll just take the rat... you can keep the story."

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, the man notices that a few real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers, and begun following him down the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so he begins to walk a little faster.

Within a couple blocks, the group of rats behind him has grown to more than a hundred, and they begin squealing. He starts to trot toward the Bay. He takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands, maybe millions, and they are all squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop.

"Ahh...," says the owner, "I'll bet you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican!"

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QUOTATION: "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

I thought it was supposed to be a bronze lawyer.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." -- Arthur C. Clarke
"Any sufficiently arcane magic is indistinguishable from technology." -- P. David Lebling

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heard any good jokes lately?

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The first presidential debate?

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"Abortion clinics are like expressways to heaven."