...people get along well, or not.
And friends matter.
Relationships flow and die naturally, but those "feelings" we can't explain, to me, can
be explained. As they are built on top of instinct.
Eg. I am the center of my world.
A nitpicky, utterly pompous bitchard for the bad sides, many other things
for the good sides, and I -love- that guy.
So I define my friends in terms of "what kind of priority they grant me".
...Some mentionned "having to take kid gloves with me", but the more I go, the more it looks like...
A person can tell me "ok, we had plans together this we, but I just lost all motivation",
and it will be fine. Turn that into excuse making and you get my instant special, single ticket to
"blacklist county".
A person can tell me "you're a total cunt" but has to explain in very simple words
what makes him/her feel so.
Etc.
I am just, instinctively, and totally "bullshit proof", I like things and reactions that make sense,
and the more I build my self confidence, the more I am inclined towards "firing and forgetting"
bullshit makers, no matter what and no matter WHO.
Thoughts? How do you deal with situations of that kind?
Man, your odd phrasing doesn't make much sense, but
assuming you meant to express awe before someone who sets himself as it's highest priority,
let me put it this way:
if your dog is the center of your world, you got a low self-esteem issue -
I mean, you're feeding the dog before eating for yourself? That's interesting.
And - as a reminder of some rule set in the Mad Sci forum a few days ago - if you got
nothing nice, constructive, or otherwise useful to say, why don't you shut the hell up?
You'd do a favor to you and the rest of the world, including me.
Try again, I can show patience if it's worth a dime..
quote:if your dog is the center of your world, you got a low self-esteem issue -
I mean, you're feeding the dog before eating for yourself? That's interesting.
That's in my opinion a "young" view of the world and on how humanity ticks
I use young here in lack of a better word.
If you are putting someone elses wellbeeing before yourself can in my opinion be an expression of the highest form of self-esteem.
How?
Well, as a father of 3 children I would not be able to produce an ounce of self-esteem if I choose to feed myself before my kids... that would be 100% selfishness, no more no less.
Sure, one argument would be that through feeding myself I'd be stronger and more able to take care of my children, perhaps a logical argument, but as you place feelings of parenthood into the equation logic goes out the window and instinct takes over. Children is the only real legacy we leave once our time on this space borne golfball is over.
Now how does this tie in with your post?
I'm not sure, but I feel it's related.
Placing yourself in the center of your own universe is to me a way to handle relations with the surrounding world and it's inhabitants. I had a similar period in my life where in retrospective, life felt simpler if I choose to ignore input from people around, and yes, to me that is what you describe when you say that a series of excuses instead of a plain "I don't feel like it anymore" places that individual in blacklist-country.
Fine, that's one way of handling it. It's not my way anymore, it was but as I got more time (age) under my belt I found that all I got out of it was a pretty lonely life.
Basically as I categorized people around me like that, it became harder and harder to find friends that fit into the approved behaviour
This in turn made me create new criteria for "true friends" which only made it worse. Sadly I didn't see this as I was doing it, I've found out years after as I had moved, switched jobs and started to be around people that I didn't know.
I can't tell you how to live your life and how to choose your friends, I can only share my experiences from a similar situation. For me, a sane amount of humility and a large dose of respect for how other people work was the ticket.
Which ever way you choose I hope it works.
Cheers/Dan
*/ I'm a ginio.....genios......genu......smart person! /*
{cell 260}{Blog}
-{ Sleep: A common physical disorder that manifests itself as the level of blood in the caffeine circulation exeeds 20% }-
(I was I sure certain you would come whinging on here...)
Since you clearly are provoking my reaction on a public board, let's play your game, act like kids and put things straight:
1. As you know, I see my family and friends from 2 to 5 times a year
2. From 4th to 15th August I had exactly 10 evenings and 10 days to split between the people I wanted to see.
3. You were among these people, and I did get in touch with you in the VERY beginning so we had time to fix a date and see each other. Even before my best mates. I got so much shit from you for not getting in touch the last time I was there for a few days I thought I would do it nice and proper this time. How stupid I can be sometimes, really.
4. You got 5% of my precious time, considering that one "moment" to see someone in my language is 1 afternoon or 1 evening. You can even count it 7% as evenings can be nicer than afternoon, if you're going to have a drink.
5. Something turned up on Friday which implied I couldn't see my best friends that day but the day after only, for the last time before I had to get the plane back.
6. I gave you the plain and frank excuse that I did not have the time to see you AGAIN anymore, and hoped (but knew it was wasted) you would understand.
7. You slagged my sister off, one good reason (the "best" reason) to think "sod off", especially when you said it was fine she was coming along too. Make your mind up.
You really puzzle me. You didn't really think you had a priority before my family and best friends, did you?
Now who's the selfish c***? I shall be clear and straightforward, shall I? You really do my head in. I have many people to see who also have busy and exciting lives like yours, with whom it is sometimes difficult to organise something. Now if you want to be such an arsehole all your life, that's fine by me.
I also spent 2.5 years of my precious life justifying myself to you, I do not have one more minute to waste for someone who does not want to understand.
quote:_Mauro said:...A person can tell me "ok, we had plans together this we, but I just lost all motivation",and it will be fine. Turn that into excuse making and you get my instant special, single ticket to "blacklist county".
So your "friendship" is more higher priced than you friends? I have similiar view about making plans with my friends. Once upon a time I used to take it very seriously whenever anyone cancelled them. Is this the same? Now I hope the plans happen, but if they don't I have learned to deal with it, make secondary plans. I no longer hold my friend any lower for having plans broken. I no longer care to base my "friendship" on whether I do what I say or not. I care little for people who do.
But come hell or high water and ask me to do something for in a pinch or without forethought, and I'm the pne my friedns count on. No it's not to be abused but sooner than later you will find out who your friends truly are if you handle them in this way.
Maybe I missed your point, but having a blacklist already supposes that your friends differently, based solely on the uncontrollable nature of reality.
That's not a friend that's lonely person looking for a hug.
Or
Misery loves company.
mauro, i gave you this advice once, and I'll do it again: the asylum is a board for webdesigners (mostly). if you really expect some sort of advice YOU NEED, go to a forum which is specialized into psychology stuff etc.
i mean when i come to the asylum, i'm not really excited about your personality, life or friendship problems but more into something that really fits into this place. (this does NOT mean that i would not WANT to help you, but seriously...you have already posted things before where I was sure that it would be best just to shut up and don't say anything, simply because everything else would not have been fair criticism - it would have offended you in some way)
people here will mostly share their own experiences and will judge you from their point of view. we are no psychologists, so chances are pretty high that you will be offended. not that it's anyones intent, but this just happens....as you (i'm sure) have already noticed.
and honestly...if this is a problem between YOU and KIMSOM, then please PLEASE do yourself, kimson and us a favour and clear things outside of these walls.
if my girlfriend or ex girlfriend starts complaining about me on a public board...well....nothing to add.
so if i read your post and see an answer like blacknights one...hey i am not surprised. chance are pretty high that i would have written the same thing.
I think your question "How do you deal with situations of that kind?" is pretty much answered in DmS' post.
I was merely "signing off of emotional rants", notice I didn't mention kimson personally.
She took it personal.
On her own.
I merely posted that also as a "last and final personal rant" around here.
Silly? More than asking, I was stating/witnessing something new to me, which works for me - I HAVE my answer and had it before.
Notice this post is a month old or more? Notice I barely posted more than three sentences since then?
I am keeping the talk code oriented since this single solitary post.
@mas nobody forces you to read. And nobody allows blacknight, or you, to turn into vulgar cunts. At least not me.
But -I understand- and understood before. Just had to "sign".
Had to see, namely, if people like Kimson, or others, would take it personal, and react out of... being too sensitive over the issue? A test yeah.
@DMS you couldn't feed your children if your own well being, earning, situation, weren't the top priorities.
I didn't say one has to be his only priority, just said one has to be his TOP priority, as opposed to one living for the appreciation of others.
@Kimson, I didn't mention YOU, but you went on a rampage and turned it personal.
I don't want to sort this out, you're out on your own - and it's just perfectly fine, your single post above would be an excellent reason
to not consider you the shade of a friend. The underlying reason is that your simpathy is fake: you're around this place, obviously reading
a lot of what I post and throwing hissy fits and provocation from your first Asylum days - get over it.
All in all, I am not being "pompous" or "emotional" but realitsticaly noticing I am winning and reaching all of my personal goals
within a few weeks/months.
And I've "dumped" quite a bunch of people, namely those prone to pouring bullshit about themselves, my being an ex, and theyre sisters, out of the blue. Only to replace them with new fascinating acquaintances.
I've also been paying attention to how people can manipulate, and what they expect from me, in the same vein.
...all reasons why I've been making a lot less fuss since the above post, a loooot lesss. Just dhtml tips, a post about worms
and Holy Grenades, and a couple of other things.
Because I don't care anymore, and don't have the time to whine anymore, barely have the time to enjoy all
I get to do and discover.
<side note> this is the victory of a guy who strived like no one, and suddenly, all the pieces are getting together.
Top consultant for PM again, travelling a lot, I make acquaintances on a daily basis, am still studying BUT reviewing
an academic book about OpenGL already and preparing the sale of my diploma project... as an application for Philip Morris.
Somebody said millions ahead?
In addition, am moving to my dreamflat this month.
And all the rest... the intensive sports now, basically, all the things I dreamt to do and didn't for a lifetime. And more.
To quote "wego" or "dozen", "All the shade and shine of the sea... all were for me... in the kiss of the two worlds".
pardon me, i did not. the post was listed under "Quick Changes", so someone (Zynx i guess) had to bring it up again....
however, i think you got me wrong. certainly nobody forces me to read, nobody forces anyone to read. it's just that since you SHARE parts of your emotional life, your personality and your feelings.... the answers you will get will also most likely affect your personality etc. (so getting displeased and aggrieved is more or less predictable, isnt it?...at least you may reckon that)
btw, if this was somehow a test for people like kimson...why did you do this kind of thest here?
Basically, in the specific case of kimson, although she's not the "target" more than she wants to be here,
I am not eager to contacting her offline, but there's more to it.
Furthermore, unless someone wants to expand on the debate opened by DMS, (I guess it is obvious that) I don't see a need to continue this thread.
(and thanks - dude, the flat is dreamland itself, in the medieval zone of my town, the center, and beautiful)
=================================
Disclaimer - Following Mauro's offline demand
=================================
My apologies to Mauro for "the pile of shit" I wrote above, for turning your indirect telling off into a direct one, and for writing content which could/might alter your public image.
My apologies to all for failing to play it cleverly, turning this thread into yet another tasteless, idiotic one and for provoking another tantrum. This should have been discussed off board from the beginning.
Apart from that, I wish you good luck for all the nice plans coming up for you. I mean it. Having said that, you are right to put yourself on top of the list, especially in times like these when you rise and shine. But don't forget that people cannot always put you on top of their list.
AAAAAaaaaaaaaaah... but that's ok.
Cool.
Peacepipe all the way.
And maybe my chance to put some positivity in this thread and make it useful.
But as I don't want to unveil more private stuff, I think I'll keep a detailed explanation for offline exchange.
Characteristics of a misunderstanding: you do not know why you pissed me off so bad.
But it has always been the case in similar occurences.
Let's try to frame it differently altogether.
I am not blaming YOU for failing at meeting a promise.
That is something that many women do often times. Many people even. I don't like it but I can live with that.
One thing I hate in life in general, one BIG thing I hate is excuse making, or justifications.
- you don't owe me a promise you won't hold :: just don't fucking promise shit.
- you don't owe me your time :: but respect mine and cancel early if you have to - don't leave it to me to call the day before
In other words, you don't owe me shit, and THAT'S THE POINT, excuse making tickles my instinct because it sounds like
acts are separate from words, sounds like two distinct lines of thinking are running side by side, and feels bad - even if there is no bad intention
underneath. It smells.
And I am not talking about "removing nasty people of my path", I don't judge you as nasty.
I judge you as nasty TO ME because you'll be making excuses a lot in a lot of circumstancies, especially when not required, and will
inevitably cause more disappointment - without even wanting it - which makes it feel even worse.
WETHER THERE IS A REASON TO BE DISAPPOINTED OR NOT, the excuse making itself just doesn't cut it.
Identical issue with your sister, from the start, twice worse in her case.
That's where it gets really personal...
All in all, the moral of the story is: a person doesn't have to be hatable to be a pain in the ass. Nowadays, I bail when the situation comes.
But I keep thinking and feeling excellent things for you, your intelligence, your dedication, your fun, your blue eyes, and talent. I appreciate the qualities.
Hell, I think you underrate those yourself - you're basically the only girl so far I'd have married.
I wish it could be sorted out easilly, I am far from being a perfect person, far from being easy, far from being a role model. But I am someone you can still talk to or call for help.
Just prefer not making you and I feel uncomfortable every now and then.
Peace, quiet, popcorn, and some rest... for everybody. If Mad Scis want to move the thread somewhere else, help yourselves.
OZONE Asylum
posted 08-11-2006 15:53
Someone pls pass the popcorns..
)