Topic awaiting preservation: Stupid jokes revisited.... (Page 1 of 1)

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Anyone else got any?

An obviously drunk man was pulled over and breathelized by vuloputuous blonde police officer with tight pants and dark sunnies. His reading was above the legal limit and just before she was about to cuff he she exclaimed 'anything you say now will be held against you-' and the man yelled 'TITS!'

Son, there are 3 kinds of people in the world, Those who can count, and those who cannot.

what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? roberto

what do you call a mexican with no car? carlos

why are black people so tall? cause their knee grows

how do chinese people name ther kids? they drop some pans down a flight of stairs. ching, chong chang

what do you call cheese thats not yours? nacho cheese


Bill and Tim are carpenters. one day Tim sticks his hand too far into a saw and cuts off his thumb. so Bill puts his thumb in a plastic bag and rushes him to the hospital. a few hours later Bill goes to check up on Tim. his thumb was all reattcahced and functioning. "ahhh. the wonders of science" Bill proclaims

The next day Tim leaned in too close to the saw and cut off his arm. so Bill putsit in a plastic bag and rushes him to the hospital. a few hours later he goes to check up on Tim. his arm is all reattached and functioning. "ahhh. the wonders of science" Bill proclaims

The next day Tim leans in even more and cuts off his head. so Bill puts it in a plastic bag and rushes him to the hospital. a few hours later Bill goes to check up on Tim. "I'm sorry, weve lost him" said the doctors. "what?!?" "well, we might have been able to save him, but some moron put his head in a plastic bag and suffocated him"


Did you hear the one about the teacher who got arresteded trying to board a plane carrying a calculator, a protractor, and compass? he got charged with possesing weapons of math instruction

quote:

---

Son, there are 3 kinds of people in the world, Those who can count, and those who cannot.

---

Similar:
"There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who know binary, and those who don't."

I have mentioned these before but hey ho:

A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing clingfilm underpants and the psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts".

[Note: This might be OK for UK inmates but it doesn't seem to travel well - I think we did come up with some laternatives - clingfilm is a thin, clear plastic sheet which clings to itself due to static or something]

And this one cracks my best mate up everytime:

Q: Whats brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

___________________
Emps

FAQs: Emperor

In the US it's Saran Wrap underpants



.:[ Never resist a perfect moment ]:.

Headline jokes:
A checkout operater in a supermarket was talking to her friend.
Checkout girl - "you know, I hate that woman who works on till 6, I'd gladly pay someone to murder her"
friend - "my friend Archie would do it for you for a pound"
Checkout girl - "really? ok, tell him I'll give him a pound to kill her"
The next day, Archie comes into the store, goes to till 6 and strangles the woman. then the supervisor comes over to find out what's going on so Archie strangles her too.
The headline in the paper the next day was:
Archie chokes two for a pound at supermarket.


A man escapes from a mental hospital and hides in the kitchen of a restaurant. there he sees a woman washing dishes so he grabs her and sexually assults her then runs out the back door.
The headline in the paper the next day was:
nut screws washer and bolts


~We're not here for long, we're here for fun~

[This message has been edited by Morph (edited 07-14-2003).]

Little 5 yr old mafia kid ... on his knees at the desk in front of an elaborate crib ... writing his Xmas letter to Mother Mary so he gets his Xmas presents ...

1st attempt ... He takes out Baby Jesus and Mother Mary from the crib, kisses Jesus, puts him back in the crib, kisses Mary, puts her back in the crib and writes ... "Dear mother Mary - If I promise to be a good little boy for a whole year, please talk to my dad and get me a bike for Xmas .. Signed, Luigi" ... Then he thinks .. a whole year?? Shit ... I won't be good for a whole year .. never mind ... I'll try again ...

2nd Attempt ... He takes out Baby Jesus and Mother Mary from the crib, kisses Jesus, puts him back in the crib, kisses Mary, puts her back in the crib and writes ... "Dear mother Mary - If I promise to be a good little boy for a whole month, please talk to my dad and get me a bike for Xmas .. Signed, Luigi" ... Then he thinks .. a month ?? Will I be good for a month ?? .. hmmm ... try again .. this time like Uncle Giorgio taught me ...

3rd Attempt ... He takes out Baby Jesus from the crib, kisses him, drops him in the desk drawer, locks it, closes the doors to the crib and writes ...

"Dear Mother Mary .. if ya ever wanna see your baby again ...................


Bug-free software only exisits in two places
A programmer's mind and a salesman's lips

Those tv Evangelists are easily the most religious in the world ... lets take the collection as an example ...

An Anglican priest takes the collection, splits it into 2 and uses half for expenses and spends half on the church to the glorification of God.

A Catholic priest uses the whole collection for the church and the glorification of God ...


The TV Evangelists truly believe in the omnipotence of God, and wouldn't dream of trying to imagine how God would like them to spend his money for Him .. so after the service they throw all the money up to heaven as hard as they can ... and what God wants ... he takes ... and what comes back down ...


Bug-free software only exisits in two places
A programmer's mind and a salesman's lips

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little
Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing
her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this
several times. One day, he came home from school and
heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he
saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his
room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed,
started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a
bike! I need a bike!"

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
The hypnotist began chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the hall.

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour Jimmy Smith! He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thankyou very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI descends on Jimmy's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Jimmy and leave.
The phone rings at Jimmy's house.
"Hey Jimmy. Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, buddy!"

When he was 14, he hoped that one day he would have a girlfriend.
When he was 16, he got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So he decided he needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
When he was 20, he dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency to her, and she threatened suicide. So he decided he needed a girl with stability.
When he was 25 he found a very stable girl but she was boring, predictable and never got excited about anything. So he decided to find a girl with some excitement.
When he was 28, he found an exciting girl, but he couldn't keep up with her, she did mad impetuous things and made him miserable because she was directionless. So he decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When he was 31, he found a smart ambitious girl, who was so ambitious she divorced him and took everything he owned.
He is now 40 and looking for a girl with very big tits.

Eustace, from the posh side of town, turned up to school one day wearing a brand new watch ... when his ruffty tuffty pall Johhny asked where he got it, he expalined that he'd walked into his sister's room to ask for a glass of water, and there was his sister, rolling around naked with her boyfriend and groaning ... when she noticed Eustace, standing there, she was obviously flustered, and told Eustace he could have anything he wanted if he didn't tell mom and dad about what he'd seen .. and that's how he got his watch ...

Johhny, being a bit more streetwise than Eustace, realised what was going on, so for the next theee nights he sat with a glass to the bedroom wall adjoining his sister's room ... listening. His prayers were answered when, on the third night, he could hear the unmistakable rhythmic creakings of her old bed ... Quick as a flash he rushed into her room and stood there at the end of the bed ... She looked at him over her boyfriend's shoulder and said "Whaat do YOU want" to which Johnny replied "I wanna watch" ...

"OK" said his sister ... "Sit down over there and shut up!"


Bug-free software only exisits in two places
A programmer's mind and a salesman's lips

[This message has been edited by trib (edited 07-14-2003).]

Where does a general keep his armies?
In his sleevies!

What's green, slimy and flies over Germany?
Snazis! (got to say it like snot-zees)





.:[ Never resist a perfect moment ]:.

Did you hear about that new pirate movie?


It's rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

What kind of dinosaur reads a book?
- There is no such dinosaur.

Why did the dog fall from the sky?
- This could never happen.

^Yup, those definitely qualify as stupid jokes...

quote:

---

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who know binary, and those who don't."

---

And for another version of this one check my sig:

_________________________
"There are 10 kinds of people; those who know binary, those who don't and those who start counting at zero"

A couple is out on their first date.
At dinner the guy says:
- I like you very much, so I have to warn you about something. I'm a golf fanatic! I always think of golf, I even dream of golf.
- That's ok, the girl says. Since we're being open and earnest I have to confess that I'm a hooker.

The guy sits quietly for a second and then replies:
- That's probably because you don't use your wrists enough.


And for a few short ones:

-Do you race cars?
-Yes!
-So, you're a racist then?


What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A Baboom!!

quote--"What kind of dinosaur reads a book?"
- a thesaurus?

quote--"Why did the dog fall from the sky?"
- he didn't fall-he jumped

knock knock.
-who is it?
Dave
-Dave's not here.