Topic awaiting preservation: Just some Strange thoughts... (Page 1 of 1)

From one of my famous emails...

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals."
* Death to all fanatics!
* Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo.
* Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
And finally....
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you


The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH''

Wolfen's Sig Site

Some favorite Bumper Snickers. Oldies, but goodies.

1. Constipated People Don't Give A. Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt,
Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek
Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. (Deleted for obscenity reasons)
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
23. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off.
28. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit .
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen upside down on a Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge.
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, then Why Does My Mailman look like
Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics.
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
46. Boldly Going Nowhere.
47. Cat: The Other White Meat.
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That.
50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is
lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them.
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Got this in the mail today. Thought it was funny. *Some adult language*



[This message has been edited by docilebob (edited 07-23-2003).]

I saw some bumper sticker stickers once that were little screws in asst sizes for you to place over hearts on other people's vehicles. Makes possible such great stickers as "I Screw My Chihuahua" etc etc. Anyone seen those lately? Maybe that's why I don't see too many "I heart" stickers anymore

Jason

I am not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

I saw yesterday an "I (heart) Explosives" sticker... funny as hell...

[This message has been edited by Petskull (edited 07-26-2003).]

Some unthinkable stickers...
I (club) baby seals.
I (spade) my husband or dog.

Bumper sticker the other day:
"Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

4. A backward poet writes inverse. 

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat >minor. 

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart. 

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 

17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine & 'taint  enough of it!! 

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 

22. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 

23. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 

24. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 

25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 

26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 

27. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 

28. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

That last group was hilarious.
The 'Fruit Flies like a banana' reminded me of a bunch of Groucho Marx quotes...

1. Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
2. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
3. Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
4. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
5. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
6. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
7. Women should be obscene and not heard.
8. Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
9. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
10. I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
11. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
12. Room service? Send up a larger room.
13. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
14. A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
15. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
16. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
17. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
18. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
19. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
20. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
21. Those are my principles. If you don't like them... Well, I have others.
22. Time Flies like an arrow. Fruit Flies like a banana.
23. Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
24. Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
25. Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
26. You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
27. Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
28. It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

The saying "It's what's inside that counts." is complete rubbish. Who cares if you have an adorable pancreas?

He who laughs last is the slowest thinker.

Don't drink and drive - accidents cause people.

Life is a glitch in the universal programme; death is just the programmer's way of debugging.

Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.

If you can't do something well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Sex is like air: It's only important when you don't have any.

Virginity is like a bubble: One prick, all gone.

There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.

Some mistakes are too fun to make only once.

A bird in the hand is dead.

Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.

If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.

All things being equal, all things are never equal.

When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

They say an elephant never forgets, but what's he got to remember?