Topic awaiting preservation: How to go to heaven "GUARANTEED" (Page 1 of 2)

I was reading Maxim...and found this..its pretty funny, so I decided to share with you

quote:

---

No one really knows which religeon god likes best.* So cover your bases and try'em all

• Hey, I am Christian!
  
  Party on, because you can do whaever the hell you want as long as you "repent" and accept Jesus as your savior at some point before your execution. Says Ephesians 2:8-9,
  
  "For its by grace you have been saved, through faith....not by work, so that no one can boast." Want some insurance? Get baptize, spread the Good Word-No we dont mean bukkake-and for some extra brownie point, performe the holy sacraments. Oh we guess you did better abstain from sex till you get married. D'oh!
• Hey, I am Muslim!
  
  The good news:In heaven you will hang out with 72 virgins-and we dont mean your local D&D club. The bad news: Shari'ah, the way of life prescribed by Islam stresses both physical and spirtual cleanliness, so you are supposed to pray five times a day, lay off booze and pork, fast during Ramadan, and pack up Family Truckster for one roadtrip to Mecca. It also outlaws suicide and killing innocents-so there are now some very surprised terrorists with hot pitchforks lodged in their colons.
• Hey, I am Hindu!
  
  To reach a state known as eternal enlightenment known as nirvana, you dont blow off your head with a shotgun; (you live several lifes both human and animal) till you get it right. The law of karma states that quality of your rebirth hinges on moral quality of the life you just have led. The guiding principles are dharma (rightteousness, which we are bad at), artha (economic success, which we are really bad at), and kama (pleasure, our forte). Oh, and quit with the cow tipping-they'er sacred animals.
• Oy, I am Jew!
  
  Since Jew believe the nature of heaven is unknowable for those of us on earth, they focus on mitzvot, or good work, which governs from taboo sexual acts to proper buisness practice. Your enjoynment of heaven is directly related to how well you fallow this tenets. "Judaism is a way of life," says Gary Rendsburg, professor of Jewish studies at Cornell University. If you are jerk, you could be send to neither world called Gehinnom.
  
  Translation: "eternal Streisand concrert"

---

Hey congratulations, you attempted, and possibly outrightly, offended no less than 4 groups with that, most people settle for 1. You're a real over achiever.

If you dunno what bukkake is, don't Google it.

Jason

Opps too late I found it

[edit by slime: the link was hardly necessary.]

[This message has been edited by Slime (edited 01-31-2003).]

Wow... they missed the pont so far that its almost funny...

                                   

My apology Slime

Eternal Streisand concrert, Nooooooooooo!

Hum, maybe I am a Hindu.

Cell 816~ teamEarth ~Asylum Quotes

Can this thread be saved? Now there is a theological question I need an answer to. Oh boy.

*sprinkles holy water on thread*

so which one ya gonna pick? hehe...

is there something common for oall religions so you are going to heaven garanteed?

No, there isn't.

No?...

Every religion I know of serves as the *law* to a certain degree, with its deities being the supreme judges (or rigid rules/laws concerning the afterlife/re-birth). So if religion is a form of *law* you could say that in general, ?being a good person? or being mindful and adhering to these *laws* (most of which are about being a good/kind/loving person) would be a common goal.

And others to the list:

Bow before me, I am Satanist!
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law because you had better get your fun in before you die as you are guaranteed a fast-track, one way ticket to eternal damnation when you shuffle off this mortal coil (unless you get your timing just right and repent before the end [see: Hey, I am Christian!] but you are going to be far too occupied with sacrificing virgins, slaughtering farm animals and invoking demons to keep your eye on the clock).


___________________
Emps

FAQs: Emperor

Bugs: Your wish:

quote:

---

Can this thread be saved? Now there is a theological question I need an answer to. Oh boy.

---

is my command:

:FAQ:

___________________
Emps

FAQs: Emperor

Good idea!

Drac, actually Christianity is the only major religion mentioned above that says salvation is *not* dependent on your good works.

that's the one thing i don't follow about satanism...if you believe in satan then you've obviously got to believe in God and i would think at least a large part of the bible (end result: you lose). talk about a dead-end religion, picking one you actually know comes out on the short end in the end...

chris


KAIROSinteractive

I always figured the satanists who actually believed in his enemy, God, bought into the idea that God wasn't nearly as strong as He claimed and their guy would win in the end. I've never known any real satanists. I have come across a few that believed in "do what you will" types but none of them believed in the Bible.

I've never known any really Satanists either (I have met some people who believed in Santa which is close) but I have always wanted to ask them what it feels like having actually your religion defined by another and that their 'God' is actually the fallen angel of a much more powerful God (if you follow those kind of things ).

___________________
Emps

FAQs: Emperor

All that crap about intentionally living a bad life all the way to the death bed and then repenting doesn't really happen. People die as they live, it is just the way we do it. Death bed conversions are extremely rare.

So what role do good works play in the Xian religion? As Xians, we are justified before God by our faith in His sacrifice for us. Abraham was justified through faith and that is the way it works. But does that mean we can just sin and sin and sin? You have got to be joking if you really think that. Could the God of the Universe really be that daft? (DL don't answer that!) Seriously, James cleared that up quite nicely when he stated that faith without works is dead. So works are the evidence of our faith, you cannot have faith without works to show for it but it is the faith that determines our salvation.

[This message has been edited by Bugimus (edited 02-01-2003).]

Emperor : You have reveled the presence of our secret cult, which we had hoped would remain hidden from all non-believers. Yes, that's right, I'm a Santa-ist.

Once a year we are required to sacrifice cookies and milk to the great Santa. This offering is usually left beside a fireplace. We also must send secret letters to the North Pole, as part of the ancient ritual to summon flying reindeer.

The great Santa knows all, and sees all. There is no hiding from Santa. He rewards his well behaved followers generously. But woe to those who are naughty, for they will incur the wrath of Santa, and will have to endure the humiliation of coal in their stockings .

Oh you better watch out, you better not cry, you better be good......

/* Sure, go ahead and code in your fancy IDE. Just remember: it's all fun and games until someone puts an $i out */

I've noticed a recurring trend in the Asylum's religious debates...
On the left, we have the Theists, on the Right, the aTheists... where does that leave we Agnostics?

I dunno about anyone else, but I'm way too self obsessed to have my way of life mapped out for me by someone who is reading from a book which barely resembles the original text.

I don't dispute that there may be a God (of some description), but I sure as hell don't care for this practice of spending an entire lifetime dedicating ones-self to 'his' worship. Damn, I can think of a million things I'd rather do on a Sunday!

The common goal seems to be that of being nice to each other, so why do so many religions go out of their way to antagonise each other? Even so called 'Christian' groups are in constant conflict with each other (Roman Catholics / Baptists / Methodists / MyChurchIsBetterThanYoursIsts).

I just can't keep up!

Besides... I thought heaven was a place on earth?

___________________________
Money is the game other people play, that I try to avoid by having just enough not to play it.
-Norman Mailer
[Dufty][Cell 698]

Dufty, from those comments it is quite clear you are new You're throwing out some pretty huge generalizations each of which we have dealt with before here. If you've got the time, we've got the patience to deal with each of them reasonably and respectfully. You may want to browse the archives a bit and get a better feel for some of our exchanges and I hope you will find we've had some very helpful ones and some surprisingly free from flame wars

Actually, the Agnostic postion was covered...many times, I believe...

I think the Satanists believe that the Bible is a lie...that they will win...or somesuch. I have never known any, so I cannot say for certain...not my type of people, really. I have known people that have known Satanists, and have 'toyed' with the idea...but I think the Satanists have tight circles...and don't discuss much outside of them...I do know that they have 'initiation' rites, for new members...what they are, and in what form they take, I do not.

I recall several debates regarding the nature of faith, but never felt the Agnostic issue was fully covered in formal debate and whilst you are correct in that discussion has arrisen, I don't recall sieng a three-way debate (possibly down to my legnth of time served).

I do, however, recall a thread independantly tackling the nature of Agnisticism.

As for flame free topics, it's been a real pleasure to observe some of the debates in the past, mainly due to the well ordered nature, and corresponding peanut galleries.

<edit - uglysig >
___________________________
Money is the game other people play, that I try to avoid by having just enough not to play it.
-Norman Mailer
[Dufty][Cell 698]

[This message has been edited by Dufty (edited 02-02-2003).]

Dufty, I just *have* to ask whether "kipple-land" is a knod to Philip K. Dick?

And as far as I'm concerned by all means agnosticize away! Let's hear it.

Indeed it is bugs... a 'mercerism'

As for a 'full-cream' Agnisticismm discussion... I'd like some time to formalise an argument if that's cool, rather than running blind. Also, to remind myself of provious discussions on the subject.

Maybe in another thread? (This one started as a humorous slant after all)

___________________________
Money is the game other people play, that I try to avoid by having just enough not to play it.
-Norman Mailer
[Dufty][Cell 698]

That would be awesome.

Whooohooo I score!!! finaly I did something good and useful for Asylum.....


Ok...umm, Bugs I got a question for you:
Do you think that you are gonna go to heaven?........well you see the point I am trying to make...you think you are faithful through Bible and you are right...but there are alot of people like you in other religeons...such as Jews who think they are right through Qaddash or something like that...or Muslim through Quaran....or Hindu....I bet people from other religeons look at christians the same way christians look at them...."they are wrong they are gonna be tempted...[maniacal laugh] Muahahah [/maniacal laugh]...you see..I believe you are not thinking that way .....can you explain me that please

Ruski, believe it or not, I am still going to answer you in that other thread. But to cut to the chase. I believe that the *only* way to heaven is through Christ. Without Him there is no hope of eternal life. Personally, I believe this even includes those who never had a chance to know Him. As I will outline in my longer answer, not all Xians believe those who never hear are doomed. But I have verses that back up my position.

Your church, does not necessarily teach what I just told you and I would be remiss if didn't emphasize that neither I nor anyone else on earth make the decision as to who makes it. Therefore I do my best to tell people what I believe God wants from us and leave the judging to Him.

ok..its because you read bible..have you tried reading jewish quaddash? well ?
I think you didnt....people need to study all the religeons before picking one.....in my sense from what I have heard Jewish faith is most understanding, becouse they believe that its unknown for them whats afterlife... "but it doesnt mean I am gonna be one "
and they focus on daily living...
you see my point is not all people can believe and have faith like you. Just like not all poeple can draw...not all people can do math very good...not all people can swim....not all poeple can lift 300 lb....you for exemple can have a faith in something you dont see...and alot of other things but not everybody can....so please......only through christ?
I dont think so...... sorry....I just really care for all the people and my friends....and I believe everyone deserves little peace of heaven if there is heaven....

Have I read the Jewish scriptures? Of course I have. I am familiar with the teachings and tenants of all the biggies.

*Anyone* can get to heaven. I disagree only the select few are capable. I would find a religion that was so exclusionary nothing short of a celestial Third Reich. The New Testament is very clear about God's grace being extended to whoever believes. I believe God desires that *all* humans be saved so that *none* should be lost.

I also love my fellow humans and that is why much of my time and money is dedicated to reaching them with the great news that we are not doomed and we do have hope of something greater.

[This message has been edited by Bugimus (edited 02-02-2003).]

A book of prose.

Poetry written for the ages, and the aged.

Literal translations of the feeling of a supreme being.

Canonization is a nice thing, if the singularity really exists. But is it a symbol, or a sygil? Dig the ground on that one?

Salvation might not be sold in the hand of the Man, but rather spread like a feeling without focus. Maybe...just maybe...the prophets...the soothsayers...the healers...the disciples...the apostles...

wrote of a symbolism.

Find "God" in yourself...and salvation is merely what you make of it. Practice the way...not the walk.

And remember, kids: The man who believes because it will pave his way to Nirvana...is no believer at all, but a good intentioned paver.

Bugs another question....do you think religeon is really importan in order to be saved?

I personally think its not.....why do people shall start worshiping things and not concentrating on their daily lifes?

quote:

---

The man who believes because it will pave his way to Nirvana...is no believer at all, but a good intentioned paver.

---

What a nice quote there...

Ruski I know you haven't been here long. But you shouldn't just assume that the people you're talking to haven't properly analyzed religion before they announced/denounced their faith. I mean, I'm atheist, and I didn't choose to be overnight. It was life experiences and study that got me there. And in the end I concluded that God doesn't exist. I'm not deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow... I was, but then I had what is called an independent thought. What if there isn't a god? Christianity will tell you that is the work of Satan on you, he is making you question your independence and to stray away from it. Chrisitanity doesn't let you think. Christianity makes you a tool, a blind drone that can be pursuaded easily in theology. People like bugs, jason, izzy, have had those independent thoughts. And they have done their research and they have had their life experiences and they have concluded that God exists. Their theology is justified. Ok?


_____________________
Prying open my third eye.

this doen't have anything to do with anything...so sorry for throwing this in here, but i just had to. i was wondering if it were just me....but...most of the time where i read something posted by darkgarden i always end up sitting here just staring at the screen...kinda blankly for a second while what i just read sinks in. then i re-read it several times because it is usually very profound. then i sit and stare blankly a lil while longer. for some reason this really amazes me. it's cool in a weird sorta way lol
i have no idea what i'm trying to say here...but just tellin ya what always happens. it's like my brain has been momentairly stunned or something....

anyways...this was in NO WAY ment as a slight...but definately as a compliment. ok....finish your discussion sorry for interrupting

sorry about that but I didnt mean to be rude..I actually wasnt rude

Ok insider thanks I understand you....personally I think I will stay away from religeons...but I will keep studing them all of them, as much as I can.....and insider umm...whats with your religeon? I never heard of it.....how does it works?...


by the way yeah its true what you say...they do that to me in school...those yanks...they are trying to make me that way...yup..."satan !! you gonna rot in hell if you dont do it!!"

sad but true

DG has a gift, Lacuna, he has a gift.

I believe many of us here have agreed that being completely honest with others about why and who we are is the best way to help others in their quests for understanding. I have very strong and sometimes very unpleasant views on things but I hold them because I firmly believe them to be true and to say otherwise would be a gross mistake.

quote:

---

do you think religeon is really importan in order to be saved? I personally think its not.....why do people shall start worshiping things and not concentrating on their daily lifes?

---

Ruski, I believe "religion" if it becomes a goal in and of itself is the quickest way to hell. The "religion" I embrace can be summed up in the following:

The Greatest Commandment Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question:
"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." --Matthew 22:34-40

Living Sacrifices Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. --Romans 12:1-2

You will not find me looking for God and salvation in any ritual that man has dreamed up. I would like to think that it is much closer to what DarkGarden has said in that all of the rituals and seeking for the truth really point to one unifying theme. He and I disagree as to the exact nature of the theme but the concept holds.

Ruski, Christ promised that he who seeks *will* find. I believe that very strongly and that is why you should honestly seek the truth and don't give up. If it leads you to atheism (well that would suck ) or if it leads you to Xianity ( sweet! ) it is YOUR responsibility and YOUR choice. Don't let anyone disuade you from knowing that.

*kneels to bugs...get ups, grabs all books, runs to the basement*



[This message has been edited by Ruski (edited 02-02-2003).]

Ok so far from what I have found is this.....

Hmm....Atheism doesnt really suits me...but there is something I like from it:

• There is more to moral behavior than mindlessly following rules.
• Be especially sceptical of positive claims.
• If you want your life to have some sort of meaning, it's up to you to find it.
• Search for what is true, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
• Make the most of your life, as it's probably the only one you'll have.
• It's no good relying on some external power to change you; you must change yourself.
• Just because something's popular doesn't mean it's good.
• If you must assume something, assume something easy to test.<--- I actually dont like this one
• Don't believe things just because you want them to be true. <---and this one neither
• All beliefs should be open to question.

now I was trying to research Xianism..but kinda dont get it, ok I know thet dont believe that christ is the only way to salvation....so what do they believe in then please help me here......

here is a huge link about Atheism


and this cool link shows all the popular religeons and explains them...[recomanded for everyone to see]





[This message has been edited by Ruski (edited 02-02-2003).]