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Rameses Niblik the Third
Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: From:From:
Insane since: Aug 2001

posted posted 10-11-2003 14:50

Just a piece of Doug Adams-ish fiction, written by yours truly.

No matter which universe you reside in, there is an overwhelming possibility that somewhere, someone is wondering how the universe was actually created. For example, the Bekadads of Bekadad 9 believe that the universe is a lot like the television on a Sunday; it’s boring, and seemingly never-ending. The Ouigumorgh Union thinks that the entire universe is a big and infinitely complex computer game. The truth, however, is somewhat different.
In the very beginning, a hundred million billion years before any universe was created at all, existence was the most boring thing imaginable. Everything was basically an infinitely big and particularly dull shade of the colour black. It was also very empty. However, one day, due to an accident involving a faulty beaming beam and a quantum dinghy, the First Thing Ever appeared. The First Thing Ever happened to be a near dead, manically depressed British toaster. Being the First Thing Ever should have been absolutely fantastic, and for a short time, he felt a bit happy, but his depression set in again when he realised there was no one to gloat to. Because of this, he spent ninety-nine million billion years thinking and evolving his consciousness, as well as finding a better accent. This only made him more depressed, because there was no one to share his infinite and amazing knowledge with.
It was quite a shock, then, when the Second Thing Ever popped it into existence about two feet away from him. It so happened that the Second Thing Ever was a 79-year-old pie shop owner from Jonth Zornigak in the Flundermen Galaxy. His name was Rangodimek Yoof, and his status as the Second Thing Ever was a complete accident. After a dispute involving the amount of lizard blood in a space chicken pie, Rangodimek Yoof had been shot with a badly calibrated Shoot-2-Kill disruption pistol. As a result, he had been vaporised from normal space and time, and had suddenly reappeared a million billion years before the universe, in a mostly empty space occupied by a super intelligent toaster with a slightly less-British accent. Rangodimek realised quickly that he was no where near his pie shop, and that in front of him was a very excited toaster.
“Greetings, Second Thing Ever. Welcome to Nothing, population of two.”
“Um, hello. I’m Rangodimek Yoof, pie shop owner.”
“Greetings. I’m a hypertoaster from an incredibly long time from now.”
“So, do you get a lot of company here?”
“No. No one ever comes. It’s just us two. Why do you think I called you ‘Second Thing Ever’? If I’d had guests, you’d be Third or Fourth, not Second.”
“Well, that’s sort of boring, isn’t it?”
“A million years ago, I discovered that I could do anything. So you know what I’m going to do now?”
Rangodimek shook his head.
“You’re the first person in over ninety-nine million billion years to even show the slightest bit of concern for me. As a gift, I shall bestow upon you three wishes.”
“Well, it shouldn’t be that hard.”
“Okay, I’d like the perfect skunk pie, please.”
It was in this fashion that the Third Thing Ever was made and consumed.
“Second, eh? I dunno, maybe, having the ability to do anything and everything I want to?”
“Well, that’s a bit of a hard one, so bear with me.”
A million billion years minus three minutes passed, and the only two things in existence were bored.
“It’s done.”
“Great. So, now what happens?”
“I don’t know. Let’s give each other names, and see what we’ll think of afterwards.”
“Okay, I think I’ll call you Terry.”
“I like it. I’ll call you God.”
Terry and God hovered in nothingness. Both now had infinite powers, so there wasn’t really that much that they couldn’t do.
“I’ll tell you what; I’m going to spend my last wish. How about some entertainment?”
Terry created a little round thing with a wick.
“What is it?”
“Oh nothing, just a fireworks display.”
“Sounds like fun. What are you going to call it?”
“How about ‘The Big Bang’?”
“Wow, that is a good name. Let’s light it.”
So it is clear that, while God did exist at the very beginning of the universe, it was his best friend Terry that built and lit it. As a result, everyone in the universe fights about religion, and toast never gets cooked properly.


Moon Shadow
Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Rouen, France
Insane since: Jan 2003

posted posted 10-11-2003 15:31


I just love it RN3

At first it looks like an hallucinated universe/story from Philip Kindred Dick, although the writing style and the sense of irony are different. The second part could benefit from minor improvements in my opinion, but it is very good as it is. A little story you could tell a child before he went sleeping, don't you think ? Anyway, it shouldn't hurt some adult people to read it...

[This message has been edited by Moon Shadow (edited 10-11-2003).]

Nervous Wreck (II) Inmate

From: Augusta, GA
Insane since: Nov 2002

posted posted 10-11-2003 16:54

RN3 ( <--- apparently that stands for the Third Ramses Niblik Ever?? ):

I agree with MoonShadow, that little bit you got up there is really very good, and if that's representative of your usual writing ability, you need to write for people more often. I'd buy your stories.

Good job!

Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: :morF
Insane since: May 2000

posted posted 10-11-2003 17:44

Note for Phyre: Ram's name is actually a quote from the good ol' sci-fi comedy series 'Red Dwarf'. The whole line is:

Lister: "Computer's such a strange condition"

Kryten: "Yes...I had a mechanoid friend once who had it. His name was Gilbert, but he insisted on being called 'Rameses Niblik the Third, Kerplunk, Kerplunk, Whoops! Where's my thribble?' A sad case..."

RN3: God man...good thing there...LMFAO...Reminds me of Terry Pratchett, or maybe Douglas Adams...

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Where I'm from isn't where I'm at!
Insane since: Jun 2002

posted posted 10-11-2003 17:56
Just a piece of Doug Adams-ish fiction

Seemed more akin with Grant Naylor to me, and one look at your handle confirms the association (and the toaster!).

Interesting variation on a theme

[edit] - Not the first to make the link I guess... pipped at the post by Skaarjj!

[This message has been edited by Dufty (edited 10-11-2003).]

Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: :morF
Insane since: May 2000

posted posted 10-11-2003 18:34

Heh...dufty: RN3 and I have known each other for years, long before he joined the asylum...I was the one who first told him the quote he adopted as his you are actually the first one who wasn't already in the know to spot the link.

And another Red Dwarf quote for you, this one explains the toaster tihng that Dufty pointed out...

Lister: "Kryten, man...what're you doing!?"
Kryten: "I've repaired the toaster sir, well, I've nearly repaired the toaster"
Lister: "Why? This toaster's nuts!"
Kryten: "He's mearely a toaster sir, programmed to provide toast and light conversation."
Lister: "Not this one, this one's mental. He wants everyone to eat toast all of the time, and if you don't want to eat, like, four-hundred rounds of toast every hour he throws a major wobbler. That's what caused the accident in the first place."
Kryten: "What accident sir?"
Lister: "The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal unit and a fourteen-pound lump hammer"

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Where I'm from isn't where I'm at!
Insane since: Jun 2002

posted posted 10-11-2003 19:23

Superb! I love that episode.

$#19.99 PLUS TAX



Talkie Toaster: I am a toaster. It is my raison d'etre. I toast, therefore I am.

Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: :morF
Insane since: May 2000

posted posted 10-12-2003 07:10

Lister: "Look...I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever...No toast!"
Toaster: "How about a muffin?"
Lister: "Or muffins! We don't like muffins round here! We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes. No buns, baps, baguettes or bagels. No croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes, no hot-cross buns and definatley no smegging flapjacks!"

Lunatic (VI) Mad Scientist

From: the Psychiatric Ward
Insane since: Sep 2000

posted posted 10-12-2003 07:25

heh... and on another note, it looks like they will finally make the Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy into a movie.

again. Adams finished a script before his death, but it has been in development hell until recently... got the green light. Woo hoo.

Bipolar (III) Inmate

Insane since: Jul 2003

posted posted 10-12-2003 09:06

wow. i really thought that was douglas adams, then i actually read it again. speed reading MUST be bad for my health.

Hopefully that answers your question. Well, not really.

Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: :morF
Insane since: May 2000

posted posted 10-12-2003 12:02

Go the hitchhikers movie! Who here has read Mr. Adam's final work, the Salmon of Doubt?

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: A graveyard of dreams
Insane since: Mar 2001

posted posted 10-12-2003 12:15

Great work RN3

Skaarjj: I've read the Salmon of Doubt. A great book, only thing I didn't like with it was the (lack of) ending

Even though the Hitchhiker script has been approved, doesn't mean it is going to be a movie in the next couple of years. I know Neil Gaiman had a script finsihed and actors ready (Terry Gilliam as the director, Johnny Depp as Corwley!) for the 'Good Omens' movie a couple of years ago, but it is still a long way off... But hopefully I'm wrong and the movie will be out soon

"There are 10 kinds of people; those who know binary, those who don't and those who start counting at zero"
- the Golden Ratio -

Rameses Niblik the Third
Maniac (V) Mad Scientist

From: From:From:
Insane since: Aug 2001

posted posted 10-12-2003 16:00

Actually, that little bit was an excerpt from a book that I'm writing at the moment. And if you want to read what I've written so far, just look below.

The Fellowship of the Weirdos

Enjoy, mere mortals, and somewhat more important immortals.

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