Preserved Topic: OK I am bored...=( (Page 1 of 1)

anyone knows any good jokes???

'A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small.
''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror.
Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed. '' I know how to make them larger,'' he says.
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answered.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''It worked for your ass, didn't it?'''


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

hahaha!! a good one .. sorry can't think of any good jokes right now !

mr.maX

LOL!!!! hahahaha

A guy walks into a bar. He randomly pulls out this frog and a small piano. The bartender sees it, and he says, "what's all this?" The guy says, "just watch," and all of a sudden the frog starts playing the little piano.

The bartender's like, "wow! that's amazing!" But the man says, "oh, that's not all though," and takes out a rat, and puts it down next to the piano. The rat starts singing along with the song that the frog is playing. Amazed, the bartender asks, "can I buy your act? I'm willing to pay anything for that, how about $100,000?"

The man says, "well, I don't know... I'm not sure I want to sell this..." so the bartender says, "well, how about just half of it then? I'll buy the rat for $50,000." The guy agrees, and the bartender walks away with the rat.

Someone sitting nearby says to the guy, "man! you had a great act there! why'd you sell the rat?"

"the frog's a ventriliquist."

ROFL

mr.maX

HaHa !!!! err.. what's a ventriliquist ????
LOL!

someone who can speak seemingly without their mouth moving.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"



All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

if you have one big green ball in one hand, and another big green ball in the other hand.......... what have you got?


...........complete control over the Jolly Green Giant!

************************************************
what's green?.. got four legs and if it fell out of a tree on you would kill you? ...... a pool table!
************************************************

errrrr...why do elephants paint their toenails red?
.... so they can hide in cherry trees....
How do you know it works?
have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?.. aha... !
~Vp~

Got this from a friend a while ago... Here goes...


A panda in Hong Kong walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He
eats it, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead, then gets off his
stool.

As he starts to leave, the bartender shouts, "Hey! You just shot my waiter
and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back over his shoulder. "Hey, man, I'm a panda! Look it
up!"

So the bartender opens his dictionary and reads the definition: "Panda: a
large mammal of Asian origin, distinguished by prominent black and white
colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.



--jto

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she
was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike,
an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it
was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he
wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a
solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So
he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the
gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be
interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to
kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that
may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with
the five hundred bucks."

An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said,"What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

What do attorneys use for birth control?
> Their personalities.


What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
> Say, "Nice Dick."

hehehehe

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet.

A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
----
LOL! when i'm drunk.. i am Superwoman

A frog named Ralph has been leasing a small, rundown lilly pad for several years now and decides that he wants to buy a lilly pad of his own. After all, the same money he is paying rent could easily be used to make payments on a new pad and he would be building equity at the same time.

Ralph talks to Bob Walker, a real estate agent, about buying a new place of his very own and they have a very good conversation about the different lilly pad models out there and the type that would best suit Ralph. Ralph isn't planning on getting married anytime soon, so he decides to create the ultimate bachelor pad. Bob suggests to Ralph that he needs to secure financing before they actually start to look around.

The next day Ralph enters his local bank, Briarcreek Savings and Loan, and asks to speak with a loan officer. He is quickly introduced to Patricia Wack and they sit down to discuss his loan. Ralph explains to her that he's wanting to move into his own pad.

Patricia asks, "What do you have for collateral?"

"What's collateral?" asks Ralph.

"Collateral is something valuable, a prized possession that the bank will own if you don't pay your loan on time," responds Patricia.

"Oh...." Ralph says. He thinks hard for a moment, gets up and leaves the bank, and quickly returns with a small statuette of a person on horseback.

"What is that?" asks Patricia.

"This is my most prized possession," says Ralph, "It's the only thing I have in this world."

Still confused about what it actually was, Patricia asks to see the trinket, excuses herself from Ralph, and says that she has to talk to her manager. Upon entering her manager's office, Patricia explains that there is a frog outside who is trying to obtain a loan for a lilly pad, but all he had was this little statuette for collateral. She was a little worried about what to call it and whether or not it was worth anything to the bank.

So, the manager took the trinket and looked it over for a moment and then handed it back to Patricia. He looked her in the eye and then said, "It's a nick-nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

Three guys are sitting in a lobby waiting for their job interview. First guys walks in and immediately notices that the interviewed has no ears. He sits down on a chair and starts talking to the boss. "To have this job you have to see things fast and be very detail oriented so tell me... what do you see?" The guy without any hassitation says:" You have no ears!" Boss gets mad and throws the guy out of the office. Second guy walks in and its a same question."To have this job you need to be very detail oriented, so tell me... what do you see?".."You have no ears" guy replies. "Get out of my office. You just like a first guy! Get out!" and he throws his out. Thinking he is pretty much done, on the way to the elevator he comes up to a third guy and says:" LIsten man.. this man is crazy. Becareful what you say and just remember he has no ears!" Thinking all positive, third guy walks in, sitts down on a chair. The question comes up:" To have this job, you need to be very detail oriented. Tell me, what do you see?"

"YOu wear contact lenses"-prospect employee replies.

"That's very good"-says interviewer-"What made you say that?"

"Well.. you can't wear glasses because you don't have any ears!"-guy replies.

Common!! more jokes!!!!!!

I'll respond to the "dirty johnnie" joke by u-neek:

Dirty Johnnie walked into the bathroom right as his Mother was coming out of the shower.

Dirty Johnny says, "Mom!! What's that?" (pointing)

Mom, flustered, says:::

"Uhm, that's where the axe hit me!"

Johnny says::

"Ohh, gotcha right in the cunt, huh?"

Man , I LOVE dirty Johnny jokes.

LOL!

It's almost same as:

Little Johny walks in the bathroom when his grandma was getting out of shower. He asks:

"Hey Grandma, what's that?"

Grandma got all frustrated and said:" It's a mouse"

"When did it die?"-johny replies

ROFL
i like dirty jokes

Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

A: It was stuck to the chicken's butt.

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny.

What does blonds and tornados have in common?

They both come fast and wet and when they are done they take your house and a car

What's the difference between a smart pigmy and a female soccer player?

One of them is a cunning runt.