Preserved Topic: Memorial for my father - - - (Page 1 of 1)

I posted about my father's condition in the philosophy section a while ago looking for info to help my family. I don't know how many of you saw/read that but I'll recap a little bit.

My father has stuggled against Grade IV brain cancer since Easter of 2000. After a long arduous battle he has run out of options and is waiting to die. As his mental faculties continue to degrade the strain grows on my family, especially my mother. We're trying to find a way to... honor my father in some way or make a place for people to go to honor him. He's being cremated at his wish and he always despised graveyards and the... the darkness they implied. My mother has her hands full and I want to help her with some of this stuff. Relieve the littlest bit of stress, you know?

I've looked into naming a star for him and found that to be a hoax. I've also looked into getting a tree named for him at the Arboretum but that is very very costly. We're even checking into getting a park bench commemorated to him at a nature center near here.

I'm looking for anyone who has some ideas that would be monetarily feasible (not more than $500, the medical bills have ravaged my family) and... I don't even know what to say... appropriate, I guess. I haven't the presence anymore to be able to think of anything coherently enough to do anything about it. We're weeks away from the end and its dragging me down. A list of things that would work would be appreciated. I can look up information on them myself, I just can't... think anymore.

I do appreciate your ideas and help.

Thanx,
GrythusDraconis

GD - I'm terrible sorry to hear about this.

You could talk to your home town about planting and dedicating a try in honor of your father. Or you could even buy a try and have a plaque made and plant it in your backyard.

-Jestah
Cell 277

Sorry to hear. Perhap a little donation to a cancer research project. My brother die of brain cancer aswell. We created a fund through a local childrens hospital that allows anyone to donate in his name. Every year family and friend donate what we would spend on christmas gifts to the fund. It a very nice why of rembering someone and helping others.

jstuartj


[This message has been edited by jstuartj (edited 10-24-2002).]

GD: I'm sorry too.

I agree with jstuartj - we did a similar thing when my grandfather died of a rather obscure disease. You might also want to ask people to not send flowers to the funeral but donate the money to the fund.

___________________
Emps

FAQs: Emperor

Yeah. Those are good ideas all and a donation may be something we do as well.

What we're trying to do is make a place to go to that is like a grave, but not a grave. A place where people can go and step aside and remember my father that isn't in a graveyard. It's sort of hard to pray at a fund. LOL sorry. That just hit me as sort of funny.(I'm a little off - forgive me.)

Emp - That's how we're hoping to get the money to do... whatever we decide on doing... for my Dad.

I really can't tell how this sounds so... please just... understand.

GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

first of all, my most sincere condolences.

would you like the memorial to be a public or private one? I think this also depends on who you feel would be wanting to 'visit' the place set aside for your father's rememberance.
if it is just private, then perhaps like jestah said, something in your backyard would be nice - like a small garden, with a rock and a plaque. otherwise, talk to your local council about any public places that can provide this sort of place.

does your father have the capacity to converse? if so, then you may want to try asking, but if not, my apologies for suggesting this.

all the best for you and your family, GD.

GD: Why not just put this on 'hold' for the time being? Talk to your family, specifically your mom and suggest that maybe in a few months when the initial shock and grieving subsides a bit that, that, might be a better time to make a decision on what you want to do. I'm not sure that making a decision now, during this time of high emotion and stress is the way to go. You, and your family can think and discuss many different scenarios sure, but why not leave the *decision making* till thoughts are clearer and emotions not so volatile. I'd suggest your mom right now needs a whole lot of good comfort and compassion...she doesn't need to make decisions like this immediately. She'll know when she's ready.
Very sorry.

Been looking at these posts now for sometime for various reasons.

My daughter and I went through almost the same, difference was we had only 2 weeks between the diagnosis of Braincancer till the bitter end. But time doesn't matter the feelings and emotions are the same.

It is a very difficult time and the best thing you can do for your mother is to let her know that you are there with her - that she can count on you and you are together in this.

For yourself - pick a star and give it name! look at it and let your mind travel and think of the good times and the things your Father believes in, the good times and the silly times and the times you might have gotten in trouble.


What helped us was the goal to make the last wish come true and scatter the ashes out on Georgian Bay at the deepest spot to Rhumanian Rapshody. Life coming full circle.


Perhaps this will help you a little, perhaps not - I don't know. Like you said it is almost impossible to think straight. Try and focus on one day at the time and get through.

sib

Sorry to hear you`re going through such a painful time.

This may be way off base, since I`m not reall ysure what you`re looking for, but perhaps a website that celebrates his life, through which donations could be made to the charity of your choice.

Sorry to hear about this GD. Very sorry.

The advice from DB on the website I thought was a good idea...as is athe idea from jstuartj...maybe combine both, as DB suggests...

Though it may not seem like it now, trials of life shape ones future...and can either bring people together, or split them apart.

Try to offer your Mom as much support as you can...and be sure to get some support of your own...try facing this together...instead of apart.

GD, sorry to hear this,

The best thing you can do, as has been said before concentrate on the time that you have left with your father, and be there to support your mother. Strains like this as WS said can sometimes pull people together or tear them apart. So for the moment concentrate on the present and the future plans can be looked into later. This next part is difficult to put clearly so i hope you will understand, Often questions like this are answered in peoples last will and testaments, so there may be some clue as to what your father wants there.

But above all concentrate on the time you have left, it will be easier to think after everything has calmed down as NoJive said.

Again take crae of yourself and your familly


tom

My condolences, GD. It must be very painful for you and your mother. If nothing else, I hope all of the replies you've received here will help in some way.

I wouldn't know what to suggest in terms of a memorial, but sib had some good ideas. Do what you need to do to find peace. And I don't how you'll take this, but I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

GD, I will keep you and your family in my prayers as well...

Just realize that the most genuine forms of honor are those that cost nothing. Your father's spirit will always live inside you, he will always be in your life no matter what. He is the air that you breath and the water you drink. Even though the body will not be associated with this, he is a part of each and every person in your family. Your father's legacy to his family is the most rewarding commemoration. He will exist, through teachings and personality, in those that he loves with full energy and everlasting strength. He will grow with you, your children, your grandchildren and beyond - always there to give you advice and comfort. Your family is his most enduring gift, and he will rest calmly with this and smile as he sees it grow. In many respects, GD, you are your father just as true as the image of your children will become you.

My mother found solace after her father died when she found a painting that he had never finished...and finished it herself. Perhaps finding something that your father had a passion for and contributing to its purpose will help your family. I think your father would be proud.

The poster has demanded we remove all his contributions, less he takes legal action.
We have done so.
Now Tyberius Prime expects him to start complaining that we removed his 'free speech' since this message will replace all of his posts, past and future.
Don't follow his example - seek real life help first.

The poster has demanded we remove all his contributions, less he takes legal action.
We have done so.
Now Tyberius Prime expects him to start complaining that we removed his 'free speech' since this message will replace all of his posts, past and future.
Don't follow his example - seek real life help first.

reitsma - We seem to be aiming for a more public place to do this. A place that is sort of immobile beyond what nature will do. My father ahs the ability to converse, just not understand. You needn't be sorry, you didn't know.

NoJive - Believe me I've tried to point that out to her and so have her friends and family. I think she's just overwhelmed by this and needs to know it's all taken care of. She wants the... physical stuff finished so she can deal with the emotional side fo this without any interuptions. Not exactly the right way to say it I'm sure but... yeah.

sib - I know, and thanks. I spend just about every weekend at my parents place. I'm a three hour drive away from their house and another hour and a half away from my father. I would be there more often if I could but life intrudes its ugly head.

docilebob - That thought crossed my mind... I'll have to look into that. I'm not very good at webpages yet but I'm working at it, hence my introduction here.

WebShaman - I hear Ya. As I said earlier, I spend most of my free time with my mom and brother. I'm getting my support from my fiance and from all of you here. I like it here. This place... relaxes me, contrary to how my posts sound sometimes.

tomeaglescz - My mother and father put their Will and Testaments together at the same time. Basiclaly bequething everything to each other. My mother knows my fathers wishes. It's hard for her so I help as best I can. She's getting to the point where she just wants it to be over and she's beating herself up for feeling that. While I try and help her through that I can't help but feel the same way because I'm waiting to be married until this all settles out. I know its just emotions twisting my thoguhts but It still hurts. We support each other as best we can. it'll be easier for her once she gets down here into the cities.

Suho1004 - Thanks Suho. Don't worry. Prayers are prayers in any religion(if that's what you meant).

Thumper - Thank You Thumper. That really touched me. I... Thank You.

InI - I like the ship idea, InI. It's sort of appropriate seeing as he was in the Navy. While not an all consuming thing in his life, it was important to him. I'll have to check into that. I understand your empathic block, I'm empathic too. Sorry if I caused any ripples.

To ALL - I appreciate all of your responses. I really want to thank all of you for being here for me. In this Topic, this forum, Hell... this world. Thanx to Doc above for making this place available. Whilst I may not say it or it doesn't come through, I respect and care for everyone here and hope that I can be of some service when you are in need. I have a very strict code and feel indebted to you for your aid, even when entreated by myself. You've made worlds of difference to me, helped me more than I think you can feel. My heartfelt thanks to all of you, I hope to hear from you more.

-sigh-This is such a cool place...
GrythusDraconis
Prince of Gold - Lord of Dragons

GD, I've been thinking about your idea but I just don't have any advice, for that I'm sorry but my heart goes out to you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

The poster has demanded we remove all his contributions, less he takes legal action.
We have done so.
Now Tyberius Prime expects him to start complaining that we removed his 'free speech' since this message will replace all of his posts, past and future.
Don't follow his example - seek real life help first.

I am sorry to hear about your father- my prayers are with your family . . . regarding a memorial- what immediately comes to mind (because I am an athlete) is a memorial run/walk event in your father's name- maybe something like 3-5 miles- you can hold each year and the entry fee can go to cancer research. Involves a bit of planning- may not cost too much- if you can get volunteers to help out (familiy and friends). Entrance fee can pay for water, bagels and the difference can go to Cancer research.

This gets people out and involved and a good way to pay tribute to your father. You may be surprised the response you may get from the community. I know I am always looking for small events to run in. Just an idea . . .

CRO8



[This message has been edited by CRO8 (edited 10-24-2002).]

My condolences, GD.

What Thumper said is absolutely true. The memorial is in your heart. You'll remember him forever, and that is an honor that all fathers should have. What better a memorial than to be loved and remembered?

CRO8 had a really good idea. Turn your grief into energy by doing something to help others. Talk about a good thing! Then, do that every year on the anniversary of his passing.

I saw something in a tattoo magazine today about a man from India who honored all of his family by getting tattoos of his relatives who have all passed on. He got their name, birth date, date of marriage, and date of death tattooed on his body. That may not be your cup of tea, but he is a living memorial for his entire family. I thought that was pretty cool.

When my girlfriend and I lost our son to a late-term miscarriage in March, we got matching tattoos on our right calves, of his name inside a Celtic knotwork heart. Plus, we had his ashes put into two lockets, that we wear sometimes.

Anything you do will be appropriate, GD.

"The key to discovery lies not in mathematics, but in imagination."

GD: I too add my condolences. I do not have any ideas, though I do like the website one commemorating your dad. I express my emotions though artwork and that maybe a way for you to work out your grief as well as remembering your dad.

Of late, I've tried to shy away from topics like this. For me, the wounds of loss are still rather fresh.

My sister died in October 2000. Her brother (she wasn't *actually* my sister, but she was) died in September 2001. They were both very, very close to us.

We opened a funds at Children's Hospital in both their names. A place people can send money to help research leukemia. They both died from leukemia, indirectly.

If you want your father to be remembered, no one will do it better than the people that knew him. You don't need a tree, a star, or a bench to remind you about how he touched your lives. You don't need a fund that people can give money to in his name. You don't need any of that.

If you want it, ask yourself this (and be truthful with yourself): Would you be doing this for him, or for you?

My condolences on the impending doom. It's not easy to watch someone you love slip away from you, piece by piece, until you're left with nothing but a shell that once was that person you loved so dearly.