Preserved Topic: Your final moments... (Page 2 of 4)

Hmm... Beekay has a point. We'd most likely be chopped into a big, bloody mess.

Unless someone threw a beverage cart out of the door, first. Then that would get sucked into the engine and blow it out (hey, it works in the movies...). This would ensure us relative safety upon jumping out, and would ensure that the suckers who stayed behind would go down even faster .

*throws beverage cart (the one that Emperor isn't clinging to) out the door first, then jumps*



[This message has been edited by Suho1004 (edited 05-01-2002).]

Not the beverage cart! You son of a bitch! How are we all going to get pissed now? What were you thinking?

DigitalUbiquity

We could chuck the fat lady out first, she'll surely take care of that engine. Of course, that hurts me, as I won't have something plump to pump on my way down

njuice42
icq 957255

Well, njuice, if you're willing to make the sacrifice, I would rather throw the fat lady out than the beverage cart. But we'd better decide quick... before DU beats me to a pulp





What does it mean?

*thinks*

Death to a fellow inmate.... humpin' a biggie on the way down... death... humpin'...

I'll get back to you.

njuice42
icq 957255

I'd skin the fat lady (1.5 min), hold her epidermis out the door to dry (1 min. given the speed), (while holding epidermis) remove her intestines, dry and pull (.5 min), assemble parachute with skin and intestines (1.5 min), quickly attach assembly to backpack cusion provided by airliner and strap it on (30 sec), deposit carcass into jet turbine to nullify suction, pinch ass of stewardess, wink, jump, decelerate like a dragster to safety.

Ok, let's get this straight...there is now a tug-of-war over the fat lady. One wants to throw her out first, one wants to hump her, and one wants to skin and gut her... moral of the story : if you are a fat lady, don't fly.

Good thing Suho1004 didn't throw out the drinks cart...hand me a bottle, Mr. Jones....*the tune of Counting Crows rings through the planes loudspeakers...'

Man, this thread is crackin' me up big time...hope it gets archived in the Hall of Fame...it's hilarious! Just read it from start to finish....if you get through without laughing, then you are already dead...

I think this would be one of the funniest sketches that I have seen in a long time...but only Monty Python could do it real justice...I can just picture Michael Palin saying 'Oh, sorry 'bout that, old chap, but I just shat me britches.' And then all of them standing around the door, discussing what to do with the fat lady....and taking swigs of the bottle...

Indeed. But now take into consideration that this fat lady must be wearing a mumu of some sorts, that's gotta do wonders for wind resistance and whatnot, right?

njuice42
icq 957255

njuice, are you going to let Thumper skin your ride?!

Oh, and just in case everyone forgot, Emps has got one of the drink carts all to himself! What ever happened to democracy?

Um, I got dibs on the sake... there's sake on this flight, right?





What does it mean?

Emps just drank the last bottle of sake....its true, I saw it...don't try to deny it, Emps! *the looneys take a break from the fat lady tug-of-war to glare at Emps* Pass the trolley, Emps!!! Whoops! It just got sucked out the door...gang way! I'm coming, trolley....oh drats!! The trolley just took out the engine...all that good booze, going to waste...and speaking of waste....I think SB was here before me...gives one a new perspective on 'jet-propelled...'

I love sake (it has been too long since I had any - 5 minutes according to WS!!). Democracy be damned I've got the drinks trolley (in the toilet) and you'll have a fight on your hands if you want to throw it into a jet engine I can tell you (tip: I haven't yet lost a fight over a drinks trolley in a jet plane plunging to earth yet - it must lend a sense of urgency to things). Anyway This must be a big jet and there are doors behind the wings so all those that have thrown themselves out and been instantly converted to something the colour and consistency of strawberry milk shake must be feeling pretty silly round about now!!

Anyway I'm not hogging all the booze - there is a spare bottle of Malibu here (coconut flavour drinks make gag) and I'm no big fan of Tia Maria so go wild with that too.

What we could do is find the fat ladies luggage and get out all her mumus and stitch them together and parachute the whole plane to the ground!!

Emps

Stay tuned for next weeks episode of 'the Asylum goes on a picnic...' You don't want to miss a thing...and don't forget to invite the fat lady...

Dogpile on Emps, he's got the last drinks trolley!

*short interlude of stark, raving mad looneys attempting to get through the door to the lavatory - shouts of 'hey, that's my leg! Give me that bottle! Ouch! That was my eye! Are you the fat lady? - followed by indescriminant grunting noises'
...it's officially a ruckus! Emps takes a swig of the bottle, brandishing his swiss army knife (with the corkscrew part out) here and there like Erol Flynn, shouting 'you'll never get this trolley from me alive!' (with unswallowed alchohol running down his chin), SB complaining 'guys, c'mon, I've really got to go (does little dance)...too late, oh jesus lord allmighty, I've shat meself!' WebShaman, totally lost in the cacophony, tries diving out the plane after the first trolley, humming to the tune of counting Crows...only to be stopped by the fat lady (who is stuck in the doorway, and being pulled in three different directions at once...). Over the loudspeaker comes the Captains voice 'ladies and gentlemen, we've just lost the starboard engine...please do not panic...'

No! God, what have I done?! And no sake left! Aaaaaahhhhh!!!

*rushes off to strangle Emps, tripping over the fat lady's mumus on the way*

(And if any of us ever make it out of this and you make your way to Korea, drop me a line and we'll share a few bottles of the good stuff! )



What does it mean?

[This message has been edited by Suho1004 (edited 05-02-2002).]

I would call it 'the longest 4 minutes of your life...'

It could only happen here...

Man, I love threads like this...

Thumper how did you get a knife on this plane to skin the fat lady with?! I'm suspicious! And while you're choppin' her to bits to make you're parachute, I think I'll just use her dress. Plus, if there is some fabric left over I could make a diaper or perhaps a new pair of pants.

Now I know what that thing is 'hanging' underneath that sig....and to think I thought it was a brain all this time...

Boy, I wouldn't want to be a fat lady...not only is she getting a pretty rough amount of treatment here, she's also being stripped naked...by Diaperboy!

Just love this thread, laughed the whole way through

*runs and helps Suho strangle Emps*

-= Veneficuz =-
"Mundus vult decipi. Ergo decipiatur."

*watches the scuffle, quietly slips around them, grabs the fat lady and starts bangin'*

... oooh.... go ahead, skin her, I'll be done in a second ...

njuice42
icq 957255

Geeesh I'm getting on a plane Saturday. I hope I forget what I've read here by then.

Osprey: As long as you don't fly SB Air you should be fine!!

~realises that Suho1004 and Veneficuz are trying to strangle him and brushes them off like insects (Tequila has that effect)~

njuice42: Not on my watch - thats brodering on weirdo serial killer territory!!

~kicks njuice42~

This was only a hypothetical thought experiment after all and its gone very 'Lord of the flies' very quickly!!

Emps

*drops a rock on Emp's head*



njuice42
icq 957255

There are no rocks on airplanes!!! Here use this... *hands Njuice a very stinky bag*

Rocks I can cope wiht but that...

~jumps out of plane~

I am not afraid of flying itself but I know for a fact that I don't want to die in an airplane crash so that is why I do not fly. If one crashes into me while I'm driving or if I get hit by a semi, at least I didn't have to suffer those last few *minutes* of sheer terror in a plane.

But to answer the question, I think I would say a really quick prayer just to let Him know I'll be needing a room and then I would hope I could console Schitzoboy as much as possible about sitting in his beshatted trousers. You know, things like, "look on the bright side your pants were already a shade of brown" or "do you think you're the only one here who lost control of his bowels, deal with it!"

BTW, I just saw that movie about a month ago and that part was really well done, especially that last revelation that was shouted. LOL.

. . : newThing

Hehe...

*continues to strangle Emps with Veneficuz's help; has a much easier time of it now that Emps is no longer struggling, mistakenly believing that he has brushed his attackers off like flies (Tequila has that effect)*

Whoa!

*suddenly breaks off the attack when the stinky bag enters the picture*

Poor Emps...





What does it mean?

*slowly takes a peek into the stinky bag, grimaces, and tosses it aside, only to have it caught by the fat lady... whom gobbles the bag up without thinking twice (or questioning what's in it)*


((btw, the rock on the head was an homage to Lord of the Flies, as "Piggy" gets the rock dropped on his skull near the end ))

njuice42
icq 957255

Oh, well in that case...

Emps, I think Njuice is calling you fat.

... I think I got lost somewhere back there hehe... I'm sure Emps ain't fat, let alone a fat lady... in any case,

*begins to swat at everyone with a rolled up issue of 'Air Digest' screaming "Flies! Fliiiiies! Horrible, Horrible creations of God! FLIES!"*

njuice42
icq 957255

At this point WebShaman, after downing the whole bottle of Capt'n Morgen, notices that the fat lady has gorged herself on SBs 'No. 2s' and promtly empties his gullet *nasty choking sounds...or is that Emps?* which helps to lubricate the dry-humping...

Well, it didn't take too long for this to turn into a horror flick, did it?

*runs screaming from the fat lady and njuice, then rummages through the galley to find one last little bottle of sake.*

Aaaah... yes!

*glug, glug, glug*





What does it mean?

The captain sure does bring out the weirdest in people

*nimbly dances over to WebShamen, raises the rolled up magazine...*

njuice42
icq 957255

It is probably a flight to the annual asylum convetion we're on

* runs away from Emps when the stinky bag arrives and goes to the medicine cabinet gulping down all of the pills that are left *

-= Veneficuz =-
"Mundus vult decipi. Ergo decipiatur."

Uhhh...Veneficuz? Those aren't pills...those're droplets from SB...oh, man, not only is the fat lady aggoblin'...

Well I do get mistaken for a woman occasionally but I've lost weight so I doubt I'd be mistaken for a fat woman - just an oddly shaped, bearded one and I don't think njuice is that drunk yet!!!

I do hope no-one is strngling me as I leapt out of the plane yesterday to avoid SB's underwear (or was that underware - I don't think we ever got to the bottom of the that one if you'll excuse the pun). Now that is some fall - perhaps the Tequila is playing tricks with my mind (checks bottle - hmmm it appears to have something like a little catepillar floating in it oh well that can't be too important).

SB = soiled britches?

Emps

Lol!!! SB='soiled Britches'!!!

Hey, Emps...that reminds me of this (the cattapillar in the bottle, that is)

'One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you, don't do anything at all

Go ask Alice, when she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits, and you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar has given you the call'
- White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane

Kinda goes with the flow, as SB would say...

*sways to and fro, tripping over himself to get to Emps*

Heey baby... we got bout tzhriee minutz lefft... letz go git us sum more comfortabable--

*falls down*

njuice42
icq 957255

I think the soiled britches thing is going to "stick" for some time... much like ~Vp~'s mop and Izzay's pear fetish. You've got to love this place!

*peeks into the cockpit*

"Excuse me captain, can you stall this crash a lil. We're having too much fun back here!"

Oh sheesh! What've I done. I hope this doesn't get turned into a google bomb

Just curious but how did the VP's mop thing get started? Is that thread archived?

[This message has been edited by Schitzoboy (edited 05-03-2002).]

That's a very good question...I know that it is not in the Hall of Fame...and that it occured very early in the history of the Asylum...I think that both Slime and DG know...and, of course, VP.

Be quiet...the captain is speaking *Ladies and Gentlemen, the crash has now been posponed for three minutes due to the extra drag from the fat ladies mumu...have a nice flight* Oh, good, more time for drinking...*pulls out tomahawk* It's scalpin' time!!! C'mer Emps!!! Give me that bottle. *Loads peacepipe with extra-strong 'shrooms from wakkys secret cache* Ahhhh, that's the only way to fly...jesus, where did all these entrails come from...oh, look, njuice42 has slipped on them and fallen down...*trods over njuice42* Ok, Emps, that's a good chap...*moves closer*...now just give us the bottle, nice and slow like...