Topic awaiting preservation: GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN) (Page 1 of 1)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our
own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to
make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can
take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And
the first thing he said was "DON'T!"



"Don't what?" Adam replied



"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.


"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve....we have
forbidden
fruit!!!!!"


"No Way!"


"Yes way!"


"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.


"Why?"


"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why
He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes
later,
God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't
I
tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.



"Uh huh," Adam replied.


"Then why did you?" said the Father.


"I don't know," said Eve.


"She started it!" Adam said


"Did not!"


"Did too!"


"DID NOT!"



Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and
Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has
never changed.


BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for
you?


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and
shut up.


2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.



3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.



4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.


5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.


6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your
nursing home one day.


AND FINALLY:


IF YOU HAVE A LOTOF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON
THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:


"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

QUOTATION: "If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out."

What a revelation! God created SEX before reproduction! This could really upset the Catholics! Yay!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzz.....

Which is most amusing, since, according to the Bible, sex is good and meant to be enjoyed. Just read Song of Solomon, or any number of other books, heh.

---
Website

Aren't we missing the point...?

OMFG!
As a father of three... this is just so... true...
/D

{cell 260} {Blog}
-{ ?There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - Jeremy S. Anderson" }-

Sorry Blaise, you're right. Didn't mean to subvert your thread, Xpirex.

The real issue here is, why did He put those apples there just to give his kids a chance to do wrong? Isn't this the sort of ruse that Satan would use? Oh! The possibility that the gift of children constituted expulsion from paradise?

Sorry - just kidding.

Thought I might share this link to make up for it.

(Edited by White Hawk on 06-24-2005 23:14)

The added benifit of being a Grandparent is that you can go see them, stuff them full of sugar, get em all fired up, and then go home..hehehe

Sorry , this is a little loong, but the parents (who have learned patience form their kids) will understand.

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.









=====================================================


One evening recently, a mother entered her daughter's bedroom to discover it empty. As she looked around, she spied a letter over the bed. With trembling hands and a terrible sense of premonition, she read....


Dear Mom;

Please don't be mad, but I eloped with my new boyfriend. I finally found real love and he is so nice Mom, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big Harley. Not only that, I'm pregnant and Ahmed says we're going to be really happy in his trailer in the woods.

He wants to have lots more children with me and you know that's one of my dreams too. Also, he taught me that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we're going to grow it for us and his friends, who will pay us by giving us all the cocaine and ecstasy we'll ever need and we'll pray every day for scientists to find the cure for AIDS so that Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith


After fainting, Mom came to and read the rest of the letter....

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Janey's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card on my desk... love you!

::tao:::: ::cell::

Sorry DB, was my link not good enough?



ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzz.....

So, THAT'S where that came from...and a nice link it was, too.


BRAINFART. I find the altsheimers kicking in more and more often these days.

lol - it isn't your fault. I just go on and on sometimes. Eventually, I fade into the background and eyes (and ears) just glaze over whenever I utter a word. That little link would have seemed no more than a congealing lump, floating beneath the surface of the shifting slurry that is the bland and random outpouring of my meandering mind.

I've been known to induce time-loss blackouts in entire rooms full of people, you know.


It is a good thing that one of the fastest learned skills of a parent is to nod and grunt at appropriate intervals - my parents were masters at it.

Here's one:

Madness is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzz.....