Sorry , this is a little loong, but the parents (who have learned patience form their kids) will understand.
Are You Ready for Children?
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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One evening recently, a mother entered her daughter's bedroom to discover it empty. As she looked around, she spied a letter over the bed. With trembling hands and a terrible sense of premonition, she read....
Dear Mom;
Please don't be mad, but I eloped with my new boyfriend. I finally found real love and he is so nice Mom, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big Harley. Not only that, I'm pregnant and Ahmed says we're going to be really happy in his trailer in the woods.
He wants to have lots more children with me and you know that's one of my dreams too. Also, he taught me that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we're going to grow it for us and his friends, who will pay us by giving us all the cocaine and ecstasy we'll ever need and we'll pray every day for scientists to find the cure for AIDS so that Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
After fainting, Mom came to and read the rest of the letter....
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Janey's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card on my desk... love you!