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Bipolar (III) Inmate

Insane since: Jul 2005

posted posted 02-17-2006 02:46

..It had to happen.

Don't mind me, I am venting. Too much is.. well, too much.

The last three years have been tough, acquiring four different professional certifications,
studying by night, working by day.

The past six months have been hectic, working my behind off to deliver 4 full-featured applications,
and going through the first times of a very challenging position at the same time.

Partying whenever some free time was at hand, having hysteric chicks mess up what I allowed them to mess up.
I did not pay attention, I am insomniac in essence anyway, I did not care for the signs...

I am 27 years old, stuff like that should not happen, but tonight, I collapsed for good.
Collapsing is not the right word, my body and soul did part for a few seconds, it just "went away" and came back in a black flash.

To my mates, I was just "high on the casual joint", they did not believe it when I sat down in the middle of the room,
told them I was drifting, and...

Ceased to breathe, turned white, and faded away in all regards, bye-bye InI, time for TP to hit the champaign.

A couple of strong slaps and some pectoral massage, I was back.
Without a heart attack. Without damage to my nervous system. With a huge mess around me and my mates thanking God.

Three hours at the hospital and the tests showed my health was ok, but my low blood pressure showed signs
of extreme tiredness, the kind of "you got as close to the edge as you could" tiredness.

Tomorrow, there is a pilot project in Philip Morris headquarters. I am in charge of the testing phase,
and the project will impact over 2000 users.

I left the hospital in a hurry at 2AM, green surgery pants on, knowing I would live for tonight, but that it had been a hell of a warning.
Knowing I would have to wake up at 6AM for the pilot project.

With a catheter in my arm.. we call them catheters in french, fucking tubes up your veins.
Anybody knows how to remove such a thing?

I have to figure out, it's 2:43 AM.

Oh what a night.
Thank God it's Friday.

Make my day, cherrish life, have a big fucking party, a loud hangover on saturday, and sleep way past reasonable hours.

Paranoid (IV) Mad Scientist

From: EN27
Insane since: Mar 2000

posted posted 02-17-2006 03:05

Sounds like you need to learn to slow down.

Bipolar (III) Inmate

Insane since: Jul 2005

posted posted 02-17-2006 09:09

F1, first and foremost, your absence of prejudices and negativity towards me is a breathe of fresh air.
Then... there are lessons to take from my little story, for me and for others as well.

Lesson 1: smoking kills.
Lesson 2: stress kills as well.

And then, career vs having a life... I "made it hectic" myself, of course, this whole thing is my story,
the result of my choices. Odd stuff.

Why? Why did I want to become a top notch consultant, why am I striving to get "there"?
Because I can.
Because I am above 50000 euros a year, and can get up to 160k euros a year, the best positions in my company.

But what did I have to prove to myself? Why am I still running when overly exhausted?
Why can't I just slow down and disconnect? Because it is worth it. Not the money.

The fact of making your ideas and dreams come true.
The passion, the sincere, burning passion.

...I don't recommend such a lifestyle though, it's important to take care of oneself as I "noticed".
Thank God, I am on holidays next week and the week after.

And I am getting from nowhere where I found myself,
a few years ago, to some place beyond wonderland.

~tries to chill, takes a coffee, and no cigarette this time~

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Darwin, NT, Australia
Insane since: Dec 2003

posted posted 02-17-2006 10:10

Maaaaan; you gotta choose - James Dean: fast and mean or Big Bird: slooooow and loooong

Both options got things going for them but it's slow, and hopefully long, for me

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: London
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 02-17-2006 11:50

Ini, if I may call you that,

I'm going to be honest with you, it's not something I usually like to do on forums, as I think it's better not to get too personal and to keep things jovial, but in your case and this time I'll make an acception.

I like you, I mostly always have done, and for many reasons, from when I first joined you had some really interesting things to say on JavaScript and programming, and you clearly had a brain to acheive your goals.

Then you seemed to change a bit and get really irate at a few stupid posters, and some peers here said you needed councilling and all sorts of bullshit like that, I never liked those comments made by the other folk here, I thought they were excessive and far too personal, but you did lose your temper and never seemed to see outside of the box.

Then you returned as _Mauro, and that was cool, it was good to have you back, you claimed you had sorted yourself out, and that this time you were back for good, then some cray shit happened with your brother and I knew that no matter how bad my life got and how bad I was feeling you had already been there and probably took it worse. You made me happy I was me, thanks!

I don't want to put you down in any way, but as F1 said, you need to slow down, take it easy, if you're in hospital because you're overworked it's your companies problem not yours to sort out the next project, they've put you in that position and not monitored you.

Working hard is a sad fact of life if you want to succeed and it's great that you've got the strength to do it, but working hard isn't the norm, and is something that should only be switched on when necessary, otherwise it's overkill, you don't use a hammer to break and egg!

Step outside of the box, take some time off, if you're getting pressure from your peers then don't be shy to stand up and correct them, you need your time and you need your sanity.

My job at the moment is getting quite stressfull, I've just finished a project and instead of having abreakdown I'm going to Australia for 3 weeks, it'll be nice and relaxing, and I'll come back feeling refreshed. Hell I may even decide to change jobs.

Don't kill yourself over work, it's not big and it's not clever.

Take it easy, and remember, Be Happy!

(Edited by Blaise on 02-17-2006 11:50)

Bipolar (III) Inmate

Insane since: Jul 2005

posted posted 02-17-2006 16:01

Yeah, call me InI.

You know Blaise, you've raised some very interesting points, at least to me.
The "problem" of the "InI" cocktail can be summed up to...
gifted, arrogant, and yet ubber-sensitive.

Some will put it as follows:
educated, pompous, and whiney.

That's a mixture which ~always causes strong reactions. Part of it is fascinating. Part of it irritating.
It has triggered conflicts and intense love stories and relationships throughout my whole life.

It's as if some people "hated the fact that bright man doesn't FEEL like a man", without being able to nail it consciously,
but only "sense" it.

So, those people have a reaction, towards me, which is pure jealousy, or borderlines it, and many of them are aroung these
parts, follow the "longer fingers" and you'll find them.

I question things, do like alternative lines of thinking, hate conformism, and I dare to speak my inner self publicly.
Good or bad, it makes for sincerity.


I stopped the js talk because I lost interest in js, and never managed to really drive people to Java, for some reason.
Plus I hated the redundant questions, and mild/shy answers. I had spastic returns to js, notably when I launched the
20 liners compo.


I blame most Mad Scis.. more news later.

Lunatic (VI) Inmate

From: under the bed
Insane since: Feb 2000

posted posted 02-17-2006 22:49

Blaise said:

Take it easy, and remember, Be Happy!

Better words have never been spoken.


_Mauro said:

I blame most Mad Scis..

That is the surest way to avoid accomplishing Blaise's wise words.

Take it how you wish - you need to learn to get over the offenses to your ego. Hoarding them the way you seem to will ensure your perpetual misery.


Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: Czech Republic via Bristol UK
Insane since: Feb 2002

posted posted 02-17-2006 23:09

hi mate do yaself a favour take a break, 10 euros 50000 euros 160000 euros aint no good when ya dead

ya body just gave u a wake up call, you pushed the edge and found it... dont try again next time ya might not be so lucky...

when ya body goes to shit like it did then its time to ease up no choice in it...

anyway at the end of the day it's your call but THINK HARD

u know how to find me


Rinswind 2th
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Den Haag: The Royal Residence
Insane since: Jul 2000

posted posted 02-18-2006 01:24

Burn baby burn,
seems to me you are once again burning yourself up. So you made a mess of yes, now think for a minute about 10 years from now where do you wanna be then?
- Totally burned-up with lot's of $$$ some child with some girl somewhere paying alemony every month to her, being unhappy with the nice car and the big empty house, while you friends say that you have an alcohol problem?

-Still burning with a white hot flame trashing everyone in you surrounding, fueling yourself with expansive diners and coke? Some nice girls who like you for your /car/house/jacuzi/penthouse in paris...


As you said yourself you would not advice your way of living to others.
So ask yourself why would YOU live like that? I think you need the "casual joint" to get yourself in chilling-mode. Personally i won't mind you smoking your "casual-joint" but when you do need the joint you do have a problem. In the same way i don't care if anyone likes a beer, when you are depending on beer you are an alcoholist.


The fact of making your ideas and dreams come tru.
The passion, the sincere, burning passion.

This is a very strong drive which could help you overcome a lot off bariers, destined to hit your track. But it could lead to living like there is no tomorow, this in its turn could easily lead to the two options i listed above.
But since we all are born with a free will (the most powerfull force mankind can wield) you ofcourse have a choice about that.
Personaly i like living as of there is an tomorrow and i do intent to get the most out of today and tomorrow and the days after that.

So here are my suggestions for you:
IF you know what your dreams are start making them happen.
-Want a family? get a house, get a steady relationship etc. etc. learn from your mistakes get some kids and learn to be a good dad.
-Want to dig up an old Pharao? learn egyptian, get to be an archeologist..
But don't try to do it in one day, or one week for that matter.

IF you don't know about what you realy want from life. There is an other sugestion take a year or a couple of months off and travel to an other part of the globe, to africa or south-america for instance, or an other place where daily life is pretty slow. Look around you and be amazed about all those little wonders you will encounter. Find some peace with your self and the world around you. Then you could use the renewed energy to accomplish even greater things for your personal live.

But don't start blaming other people for things you can change yourself.
Don't forget the power of a free will is yours to wield.

:: Develop yourself, develop your life, develop the world ::

Bipolar (III) Inmate

Insane since: Jul 2005

posted posted 02-18-2006 09:15

I blame most mad-scis for being nothing more, nothing less than human DL, Didn't have time to finish, got caught in something while posting.

It's been a day, and a lot of thinking has been going on.

Blaise is right, the "InI" demotion was overdone, and lot of emotional biases got in the way -yeah I was irritating part of the time, but..-,

Anyway, the past can't be changed unless SpaceFold starts to make sense, and DL, I pretty much came to your conclusions

Back to something Blaise said that matters, I was weak in that I took responsibility for each and every blame, even those that were jokes, took it personal,
and took it as being my fault.

Talk about a low self esteem.
Getting "fixed" was all about correcting that self esteem.

I disagree with Blaise, well used therapy works.

What I want from life has been summed above Rnswd, I have ideas I want to express, I have ideas about our societies,
and art and technology are powerful mediums.
And I want children, but that's another problem altogether, children mean a wife who ~has~ to be a Mom more than a mistress, I have time
to find that pearl: so far no girl in my life proved a sense of responsibilities towards herself or theyre cats for that matter.

Kimmy got close though.

For the time being, I want excellence for myself, nothing less.
I have ways, all I have to do is balance my lifestyle to stand a maximum commitment until the end of my nightly classes.

Money is a tool, not a goal, and this week, aside of risking my skin, I also received a huge bonus which will make for more comfort
and ways to reach my goals.

I don't do heavy drugs, casual joints, casual drinks, *way* too many cigarettes.
I don't recommend even the casual joint, if you don't do it already, don't start, it helps paranoia pour in.
I recommend the casual drinks, and responsibility with them, don't drink & drive for instance, you'd be risking *your* arse AND theirs.

Rinswind 2th
Maniac (V) Inmate

From: Den Haag: The Royal Residence
Insane since: Jul 2000

posted posted 02-18-2006 12:03

I agree with you about money being a tool not a goal, and i do think you can get pretty far in live because you seem to be very comitted.

"I don't do heavy drugs, casual joints, casual drinks, *way* too many cigarettes." thank god for that
The cigarette problem can be solved with a pretty strong will and convincing yourself that you realy want to quit. Not need to quit but want to.
Then you could say one day i quit smoking. But before you quit smoking you have to stop the joints. There is just no use in quiting with smoking if you still everyonce and a will put a glowing stick in your mouth
Both will take you and your body some time to adjust. But again with a strong will power you will succeed. This i know because i quit with both of them. And yes the casual joint could lead to paranoia which is why i quited smoking pot.

Good to hear that you solved that self esteem problem

Keep on goin in the right direction: Forward

:: Develop yourself, develop your life, develop the world ::

Bipolar (III) Inmate

Insane since: Jul 2005

posted posted 02-18-2006 14:01

I have to thank you all, btw, it's *all* good advice. Stuff to meditate. Life is precious indeed.

Lunatic (VI) Mad Scientist

From: Happy Hunting Grounds...
Insane since: Mar 2001

posted posted 02-18-2006 14:14
hi mate do yaself a favour take a break, 10 euros 50000 euros 160000 euros aint no good when ya dead


Nothing is worth killing yourself, unless the entire world is at stake. And even that is debatable

WebShaman | The keenest sorrow (and greatest truth) is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
- Sophocles

Paranoid (IV) Inmate

From: London
Insane since: Jun 2003

posted posted 02-19-2006 00:52
I disagree with Blaise, well used therapy works.

Ah shucks... Well as Meatloaf once said "2 outta 3 ain't bad"

You know what I'm sayin' Meatloaf fans!

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