Topic awaiting preservation: Upon trying to maintain one's equilibrium II (Page 1 of 1)

Who knows where the time goes my learned fellow Asylumites?
It sometimes seems the more time that passes the further out of sync I become with the society I have embedded myself into. Since my last writings on the subject of "on trying to maintain one's equilibrium"
On trying to maintain ones equilibrium I have attended ridiculous group meetings where we (all strangers) stand around a large table and toss a tennis ball to each other, about fifteen of us. Upon catching the ball the person then gives the group a brief summary of themselves, plus "something unusual". Or tries to "sell" oneself to a group of their peers, again in a group situation of strangers.
All this to satisfy government agencies that I am sincerely looking for work and deserve some form of aid in being self-employed. So the banks might in their omni-potent judgement give me a loan, A LOAN!

This is not the world I want to be part of. I seek the wild places, wind in the trees, rain in my hair, people rooted in nature. Suits (and the people in them) make me itchy.
But I digress, all that nasty business with government agencies is over for now.

I'd like to ponder upon the vagaries of our journey through time if I may.

Since becoming a quinquagenarian I have noted with great sadness that that old faker death has stalked and claimed increasingly more close friends of mine. This is only natural, the further I go in time the more it will happen. Still, it is something to be experienced and perhaps with you my beautiful asylumites, something to be shared.
Most recently a good soul mate (Ron) died from the ravages of lung cancer. Another (John) from a more exotic form of cancer that I have yet to discover the details. The third to die this year (Keith) committed suicide, he suffered terribly from arthritis. I'm angry at him for doing this, but understand, with love, that he felt he could not go on. Finally, last week, we buried Jake, who was killed in a motorcycle accident on the Isle of Man by some idiot in a van who did not take the time to look properly.

When mortality smacks you in the face like this, I think it is a foolish man who does not take note. I decide to take myself off to the doctors for a fifty-five thousand mile check up. Generally I enjoy excellent health so visiting doctors is somewhat of a new experience to me.

Blood Pressure - OK
Cholesterol - Fine
Lungs - Seem clear. ( which is a relief because I used to smoke a lot, filter-less "phillies", reefers and all)
In short all the tests appeared OK with a couple of blood tests still to come back.
Perhaps because I ride a bicycle most of the time the doctor, a young Irish chap, asked me about any prostrate problems. I agreed to have a "digital" examination, he moved to his desk and to my surprise said he could "Do that now for you if you like"

Erm! OKayyy I says hesitantly, what does it....... Just as I am saying this he starts to get those latex gloves out of a drawer.
Eeek, I hear myself saying. When you say "digital" d'you mean?
"Fingers" he interjects.
Ah! I says, I thought when you said digital that it would be some kind of machine, perhaps fiber optics attached to a computer?
My mind races, I panic a little. I've just been cycling for about twenty-five miles, I'm hot and sweaty. I don't really want anyone poking about "down there"

Righto the doc' replies you make an appointment when you're ready. He gives me pamphlets, suggests I stay off the bike for a while before the "digital". I leave the room.

Here's one of those times you never imagine having. So now I find myself considering when to have the "digital" examination. Should it be a male doctor or a female doctor? I have a choice.
My mind, ego, libido, imagination goes into overdrive
Which would be the least embarrassing? Why am I even fussing about it 'tis stupid, make a decision stoopid boy I tells myself. Male or female doctor?
Well what would you choose?


Just in case it appears that I be depressed with all this, trust me I'm not. Just a little melancholic and missing friends is all. Such is life.

Tao:
A word of advice, when you're down on all fours and he's behind you, make sure that it is indeed his finger that is thrusted up there.


But seriously, have a PSA test, not just the DRE.


http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17868406

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CONCLUSION: Digital rectal examination in primary care for palpable rectal tumour has a sensitivity of 0.762, specificity of 0.917, positive predictive value of 0.296 and negative predictive value of 0.988. It is an inaccurate procedure and a poor predictor for palpable rectal tumour.

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(Edited by SleepingWolf on 10-01-2009 03:37)

I love the Asylum, but I wouldn't let Ozone anywhere near my waste pipe!

I'm moving flat today so I'm probably not going to be able to post for a few days.

That's good info thanks SleepingWolf I rather wish I'd known that before I visited the doctors for the dastardly deed. I still have to attend the local hospital's LUTS Urology department and get the result of my urine sample. So I have that covers things.
Yes, the DRE manoeuvre has already been preformed but I'm not going to give any details out for a few days, or until I get a few straight answers here

You have a choice. It is a large GP clinic with about eight practising GP's on any given day. You have to have a Digital Rectal Examination the dreaded Dre. You are booking the appointment, the question has been asked...Time is ticking, I'll have to hurry you sir...which doctor would you like (sympathetic smile, pen poised)?
Yes and you too Blaise unless you'd rather not say

(Edited by Tao on 10-01-2009 12:06)

I'm sorry you're feeling down, Tao. If it helps, I doubt it's all just to do with age - I crave the freedom of the wilds and find the city a grubby and unpleasant place full of people I really wouldn't p*** on if they were on fire. Not a day goes by that I don't have to take a conscious breath and calm myself down in the face of ignorance, bad manners, or downright, utter, dangerous stupidity. The constant and cloistering proximity of such a dense population (dense in more ways than one, that is) isn't good for me - I just don't like them very much, but it's not like I can make my excuses and take my leave... I gotta' just get on with living amongst them.

I offer my sincere sympathies regarding the employment situation. I spent a substantial chunk of a decade struggling to find enough work to get by on, and ended up hybernating through the winters in order to survive both the poverty and the depression that came with them.

At thirty-one, I'm sad to say that I have had to bid farewell to at least a handful of people. Suicides, cancer and road accidents among them. I don't expect this to get easier as I get older (if I get older).

Not that it makes a difference, but you have my best wishes and highest regards.

Finally, on the subject of your examiner's gender - go for female. If there's even the slightest chance of an involuntary reaction, I would prefer that it occur in gender-appropriate company myself!

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Tao said:

That's good info thanks SleepingWolf I rather wish I'd known that before I visited the doctors for the dastardly deed.

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Well it can't hurt (no pun intended).

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Tao said:

I still have to attend the local hospital's LUTS Urology department and get the result of my urine sample. So I have that covers things.

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PSA test is a blood test. It might (should) have been done with your blood cholesterol test.

It is an accurate test, but they still get lots of false positives and negatives - but it is the best they have right now.

As for feeling down...my best thoughts go out to you...i'm struggling here myself, has not been a good year.

I try to read or go for walks to clear my mind, or just accept the fact that I'm still better off than 95% of the world - don't need to worry about clean drinking water or my next meal.

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Which one would I choose?

Well I suppose that is an interesting question, I don't think a woman would necessarily have a more tender touch or anything, and I imagine the feeling of relief you will have once the procedure is complete will override any embarrassment you may have along the way.

I would probably go with a woman, as you'll be touched in such a 'tender' area, hell if your concentration goes and the blood starts pumping you may as well enjoy yourself, and you'll sleep easier knowing it was from a female digit rather than a males

TBH I'd be just thinking of England anyway.

It will be over so fast you won't even know what hit you.

I don't think I would care either way - my GP is a woman - unless it was Megan Fox or Angelina.


If you want to have some fun though, you should eat a big dinner of pork and beans and other flatulence-inducing foods the night before, and then at the right moment - ooops excuse me, must've been that mexican food.

.....just for fun of course.

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(Edited by SleepingWolf on 10-01-2009 16:03)

Prostate exams are really nothing. I would get one every year if you are over 40.

And I know what you mean about your friends passing. My best friend in High School passed away not long ago.

Later,

C:\

Reminds me of a scene from the film How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog.

I've had a digital rectal examination by my old doctor, a woman, who rules. It wasn't a problem, but I think it had a lot more to do with my confidence in her ability to keep me well than her sex. I've also had a male urologist thoroughly examine my junk before, and that wasn't a problem, either.

If your doctor is a professional, I don't see what the problem is; if he isn't you should get another.

I do not have much advice to give you about death in general - I am much too biased to be able to give you advice that would be anywhere near enough to relate to you, I think.

Death is a part of life. Life goes on, with or without you or anyone else.

I know it sounds cheesy - sorry about that. As I said, I do not have very good advice to offer you here. My views on death have been horribly altered since the War.

I have lost so many I have known to death, that I rarely even feel sorrow about that anymore. I have come to accept that no-one is here permanently and that they are going to be leaving my life or I theirs. I try to enjoy the time that I have with others that I feel have an impact in my life and I in theirs. It is more like a sigh these days, I guess. One more passed away. I think that more and more, it is how one passes away that means anything to me (I wish one less pain and more peace during the process).

Onwards.

As for the rectal exam - I have been through it. It is like anything else. I mean, it is a doctor fer cryin' out loud! Imagine his/her day for a moment, and how many assholes he/she has had to deal with it (literary and not, as the case may be). Well, yours is just another one.

Since the benefits overweight the negatives, just grit your teeth and bend over. I will say this - if your doctor is good, you will feel a slight bit of discomfort, and that is all. A good doctor knows what he/she is doing. If it hurts, then get another doctor.

And try not to cramp up

As for life increasingly not making any sense as one gets older (or perhaps, the way society does things, being that humans are not equal to life but are a part of it instead), well, I feel ya, man. I think that is a normal part of getting older. You see, you and me, man, well, we remember other times, and other ways of doing things. We weight stuff against that, and do our comparisons. And yeah, that which we find wanting...well, we find it WANTING. The new generations, they don't have this experience base to really draw on like we do. For them, this is all new. That is why some things come as being strange, or weird, I guess.

Such is life, and getting older, yadda yadda yadda.

Just do not forget to lean out the door or window and shout "get off my lawn, you young whippersnappers!" occassionally. It will do you good!



WebShaman | The keenest sorrow (and greatest truth) is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
- Sophocles

Answering by phone got to be quick like the DRE i'm in the middle of nowhere thought I'D check in . . . i love you mentalists p proper reply due either when i get connected here or when i get to a library . . . prefer a feast of friends

So....
Realising that all the "who should I choose" malarkey was really rather nonsensical I decided to ring the doctors and make an appointment pronto. Little did I realise that there was a solution to my equivocations right there in the booking process. I was not given a choice of doctor for the appointment.
So off I set on the appointed day to see Dr (European sounding name that I can't remember so I'll refer to as Dr Digit)

Dr Digit, as it happens turned out to be a female doc. She was very gentle with me The examination took less than a minute and afterwards ~ we had a cigarette and shared some small talk but I knew she'd never ring or call me again~
Whoops, back to reality.

I think I was actually rather flustered as I don't quite remember a lot of the talk after that. I was given numbers to call the local hospital to make an appointment for further tests, and asked to pick up a test kit of some sort for the blood and urine tests. This, I completely messed up by peeing in the container that was meant for the blood sample. I did wonder why the receptionist looked rather puzzled when I handed it over.
So now I'm still waiting for the hospital appointment.

Reading through the posts above reinforces my belief that we have some good people here some very good people. Each and every day that I wake I realise how lucky I am and I give thanks for the joy of my life. There is a saying that I inherited from my (Irish) great grandparents, usually recited on occasions when one or other of us needed reminding to go out and enjoy our lives regardless of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

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"Sure, you're a short time dancing and a long time dead."

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You are a great addition to these hallowed halls, Tao.

Though I really want your cell.

Yup.

Gotta talk with Master Suho about uppin' yer voltage...

Btw - you ever swing by Germany, give me a hollar.

WebShaman | The keenest sorrow (and greatest truth) is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
- Sophocles

(Edited by WebShaman on 11-05-2009 20:47)

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Tao said:

I was given numbers to call the local hospital to make an appointment for further tests

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You will have a simple blood test called the PSA test which will tell if your prostate is healthy.
The test has both false positives and false negatives, but it's all they got right now!
If you also have a urine test, make sure they label it as "urine" because it looks very much like apple juice.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/prostate-cancer/HQ01273

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have noted with great sadness that that old faker death has stalked and claimed increasingly more close friends of mine

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just this am we have sad news of a friend's son who shot himself in the head yesterday. He was only 23. He had not registered this semester for school for lack of funds, could not find a job and was depressed. He kinda had drank too much issues. But not really an alcholic. The last emotional ordeal he had was that his long-time girlfriend broke up with him for someone else. I guess that was the final cap that sent him to do what he did. Very sad. Heard he had a sometime depressive nature too. Some people have to fight it daily.

Sorry to hear about that, Jade

WebShaman | The keenest sorrow (and greatest truth) is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
- Sophocles

My sympathies to those he left behind. Best wishes, Jade.

That's such sad news Jade. My thoughts and commiserations go out to you, your friend and his family.

He was named after an uncle who was found dead of drowing. Police said the uncle committed suicide but family suspected foul play to come to terms with "he could not possibly have taken his own life." These days, no one really can understand what the mind state goes thru during an emotional trauma for someone who already has a chemical imbalance. I can't even imagine putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger...why go in a messy way. It takes a certain kind of courage to do that as opposed to just taking an overdose of something and going out in a sleep.

I hope where he is at he is eventually given peace.

(Edited by jade on 11-09-2009 20:21)

Not to be a pia, but what does your religion say will happen to this person's soul, Jade?

And do you really believe it?

I find it interesting the difference between Western values on Suicide and Eastern values.

WebShaman | The keenest sorrow (and greatest truth) is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
- Sophocles

In the olden days, it was presumed that the soul that took its own life would suffer but that is not the teachings we believe now or maybe it was never really understood back then.

The judgment or place one goes can be known only by the person and his maker. No one living can know the place where one goes after death by suicide. You always hear even when one dies a accidental, untimely or natural death that they are in heaven now with God....but I never say that. We usually say we hope they find the way to God or peace in the after life.

In the end, no matter how the end comes to a person only God knows the heart. The heart may have suffered much in this world and not for lack of belief in a God but the circumstances of the life they have lead. Not everyone can bear the same burdens. Emotional sickness, I think would be considered an ailment. A disease..Many who commit suicide believe in God but life becomes to unbearable for them to handle. They zone out and are not in their right mind in a way. Death is a peace for them to not be in pain anymore. I believe God is a compassionte God and he could understand they whys and would give all the mercies he can.

I think I just got a little glimpse at your inner agnostic! *blush*

I think, when someone commits suicide, they get a score penalty and have to start from the beginning of the level. Oh yeah, and they get a -6 on initiative for the next fifty rounds. Best avoided if you're ever gonna' level-up.

(Edited by White Hawk on 11-10-2009 03:34)

I view suicide as a quick exit from this life. The only thing that I think suicide tends to do is to leave those behind with mostly negative feelings.

Although there are cases where this is obviously not the case.

My wife's sister's husband commited suicide a few years ago, after she broke up their 14 year marriage and was seeing another man. For most, this came as a shock, especially for his 10 year old son.

I have thought about this issue for quite a bit.

I am not going to go into the sister's emotional hell (self created, I might add) here. She is an adult and should be aware that for all actions, there are consequences. The man in the case I will leave out here as well, because he is also a head case, but as an adult, the same applies.

So it comes down to the son and the father here.

Examine some background.

The man in this case I have known for many years. Pretty simple, good guy really. A painter by trade, that is what he did his whole life (was in the late 30s). He was good at what he did. He was a loving father, and loved his son dearly. The same was also true of the son to the father. A real bond there.

A few years before the whole thing went to hell and back, he injured himself during vacation - his achilles tendon snapped. It took a HELL of a lot of time for it to heal. It never really healed perfectly, but then, he over did it, to be honest. To that, his lower back was getting increasingly bad, up to needing cortizon shots often.

The economy got bad in Germany (and that was before the Global Economy Crisis), and his company often could not pay him. So he had to cash in many of his fonds back then to pay for things. Of course, the economy has gotten since much worse, but he was dead before then.

Basically, he was looking at being alone with 40, shot back, shot leg, going to loose his job, being unable to pay for all the support that he would have to pay for his ex-wife and son (which in Germany is an unbelievable amount, and they just take it out of your pay). To that, the sister was forcing the contact between son and the new "man" and was denying visiting rights to the real father.

It was getting really nasty.

As he took his life, he left his retirement to his ex-wife, and his life insurance (I was surprised that it paid out. I wasn't aware that it would for suicide). She is now set for life, financially, and so is his son.

More importantly, instead of killing his wife, or hurting his son, or the other man, instead, he did something incredible - he gave them the best that he could.

I admire his courage and what he accomplished, especially considering the alternatives that he saw.

He was not a very smart man, nor was he one prone to thinking much. I would never have taken that way out (I went through something very similar). But considering things from his perspective, I have to give credit where it is due here.

The son is in treatment, I am not sure what the long term effects will be. We see him often enough, he is always welcome at our home.

I think in this case, though for the son it is probably the reverse, that the suicide actually bettered things (all things considered), in the long run. Though there are certainly times that he is missed.

He was a simple, good man, a loving father, and a providing husband.

WebShaman | The keenest sorrow (and greatest truth) is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
- Sophocles

What a life story. I wonder how the sister in law feels deep down regarding the money she recieved from a death she indirectly caused. I am a firm believer in that you always reap what you have sown and it has a way of returing in some way, good or bad.

Believe it or not we believe in ancestory curses and have prayers to break them. Regarding my friend who's nephew killed himself, he was and the rest of his family are on medication for depression. Mother, father, brothers and sisters. Plus the uncle killed himself too. Well if you go back to the main biblical story of Adam and Eve and the curse of mankind, I guess it would make sense.

From what I know and have seen, those who committed or are in a state where they want to commit suicide have no thought on the feelings of those they leave behind. Heartache and suffering of the loss doesn't penetrate because of the state they are in. I mean they may think of them but all that matters is that their misery will end for them. It becomes like a peace they seek. But who knows if they really go to where peace is at...They may have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Or they really can find a peace eventually. I just believe they will live on after death somewhere.

You know Jade, this side of you is an interesting change.

Just thought I would mention that.

WebShaman | The keenest sorrow (and greatest truth) is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
- Sophocles

what do u mean...I am still the same???????

maybe you have mellowed to me?? could that be the case??


well anyway...I thought I may visit in for a few posts...
always glad to get post from you

(Edited by jade on 11-10-2009 22:00)

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They may have jumped from the frying pan into the fire.

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Ay, there's the rub.

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They may have jumped from the frying pan into the fire

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Just meant here that it could be "hell is what you make it" Not what God makes it.

(Edited by jade on 11-11-2009 16:04)

I was quoting Shakespeare; Hamlet ponders suicide - the famous line "to sleep - perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub..." initiates his deeper thought on the 'fear of something after death' that drives one to suffer life. He weighs the fear of the unknown against the blissful release of death from what he feels is intolerable.

He essentially concludes that however intolerable life might be, there's no way to know whether what awaits after death is actually any better.

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...Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?

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It's not the most positive outlook on life - that we suffer it only for fear of what awaits us after it - but he chooses to live as a result; to fight rather than to die. Of course, he then goes on a bit of a bender and leaves several dead including his lover, who he drove to insanity and ultimate suicide.

It doesn't matter - the point is that you made me think of it, and it's a positive association as it has always been one of my favourite pieces ever written, and that made me smile.

Thanks Jade.

Your welcome Whitehawk and Webshaman.
Look 4 me on facebook. Smile is four u.
Theresa Lopez, Houston...wearing black/white pearl necklace.

(Edited by jade on 11-11-2009 20:51)

Methinks we need the fuller quote from Hamlet, White Hawk. I have tried to study Shakespeare a lot through my life, I find great truth and comfort within those plays and sonnets:

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To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

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Things like this have indeed helped this unworthy poet maintain some kind of equilibrium in times of anguish.

I love the Asylum.

Thanks for making this place great, everyone!

Still some life in this ol' gal after all!

Now we just need twItch^ to come down here and bitch us out, Dark Garden to
drop by and expand our minds, a surprise visit from the Doc, and perhaps
some high voltage from Master Suho.

Yeah.

WebShaman | The keenest sorrow (and greatest truth) is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
- Sophocles

That's odd - I'm sure the line "The pangs of despised love" should be "dis-prized"... but I've seen so many incidences of "despised", I wonder if I'm just being pedantic. Disprize is a Middle English word that means disdain or scorn, so it's not far off despise - but "despised" just seems too strong. Perhaps despised is the modern equivalent? I'll have to look up the etymology now...
_____

I love it here too, and it's coz' you lot make it what it is. So it may have quiet times, but I'm always sure to find something inspiring, informative, stirring, or even (once in a while) disturbing pinned to these mute orange walls. I feel at once humbled by the sheer level of creative energy and expertise here, and motivated to try new things or practice harder at my dabblings.

You're all interesting, and I keep on coming back because I respect (and even admire) my fellow inmates...

...even if I am an angry young man (or grumpy old man - the line is getting blurrier by the year) prone to ranting pointlessly, sometimes.

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White Hawk said:

prone to ranting pointlessly, sometimes

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Always the best part. =)

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?Privatize the Profits - Socialize the Losses.? Randi Rhodes

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New research shows that it's safe to keep an eye on your prostate cancer, rather than having it quickly removed.

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I heard this last night thought it relevant.... this great ugly link will lead to a podcast but for the life of me I can't figure out which segment it might be in..... some fast forwarding I guess. It's a good listen.



http://www.cbc.ca/search/cbc?access=p&entqr=1&getfields=*&entsp=0&output=xml_no_dtd&ie=utf8&client=CBC&q=prostate&safe=high&useragent=Mozilla%2F5.0+%28Windows%3B+U%3B+Windows+NT+5.1%3B+en-US%3B+rv%3A1.9.1.5%29+Gecko%2F20091102+Firefox%2F3.5.5+%28.NET+CLR+3.5.30729%29&site=CBC&oe=utf8&ip=159.33.4.160&sort=date%3AD%3AS%3Ad1

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?Privatize the Profits - Socialize the Losses.? Randi Rhodes