Preserved Topic: Funniest Joke In the Asylum (Page 3 of 3)

OK, deep breath... now look up at the top of the page. What's the title of this thread again?

~lol~

Honestly I forgot what thread I was posting in when I posted my last message heh.

Back on topic now...

Ahh yes back when I was a christian, our minister (catholic) told us a humurous joke about a man and faith.

Ok.

A man is sitting in his house during a flood, there is water through the streets and it keeps rising.

He is on his porch when a rescue unit comes along on a jetski in the road and says:

"Get on the back I wil drive you to the nearest shelter."

The man on his porch replied:

"No thankyou, God will save me I put my faith in him."

The man on the jetski just nods and goes on. It is still pouring rain and the water rises a whole story! So he is on his balcany to his second floor, waiting. Another rescue unit on a steam boat comes by and says:

"Sir you have to get on the rain is still coming down it may get even higher!"

But the man sighed and simply replied with:

"No thank you sir, my life is in Gods hands now he will save me."

So the man on the boat just nods and goes on. And guess what? It's still pouring rain! It has now rained to the point where the man is on the roof of his house. And now a helicopter comes by. A man with an amplihorn in his hand leans down and says:

"Sir! Climb this ladder and you will be alright!"

Then, the man shouts at the top of his lungs over the sound of the helicopter:

"No sir! I am not in need of your aid! God will save me and I will be alright!"

Well that said the helicopter leaves, the water rises, and the man drowns.

So his soul finally reaches heaven, he talks to St. Peter and demands to see God. Sure enough God appears out of a few clouds. The man says:

"Where were you? I drowned! You were supposed to save me!"

God nods and says:

"Where was I? Where were you!? I sent you a Jet Ski, a Boat, and a Helicopter!"

A petty farmer named Muldoon lived alone in his little shack on the countryside
with his pet dog, Muldoon loved his dog very much, and he was devestated when
it died.

Muldoon, being a good Catholic, Muldoon went to his priest and said: "Father, my
dear old dog is dead, could you please say a mass for the poor creature?"
The Father replyed: "I am very sorry to hear about your dogs death, and would be
happy to offer you counseling and support, but, unfortuanatly, we don't recognize
animals as having souls and whatnot, so I'm afraid I can't do a mass for your dog."

Muldoon says: "You know, theirs a new denomination down the road, and theirs no
telling what they beleive, maybe they'll offer to do a mass for my dog, so,
you know, I'll think I'll be going now, unless of course, the dog could suddenly become
Catholic for, oh, $500."

Priest: "500! - You never told me the dog was catholic!"

==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==

Ok, so it's kinda lame, more of a poke at the Catholic religion than anything else

Hey - Copy and Paste jokes:

A Newbridge man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of "Olympic condoms."
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made.
" Olympic condoms? " , she blurts, " What makes them so special?
There are three colours " , he replies, " Gold, Silver and Bronze. "
What colour are you going to wear tonight? " , she asks cheekily.
" Gold of course " , says the Newbridge man proudly.
The wife responds " Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if
you came second for a change!" .

-----------------------

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified,
he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about
to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For fXXX's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's
going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging
a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself in the bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with
only one leg to catch a sheep"

--------------------------

An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's
pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story.
I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's
in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

"So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle.
The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."

"That's impossible Doc! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

"Exactly" replied the Doctor.

--------------------

Well, the Catholic joke and the sheep joke were already posted above somewhere...

After the grade-school class comes back inside, the teacher asks Alice, "What did you do at recess?"
Alice replys, "I played in the sandbox."
"That' nice," the teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write sand correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie. Alice does, and she gets a cookie.
Then the teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played in the sandbox with Alice."
The teacher says, "Good. If you can write box on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Billy writes the word, and he hest a cookie.
The teacher then asks Mustafa Abdul what he did at recess.
"I tried to play with Alice and Billy," Mustafa answers, "but they threw rocks at me."
"They threw rocks at you? Tht sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" the teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write blatant racial discrimination, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

[This message has been edited by Lord_Fukutoku (edited 10-14-2002).]

A man driving to an important appointment, in a hurry of course, all of a sudden a tire goes flat. He brings the car under control, pulls over to the curb and stops. He realises that he is in front of the Mental Hospital and there is a man standing near the curb in a white coat. His mild fear is overcome by the urgency of his situation, so he gets out and changes the tire, carefully placing the lug nuts in the hubcab. As he is just ready to put the spare on, he drops the lug wrench, flipping the hubcap over and loses all the lugnuts down the storm drain. His screams of frustration bring the man at the curb nearer. He says, " Problem, Mister ?" To which the driver explains all that has happened and how screwed he is. " I`ll never make that appointment, now. The most important of my life."
The man at the curb says, " Why don`t you use one lug nut off of each of the other wheels just to get you to your appointment ? Then you can affect complete repairs later." The driver replies, " That`s brilliant. I have to admit, doctor, I was a bit concerned about getting out here in front of the ...Hospital. Thank you so much."
The man at the curb said, " Doctor ? Oh... no, I`m a patient here. But I`m in here for being crazy, not stupid"

*chuckle*
That was pretty good, docilebob.

GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde.
I speak blonde"!

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry". .. gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston".

The Statues

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male -- both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years (Naked, remember!).

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed on you. I grant you the gift of life -- albeit as a limited offer.
You have 30 minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."

And with that command, the two statues came to life.

They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment, looked all around and then at their own bodies and finally back at each other. Still smiling they then ran to the nearby woods and dived behind a large bush.

The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. Even angels knew of such things!

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.

Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
"OH, YES!", the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"

Spoiled little Danny was sent to stay with his uncle in Montana for the summer, and as the days grew on, Danny could only complain more and more. The television only had five channels out there in the middle of nowhere, and no one within 20 miles even knew what DSL was... truely a boring vacation if he'd ever seen one.

His uncle, doing as his father did to him, took the young boy out hunting on day, and returned with a rabbit and a doe. The boy loved his new hobby, and couldn't wait to bag some bigger game. The next day, he asked to borrow his uncle's old .22 rifle and go hunting alone. Thrilled that the boy was finally interested in something other than complaining and lounging, the elderly man eagerly agreed to it, and handed over his .22. Off went Danny to hunt those dangerous rabid deer...

Well after about an hour of sitting under a tree waiting for something to come by, Danny started getting jittery and trigger happy. (remember folks, this kid was just out to shoot things. Not a very smart/mature thing to do, but hey, he's a spoiled little brat thinking this was better than any video game in the world.)

Two hours. Three. Danny was beginning to really doubt that he'd bag anything today, so he decided to pack up and head out when all of a sudden he heard a rustling of the leaves behind him. He turned and what would you know, a big black bear was standing there pawing at a honey comb. Danny nearly pissed himself with excitement, took a quick and shaky aim and let a round fly. All the dust inside the barrel created a massive smoke cloud, and Danny waved furiously to see his fresh new kill. But when the dust settled, the honey comb was there, but the bear was not. He scratched his head... and felt something tap his shoulder three times.

He turned and faced the bear he'd been shooting at, his eyes welling up with tears and his pants a wee bit spoiled by this time. The bear merely looked him up and down and said, "Well, you took your shot at me... now it's my turn." (Yes, bears can talk in my world.) But instead of mauling the brat to pieces, he quickly bent him over and had his way with him, trotting off after the painful ordeal.

How dare he! Why, that was the most horrible thing he could imagine that would have happened to him! He was violated, and this called for only one thing... revenge...

So the next day, Danny asked his uncle for his shotgun, and told him that there was a bear out in the forest with his name on it (among other things...). Even more thrilled, the uncle gladly handed his 10 guage shotgun and watched with pride as the boy ran off to bag himself a bear.

After three hours of sitting under the same tree, and no sign of the bear, Danny began to nod off. It didn't seem like very long til he was awoken by the rustling of the bushes behind him. He jumped up, saw the bear, and let the shotgun ring out into the silence of the forest. Birds everywhere flew away quickly, the echo could be heard for miles, and the cloud of smoke before him was thicker than before. And when it cleared, there was no bear.

Tap tap tap.

"You know the deal little buddy, my turn!" the bear said as Danny screamed and tried to get away, but he was no match for the incredible weight of the bear. Like the day before, he did his duty and left. Danny was furious. Beyond what any video game could have ever made him, worse than missing a TV show. This was personal. He was gonna kill this friggin' bear.

Whipping out Daddy's MasterCard, Danny went to a local army surplus store and got himself an arsenal of weapons to get this bear. Big ol sniper rifle, largest calibur he could find, scope, full camo body suit, a high-hide... the whole nine yards. This bear was as good as dead.

And sure enough, Danny sat up in the tree for a good number of hours before finally spotting the bear down below.

'I gotcha now, bear. You won't get past me this time!' Danny took a careful aim, and held it for a good few minutes to make sure the round would hit. When the bear decided to sit himself down and gnarl at things, he saw his chance, pulled the trigger and...

If it were any more powerful, it would have left a crater. A shockwave flew across the land, the trees all swayed to the awesome power of this kid's gun. And when the smoke cleared... no bear. Danny broke down, crying and cursing the day he was born, and couldn't believe that he had missed the shot! There was no way! The bear had to have been atomized by that bullet!

Tap tap tap...

With teary eyes, Danny looked behind him. And there, perched on a branch, was the bear.

"You aren't doing this for the sport, are you?"

--

btw, Thanks whoever deleted that accidental second post

[This message has been edited by njuice42 (edited 10-16-2002).]

Ahah, I liked the airplane joke Shii, I've heard the Statues before, heh...

This is a great thread.

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late
at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The
first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the
bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie
on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch
it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down
one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first
mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I
can, take home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning
so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a
long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit.
I have to go home and have sex with the cat."

GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

[This message has been edited by GrythusDraconis (edited 10-18-2002).]

Okay, it's time for another Irish joke...

My pal Jim walked into the bar carrying a lump of ashphalt. He goes up to the bartender and says, "One for me, and one for the road."

Laugh now please.

I know this is late in the game:

Koala walks into a whorehouse, grabs the first hooker he sees, and takes her into a room. They do the nasty, and the koala rolls over, gets up and makes for the door.

The prostitute says "Hey, what are you doing?" <edit>misphrase there</edit>

Koala says "I'm going, why?"

Prostitute replies, slightly amused "Don't you know what a prostitute is?"

Koala: "No"

Prostitute: "Well, look it up in the dictionary."

The koala looks it up and sure enough, under prostitute, it says: "Has sex in exchange for money."

The Koala is like "Huh. Fancy that," and he starts making for the door again.

Hooker is like "Wait, where are you going?"

Koala says "Don't you know what a Koala is?"

She says no.

So he says "Go look it up in the dictionary."

So she does and it says:
"Eats bushes and leaves"



[This message has been edited by Red Ninja (edited 10-21-2002).]

got this from my mom a few days ago

Playing Trucker


A mother, frustrated at her attempts to get any house work done with her 8
year old son constantly underfoot, handed him a bag of M&M's and told him to
go outside and play.

An hour or so later, having finished the housework, she went to the window
to check on her son, to find him sitting on the front steps, the bag of M&M
s in one hand and the cat in the other.

Curious as to what he was doing, she decided to watch for a minute, only to
see her sweet little 8 year old pop a couple of M&M's in his mouth, bite the
cat and and move down a step. Heading for the door to yell at him and ask
him just what the hell he was doing, she saw him repeat the process: Pop a
couple of M&M's in his mouth, bite the cat and move down another step.

She finally made it out the door and, yelling at her son, asked him what he
was doing, to which he replied in his sweet little 8 year old voice, "I'm
playin' trucker, mommy! Poppin' pills, eatin' pussy and movin' on!!".

this has been crackin me up for days now lol

i LOVED the nun with the stamps one!!!

So this pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel stuck right up into his rectum. The bartender notices, turns, and says, "Hey pirate. You've a steering wheel stuck right up into your rectum."
The pirate turns and says, "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"

Here's one of my favorites, and I didn't see it posted so far:

A man and his wife have been married for fifty years, and they've raised nine children to adulthood. They're dining out for an elegant but private fiftieth anniversary celebration.

Man: "Dear, we've been together for fifty years, and there's nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you. But there's one thing I've always been curious about. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but it would really set my mind at rest if you could tell me."

Woman: "Oh, sweetheart, you know you can ask me anything."

Man: "Our fifth child. I love him as much as all the others, but ever since he was two it was clear to me that he didn't bear much resemblance to the rest of our family."

Woman: "No, you're right... I was afraid this day would come..."

Man: "I won't condemn you! But I have to know -- did Johnny have a different father than the rest of our children?"

Woman: "... yes."

Man: "Aha! I knew it! All right, listen, I won't do anything, but this is going to eat at me for the rest of my life if I don't ask you now! He's my son, I raised him, nothing can change that... but tell me... WHO is his biological father!?"

Woman: "... ... ... it's you."