Preserved Topic: Funniest Joke In the Asylum (Page 2 of 3)

Two elderly ladies are enjoying a nice day out with a leisurely drive in their brand new SUV. After maybe only five minutes of driving or so, they approach an intersection and cruise on through without so much as yeilding to traffic. The woman in the passenger's seat sits and thinks to herself, 'Did she just go through a red light?'

'No, that's crazy. She knows better than that.' And with that, dismissed the whole thing.

About five minutes afterwards, they fly right through another intersection. Again, the woman in the passenger's seat thinks to herself, 'I could have sworn that one was red...'

'But I'm probably just seeing things again. I'm sure it was yellow, if anything.' Again dismissing it.

Well, five minutes later, they approached another intersection. This time, the woman in the passenger's seat was intently looking for the color of the light. And what would you know, it was red as can be as they flew right through without so much as a brake.

'I knew it!' she thought to herself.

"Dear," she said, getting the attention of the elderly driver, "Why in the world are you going through all those red lights?"

"Oh my! You mean I'm driving?!"

Lol at Shi...that was great!

A man and his wife were driving along, had an acident, and died. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter met them, and said 'Before entering into heaven, I first need to check something'. He goes to the pair, and looks at them for a while, then says to the woman, 'stick out your finger.' The woman does so, and St. Peter pulls out a needle, and pricks her finger. He says 'That was for the one time that you were untrue in your marriage. You may now enter Heaven'. The wife says 'Oh, Ok...but where is my husband? I just can't leave him here.' St. Peters looks a bit worried, replies 'Oh dear, that could take awhile...he's just gone under the sewing machine...'

People in the office are looking into my cubicle like MADD...............

Ok heres one...

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting
with all the
animals
and said in a demanding voice:
"Listen up! There will be NO sex on this trip. Not
even the wetting of
the
tip of your penis. All of you males, take off your
penises and hand
them to
Jim the Monkey. He will write you a receipt. After we
see land, you can
get
your penis back."
After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife
and very excitedly
said,
"Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to
see if there is
any
land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the
window and said,
"Sorry,
no land yet."
"Shit!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up
with him.
"What is the matter with you? It's raining to end the
world, there is
no
sign of letting up, and there's no chance of finding
land."
"But we HAVE to get back to land - look!" said Mr.
Rabbit with an
impatient
look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I
GOT THE DONKEY'S
RECEIPT!"



---------------------------------------------

-- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good --

OK, this is a *nearly* true joke, at least the person who first heard my friend tell it thought so...

This guy went to handle some errands and had to park his car in a rough part of town, but that was the only place he could find. Ah well, he'd just have to be quick, right? He walked a couple of blocks before he stopped in a panic, "Ack! I left my accordion just sitting on the back seat where anyone could see it!" He ran back as fast as he could, but he could see even from a distance that it was too late - glass littered the sidewalk and his side window was broken. With dread he approached his car and sure enough, the back seat now had *two* accordions in it!

-doc-

OK, I think it's safe to say that bagpipes and accordians make for some of the best jokes. Great one Doc.

On that note...

Q: When you see someone playing the bagpipes, why are they always walking around?
A: They're trying to get away from that blasted noise.

I always liked:

The guy who invented golf and called it fun is the same guy who invented bagpipes and called it music!

i like that, because depending on which way you feel about those things in combonation, that is either a profound statement on the greatness of both of those things or a slam.

I like them both, so "what a nice statement".

quote:

---

depending on which way you feel about those things in combonation

---

Huh? Golf and bagpipes? You lost me...

you've never played the bagpipes when golfing? ... oh man, you haven't lived!

If playing the bagpipes while golfing is living, I'll take death, thank you.

I worked at a golf course while I was in university (another deep, dark secret of my past), and my manager was quite a character. Of his many memorable quotes, my favorite was "Golf isn't a sport. It's a disease."

Lest this thread be hijacked by curses visited upon us by the Scots (yes, I know bagpipes did not originate in Scotland, but it is the national instrument), how about a joke?

This was one of my dad's favorite jokes, and I'm sure a lot of you will have heard it before. It's more of a groaner than a laugher...

_______________

A man who worked at a construction company left work each day pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw. The guard at the gate would search the straw day in and day out, but he never found anything. This went on for about twenty years, and it finally came time for the man to retire. On his last day, as he had on every other day, he pushed his wheelbarrow full of straw toward the front gate. The guard stopped him, searched the straw and, as usual, found nothing.

"Look," said the guard. "These past twenty years I just know you've been stealing something every day, but I've never been able to catch you at it. I swear I won't say a word if you just tell me what it is you've been stealing. I just have to know."

The man looked at the guard and shrugged. "That's easy," he said before he walked away. "Wheelbarrows."

_______________

Wow. That was even less funny than I remembered...

-Do you race cars?
-Yes!
-So, you're a racist then?

Holiday Spirit
What did Mr Santa Claus say to Mrs Santa Claus when looking at the sky at Christmas eve?
- It looks like rain, dear!

Oldie but goodie:
- Why did president C*****n take such a long time to make the decision about Elian?
- ´Cause the last time he decided were to put a cuban, he was impeached!

And a longer one:
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue,
asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded,"Honey,
women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded
again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too,
as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother,
fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded,
"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to
talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped
off at a friend's house to play.

She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother.
The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.
The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh.
You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Wait now, I distinctly remember kriek making a thread on "favorite jokes" a long long time ago...

~Searches~

I'll edit this post if I find the thread...


_____________________
Prying open my third eye.

Nope. The only thing he posted like that was this.

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."

[This message has been edited by counterfeitbacon (edited 10-10-2002).]

that ^ aint funny at all...

your right, its not, so i replaced it with another mediocore joke...

Whoa, so you mean the first joke was even less funny than the one that's there now?

WS: That thread brings back memories...

Yes, it was <hangs head in shame>

I admit, I'm no good with jokes, partly becaues i have no good material...what I am good with, however, is audible speeking sarcasm, you know, spur of the moment sarcasm, stuff that just comes to the top of your head, so, sorry...ask izzy, the joke sucked...period...and this one does, although it did make me (kinda) (sorta) (well...not really) mumble a chuckle.

What? ... i thought that parrot one was gold!

I think it's all in how you deliver it when reading it to yourself.

I don't know, maybe my reading skills include that of impeccable timing and delivery.
I sure like to think so.

Ok here's one (no clicking the link before reading!)

A nun walks into the gynecologists office.
- Well, doctor, this is so very embarrassing...
- Don't worry sister, I can assure you that there is nothing to be embarrassed about, I've seen it all.
- Well, you see, every month, my period is sort of strange...
- How do you mean?
- I'm sure you won't believe this, but there are postage stamps in my sanitary pads.

Long silence...
- Say what? You can't be serious, that's impossible!
- Oh but yes, I'm a nun, would I lie?

The doc thinks long and hard, It sounds absolutely impossible, but since she is a nun... Maybe, just maybe it could be true. He thinks about the recognition he would get if it really was true, so he recommends the nun to return once she gets her next period and he'll get to the bottom of this.
The nun agrees.

A week later the nun is back and sure enough, she tells the doc that the stamps are back.
- This I have to see, says the doc and asks the nun to undress for the examination.
The doc takes one look, and starts to laugh so hard he falls off the chair onto the floor.
Once the laughter has died down, a very worried nun asks:
- What is it doc, is it serious???
The doc replies:
- Oh my dear nun, these are not stamps...
click...

/Dan



{cell 260}
-{ a vibration is a movement that doesn't know which way to go }-

Lol!!...Oh, that was great! Nice one, Dms...

lmao, nice one Dms.

A man on vacation in Australia walks into a pub and sits down at the bar. The man is clearly exasperated.

"What's wrong mate?" Asks the barkeep.

"You wouldn't believe it, as I was on the way here I passed a man in a field and he was fucking a sheep!"

No sooner had he finished his sentence when a man with a wooden leg limps into the bar, sits at the stool next to him, whips it out right there at the bar, and begins to flog the weasel.

"That's it! What the fuck is wrong with you people!!??"

"Hey it's a fair dinkum mate, you can't 'xpect a man with one leg to catch a sheep."

--------------------------------------------------------

Dubya and Tony Blair are talking one day to a group of people when Dubya says:

"So, my plan is to kill 30 million Muslims..." "...and a dentist."

One of the people in the group says "A dentist? Why would you want to kill a dentist?"

Dubya nudges Blair and says "see Tony, I told you no one would care about the Muslims."

--------------------------------------------------------

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are walking down a busy street when a small boy runs past them.

The priest hurriedly says "Quick! Let's go fuck that little boy."

The Rabbi replies "Out of what?"

--------------------------------------------------------

An nude elderly woman is laying on her back doing some physical therapy exercises in bed one day. She lifts her legs above her head and somehow they get tangled and stuck in the headboard.

Her husband passes by the room, looks in, and shouts:

"Jesus Ethel! Comb your hair and put your teeth back in!"

--------------------------------------------------------

Three nuns are driving down the street one day when a diminuitive Dracula lights on their window and hisses evily at them.

"Quick sister, turn on the wipers!"

The sister turns on the wipers but this only enrages the vamp and he hisses even louder.

"Hit the brakes maybe he'll fall off!"

She hits the brakes but he grabs ahold of the wiper and holds on.

"Quick sister Agnatha, show him your cross!"

Agnatha leans out and yells "GET THE FUCK OFF OUR WINDOW!"


[This message has been edited by kretsminky (edited 10-10-2002).]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

This one's kinda long but I found it humorous...

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY
752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by
weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to
plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this
is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of
time...




GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

counterfeitbacon, i said that cuz well... i couldent even read what was there.

what the devil was that?

----- BAD IZZAY! NO SIGGAY! -----

[This message has been edited by reitsma (edited 10-11-2002).]

No no no no I swear that there was a thread on favorite jokes and since Dark did a lot of 'Favorite' threads about a year ago I am more than certain he posted it and I remember that thread being one of the first threads I read here.

IT was just a joke that our German teacher gave us, I think that WebShaman or someone that knows what the language sounds like etc would think it was funnier. Its a play on the language, i found one on the internet for spanish etc etc etc

You lucky bastard. They teach German at your school. I am fucked with Spanish and French.

krets: the Dubya/Blair one killed me...

Grythus: I dunno... I guess that would be funny if I hadn't always heard that cats consider themselves to the rulers of the house. I mean, if a cat really wanted to escape, it wouldn't be all that hard.

(Spoken in a thick Irish accent)

My pal Jim went down to the golf course, and he was carrying a few pints with him. He finished off his pints, grabbed his golf club, and swung at the ball like there was no tomorrow. Anyway, a while later, this cop walks up and charged him with drink driving.

Was that one okay? Good, I'll do another in a thick Irish accent.

My pal Jim was in the pub the other day, polishing off a pint, when this bloke walked in with a giraffe. The giraffe ordered a whisky, and his pal ordered the same. Jim was watching them all night, and damn they got drunk. Eventually, the giraffe passed out on the floor, and his pal started staggering towards the door. Anyway, Jim's getting really pissed off, because this giraffe is making a horrible snoring noise, so he goes up the drunk and says to him, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there." The drunk looked my pal Jim in the eye and said, "You blind idiot, that's a giraffe!"

I think I had better stop now.

S^abaal ud T'a johtizuc^ ult'a Fedaro.

Ok, here's one of those chuckle/groan jokes:
(skip it if you've heard it!)

Two strings are out for a night on the town. They walk up to the local pub for a drink and notice there's a sign on the window that says: "No Strings Allowed".
The 1st string puffs out his chest (?!) and says, "That's discrimination! I'm gonna go in there and get me a drink!" And he storms through the door and up to the bar.
"Barkeep - get me a beer!"
The barkeep says, "Hey, aren't you a string? We don't serve strings here! Get out before I have you ejected!" (motions to a bouncer carrying a pair of scissors)
Dejectedly, String 1 slinks out of the bar.
"Man, are they ever strict in there! I can't believe this treatment!"
String 2 says, "They can't do that to us! Watch this!"
And String 2 promptly works himself into a complex yoga position and messes up his hair. He walks through the door and up to the bar and says "Barkeep, get me a beer!"
The barkeep looks suspisciously at String 2 and says "You're not a string, are you? We don't serve strings here."
String 2 replies "Nope, I'm a Frayed Knot!"

(ok, I'm sorry... it's worse than I thought...!)

Uh...yeah... Thanx for the Critique, Suho.


[This message has been edited by GrythusDraconis (edited 10-11-2002).]

haha, Grythus, loved both of those. Reminded me of one I read awhile back on "How to give your cat a bath." I'll post the link if I find it...


Option 1: How to give your cat a bath.
Option 2: Prefered method to give your cat a bath.

________________________________________________________________
-- Jack of all trades, master of that which has my attention at
the moment.

Unoriginal Cell 693

[This message has been edited by Lord_Fukutoku (edited 10-11-2002).]

ROTFLMAO!!! Those were great!! I've read the second one before but it's good to refresh my memory.

GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

Tribble with a face?

GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

GD - OK, I hear you. Next time I'll just say "That sucked."

Noticed this after I had written it.

[This message has been edited by HZR (edited 10-12-2002).]

//Off Topic//

quote:

---

You lucky bastard. They teach German at your school. I am fucked with Spanish and French

---

And Japanese, and Arabic (I forgot which one, although I remember it was the one that was predominatly spoken in Saudi Arabia)

Their thinking about taking out Arabic, because of 9/11, which I think is a stupid decision. Some kid sued the school distrivt for 2.6 million dollars and won because people taking arabic was offensive to him because his cousin died. He said that he couldn't come to school for a week because he was so upset at passing the classroom that he started crying. (Stupid fucker)

//End Off Topic//

I absolutely agree, what a fucking little twit. Speaking arabic offends him? While we're at it, people offend me when using slang and bad grammar, they should pay me massive amounts of money and then stop.

It's really fucking pathetic to see that someone who can't cope the loss of someone, has to ruin other people lives so it helps with the fact that he can't cope the the loss of someone and they still can't. Something should be done about that little prick. I'll bet he is enjoying the 2.6 main he won, I meant stole from the innocent people who also have to cope with what happened to our country.

I hope he gets no respect at that school, especially from the people who had put time and effort into earning a grade not to mention the teachers he put out of work from the Arabic classes.

Yup, stupid fucker.


_____________________
Prying open my third eye.