Preserved Topic: Funniest Joke In the Asylum

That's right, in leiu of this thread: http://www.ozoneasylum.com/Forum17/HTML/000551.html , I'd like to see everyones top couple jokes that you find the funniest. You know, the ones you've heard it a dozen times and it just gets better. The one where you've actually seen someone pee their pants because they are laughing so hard.

Rules:
1.) Don't post every joke you've ever heard. Try and keep it reasonable. If you have a page-long setup, the punchline had better be good.

2.) Use a bit of discretion in what you post (as you would in the rest of the asylum), and if it would be considered "a bit over the edge," give a bit of a warning before it saying so (that way I can read them first ).

3.) No big graphic sigs, as I'm hoping this thread will be quite long in the end. Taglines are ok.


All righty, enough rambling, on with your feeble attempts to make the rest of us writhe on the floor in uncontrolable fits of laughter.

Well, I'll get the ball rolling...

Q: What do you do if you see someone having a seizure in s bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.

Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis... er, ladder.

Q: What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
A: Half a cat.

Who knows, if this goes well, we might have a quasi-vote on which one is the best, or the most widely considered funny, or something like that. We'll just see what happens. OK, on with the madness...

*a man walks into a bar...*

oh man! those jokes always make me laugh, and i never get the hear the ending.

$ THREE'S COMPANY TOO $

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to
sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

GRASS

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."

"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."

. . : slicePuzzle

IN THE BAG

A man walks into a bar with an octopus and says, "Fifty bucks says this octopus can play any musical instrument." The first challenger steps forward with a guitar. The octopus studies it for a minute then plays a riff that would stop Hendrix in his tracks.
The next guy hands over a trumpet. Again a quick examination followed by a tune Louis Armstrong would envy.
Finally a guy strolls up to the octupus with a bagpipe. The octopus looks at it completely perplexed. Sensing he's about to lose $50, the octopus' buddy pleads, "Can't you play this thing?"
"Play it?" the octopus replies. "If I can get its pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it."


COUNT ME OUT

Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside. All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes his eye, and the inmates start chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Ok now that octopus one really got me laughing! I didn't see the punch line coming at all.

bagpipes make everything better!

ahem...
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw."

YES! Hilarious as ever!



[This message has been edited by genis (edited 10-06-2002).]

A man walks into a bar with the biggest meanest rotwieller ya ever seen, puts 5000 $ on the bar and says if anyones dog can kill mine in a fight this money is theirs.

So the firt guy steps up and gets his mastiff the dogs fight the mastiff loses

this goes on night after night, then one night a guy walks in with a chihuaha and says ok let our dogs fight, the bar explodes with laughter, the guz with the chihuaha says lets make it interesting lets make the bet 10000 $, the guy with the rottwieler wets himself laughing and agrees...

the two men and thier dogs walk out into the carpark, 15 mins later the guy with the chihuaha walks back in with all the money and no dog...

the bar tender said where's ya dog ??? and why have ya got all the money??

the man replies "easy my chihuaha killed the rottwieler"

the barman says so wheres ya dog the man replies "dead",

the barman says "How i thought it killed the other dog"

the man replies "it did, the rottwieler choked on him"

That joke sucks.

BOoOoooOoOOoooOoOOOooOoOOoOOOOoOOoo!!!

And now.....

Deep thoughts, by Jack Handy

At first when I picked up the skull in the woods, I called the police.
But then I picked up the skull and wondered, who was this person? And why did he have deer horns?

peaceful piano concerto interlude...

Instead of a seing-eye dog, why not a gun? It's cheeper, and if you walk around shooting it, people are going to get out of your way, cars too.

bliss....

I can picture a world, without war, or violence. Then I picture us obliterating that world.

more bliss...

Some people say it was a merricle that St. Francis suddenly appeared and hit the next pitch wide over the fence, but I say it was just a lucky swing.

italic seperator...

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

i'm getting bored

Mom always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Heh...

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

more bliss I guess....

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

la de do da.....

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

Getting tired of them yet? I've 2 books of them, they are a great conversational peice. Really

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

Ok last one I promiss...

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.




I love Jack Handy.

Oh I left one out, and this is one of my favorites too.

.........

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

.........

Heh.

Jack Handy is great =)

Is he a real person or just an Alias that SNL made up?

He is a real person... In the back of his books there are photo's of him.

I heard somewhere that he died of cancer but I am not so sure thats true.

In any case he is real .


_____________________
Prying open my third eye.

Stop me if you've heard this one...

Jesus checks into a hotel.

He hands the bell boy 3 nails and sais "Can you put me up for the night?"

Thanks for attempting to ruin this thread with that

i used to be pscysophrenic, but now i cant make up my minds up.

I used to be dyslexic, then i discovered smirnoff

oh yeah how do you keep an idiot in suspense..............

....still waiting.... well? So? ........ I can't wait to find out!

lol

Well, I thought this thread was going quite well until InSiDeR showed up... Coincidence? Possibly...

As for the Jack Handy "jokes," there are several real good ones, however you seemed to miss on the majority of the ones you posted... shrugs

Anyways, keep 'em coming everyone. Already have a couple real good ones up there

Hold on!!! I'm still dying to hear how to keep an idiot in suspense! tomeaglescz, where'd you go?

You have to be in just the right mood to enjoy a Jack Handy joke. =)

Bugs, if you send me an email at ignore@slimelnd.com I'll send you the punch line to that joke!

It's a deal! Finally!

[edit] Hmmm... Slime, ignore@slimelnd.com doesn't seem to be working correctly [/edit]

[This message has been edited by Bugimus (edited 10-07-2002).]

On some days, Jack Handy is shit...

But on others, well he'll kick your ass...

Why most men are not secretaries

Husband's note on refrigerator to wife:



Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst Beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.

A Guy and his Harley...

A guy goes into a Harley Davidson dealer, says 'I'd like to buy my first Harley! I've been saving for a long time, ever since I was a kid.' The dealer looks up, and after they decide on one of the 'hogs' in the dealership, the dealer says 'Ok, it's your first hog, right? Here's a little tip - before it rains, smear vaseline on the chrome parts...protects from rust...' The dealer gives him a jar of vaseline gratis.

Everythig goes well for the guy...a month after buying the Harley, he meets the girl of his dreams. After a few weeks, she invites him to her house for dinner with the family. They drive up on his Harley to the haouse, and go to the door. The girl says 'Ok, before we go in, there's one thing you should know...no matter what happens, after dinner, don't say a word...because, whoever says something first, has to do the dishes...and, as you will see, my family is quite large...' The guy nods, and they go in.

The dinner was great, and all the relatives were there...about 20+ people, in all. After dinner, silence. This kept on for about an hour. The guy was getting tired of waiting, so looked around...just silence. Finally, he decided that this just couldn't go any further and, not wanting to 'disgrace' his girlfriend before the family by saying anything, came up with a plan. Before the whole family, he reached over to his grilfriend, and pulled her face to his and kissed her, long and intimate before the others. 'That'll get a reaction', he thought. Nothing. Not even a peep. Desperate, the guy thought harder. So, he grabbed his grilfirend, threw her on the table, shoved her dress up, and before the entire assembled family, did the nasty with her . 'Now,' he thought. Still nothing. Total silence. The guy was amazed. So, thinking rapidly, he grabbed his girlfriends mother, threw her on the table, and did the deed. Still nothing. The guy was shocked. At this time, a distant sound of thunder announced a coming rainstorm. Thinking on his Harley, the guy pulled out the jar of vaseline, so that he could smear the chrome parts with it. At this time, the father stood up and said, 'Ok, that's enough. I'll do the dishes...'

roflmao, that was so fucking stupid too

I laughed at it hard, I got the joke, it was a good joke, but it was incredibly stupid IMO.

Most jokes are. *shrugs*

The point is whether or not they make one chuckle...or burst out laughing...

WS That rocked !!!!!

Insider, i thought this thread was for the jokes not you to pass judgement on what makes a good joke and what makes a bad joke...

Bugs dont worry the answer is in the mail....

Hey what do ya call a deer with only one eye .... answer no eyed deer
what ya call a deer with no legs and only one eye .... answer still no eyed deer
what ya call a dinosaur with only one eye.....answer doyathinkhesaurus


hey dont blame me these are from my g/f´s kid bro

A buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says 'make me one with everything'.

Insider: (hint)

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalotapus.



-^^-
--::--
\___/

Hmm, tom just reminded me of a couple...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? ... Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your doorstep? ... Matt.
What do you call a cow with two legs? ... Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? ... Ground beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? ... Right where you left it.


As for the other part of tom's post, I agree, let's try and refrain from posting, "Wow, that sucked" when you didn't really find a joke funny or just didn't like it or whatever. If someone wants a joke critiqued, they can post it in their cell in the FaqWiki.


And I'm kinda surprised there were as many people who hadn't heard the Harley joke before as there were, haha. Anyways, back to the jokes...

Dark in here


A woman has a lover during the day, while her husband is
at work. When her 9-year-old son comes home
unexpectedly, she puts him in the closet and shuts the
door. Then her husband comes home, so she puts her
lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

Lover Man says, "Yes, it is."

Little Boy - "I have a baseball."

Lover Man - "That's nice."

Little Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Lover Man - "No, thanks."

Little Boy - "My dad's outside."

Lover Man - "OK, how much?"

Little Boy - "$175.00"

A few weeks later, it happens again. The boy and the
lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

The lover remembering the last time says to the boy,
"Okay, how much?"

Boy - "$375.00"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and
forth." The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy responds,"$550."

The father says, "That's terrible to take advantage of your
friends like that. That is far more than those two things
cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you
confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

LMAO

Shii, that one was great!

I have to dig up my old textfile with jokes and see if I've got any english ones.

hmm... oh, i guess you can't translate wordplay jokes that well from another language.

ahem...
Alligator sits down at a bar.
Beside him is a drunken barfly who keeps yelling at him about how crocodiles are better.
She is so annoying, he finally swallows her whole just to shut her up.
Then he turns to the bartender and asks for a pint.
Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
"What you don't serve Alligators?!" the Alligator says, outraged.
"No, we don't serve druggies." replies the bartender.
"What? I'm not a druggie!" says the Alligator.
"Oh yeah?" questions the bartender."What about that bar-bitch-u-ate?"

ahh... classic.

A leprechaun walks into a bar and he's got a steering wheel hanging off of his dick.
The people inquire as to how the steering wheel got on there, to which the leprechaun replies,
"I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

Ha! Oh man.... great stuff.

A man walking into a bar overhears two men talking.

"I'm serious, You can jump off the building across the street and the updraft will put you right back on the roof."

The man who just walked in jumps into the conversation, "You have to be kidding me. There is no way that can be true."

The first man replies, "You wanna bet?! I'll prove it to you. George here will be our witness."

So the three men truck over to the building across the street and climb up to the stair to the roof.

"Okay... let me see you do it then."

So the guy who had been talking in the bar jumps off the roof and sure enough he swoops back up into the air and lands right where he jumped off.

The other guy stares in disbelief, "Do that again!! I can't believe that. There has to be a rope or something."

"Go ahead check me out. I'm not tied to anything."

After checking to be sure that the man wasn't cheating he lets him jump again, and again he lands right where he jumped off the roof.

"Oh man!! I gotta try this."

The man turns and jumps off the roof. Down, down, down, he goes.... SPLAT!!!!

George turns to the man from the bar and says, "You sure can be an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS.

So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would
be a woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle
of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history


-^^-
--::--
\___/

Well, since InSiDeR brought up Jack Handy lines, I thought I'd trot out my favorite. When I was in university I lived right above the "environmental floor" (they had modules back then where people with like interests could live together). So we chose a nice Jack Handy quote and made a big poster for them:

If trees could scream, maybe we wouldn't be so cavalier about cutting them down.
Then again, maybe not, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

That's my personal favorite...

Anyway, some of the jokes in this thread are hysterical. This one is definitely going in my "favorite threads" list.

Cell 270

Two elderly ladies are enjoying a nice day out with a leisurely drive in their brand new SUV. After maybe only five minutes of driving or so, they approach an intersection and cruise on through without so much as yeilding to traffic. The woman in the passenger's seat sits and thinks to herself, 'Did she just go through a red light?'

'No, that's crazy. She knows better than that.' And with that, dismissed the whole thing.

About five minutes afterwards, they fly right through another intersection. Again, the woman in the passenger's seat thinks to herself, 'I could have sworn that one was red...'

'But I'm probably just seeing things again. I'm sure it was yellow, if anything.' Again dismissing it.

Well, five minutes later, they approached another intersection. This time, the woman in the passenger's seat was intently looking for the color of the light. And what would you know, it was red as can be as they flew right through without so much as a brake.

'I knew it!' she thought to herself.

"Dear," she said, getting the attention of the elderly driver, "Why in the world are you going through all those red lights?"

"Oh my! You mean I'm driving?!"

Lol at Shi...that was great!

A man and his wife were driving along, had an acident, and died. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter met them, and said 'Before entering into heaven, I first need to check something'. He goes to the pair, and looks at them for a while, then says to the woman, 'stick out your finger.' The woman does so, and St. Peter pulls out a needle, and pricks her finger. He says 'That was for the one time that you were untrue in your marriage. You may now enter Heaven'. The wife says 'Oh, Ok...but where is my husband? I just can't leave him here.' St. Peters looks a bit worried, replies 'Oh dear, that could take awhile...he's just gone under the sewing machine...'

People in the office are looking into my cubicle like MADD...............

Ok heres one...

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting
with all the
animals
and said in a demanding voice:
"Listen up! There will be NO sex on this trip. Not
even the wetting of
the
tip of your penis. All of you males, take off your
penises and hand
them to
Jim the Monkey. He will write you a receipt. After we
see land, you can
get
your penis back."
After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife
and very excitedly
said,
"Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to
see if there is
any
land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the
window and said,
"Sorry,
no land yet."
"Shit!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up
with him.
"What is the matter with you? It's raining to end the
world, there is
no
sign of letting up, and there's no chance of finding
land."
"But we HAVE to get back to land - look!" said Mr.
Rabbit with an
impatient
look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I
GOT THE DONKEY'S
RECEIPT!"



---------------------------------------------

-- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good --

OK, this is a *nearly* true joke, at least the person who first heard my friend tell it thought so...

This guy went to handle some errands and had to park his car in a rough part of town, but that was the only place he could find. Ah well, he'd just have to be quick, right? He walked a couple of blocks before he stopped in a panic, "Ack! I left my accordion just sitting on the back seat where anyone could see it!" He ran back as fast as he could, but he could see even from a distance that it was too late - glass littered the sidewalk and his side window was broken. With dread he approached his car and sure enough, the back seat now had *two* accordions in it!

-doc-

OK, I think it's safe to say that bagpipes and accordians make for some of the best jokes. Great one Doc.

On that note...

Q: When you see someone playing the bagpipes, why are they always walking around?
A: They're trying to get away from that blasted noise.

I always liked:

The guy who invented golf and called it fun is the same guy who invented bagpipes and called it music!

i like that, because depending on which way you feel about those things in combonation, that is either a profound statement on the greatness of both of those things or a slam.

I like them both, so "what a nice statement".

quote:

---

depending on which way you feel about those things in combonation

---

Huh? Golf and bagpipes? You lost me...

you've never played the bagpipes when golfing? ... oh man, you haven't lived!

If playing the bagpipes while golfing is living, I'll take death, thank you.

I worked at a golf course while I was in university (another deep, dark secret of my past), and my manager was quite a character. Of his many memorable quotes, my favorite was "Golf isn't a sport. It's a disease."

Lest this thread be hijacked by curses visited upon us by the Scots (yes, I know bagpipes did not originate in Scotland, but it is the national instrument), how about a joke?

This was one of my dad's favorite jokes, and I'm sure a lot of you will have heard it before. It's more of a groaner than a laugher...

_______________

A man who worked at a construction company left work each day pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw. The guard at the gate would search the straw day in and day out, but he never found anything. This went on for about twenty years, and it finally came time for the man to retire. On his last day, as he had on every other day, he pushed his wheelbarrow full of straw toward the front gate. The guard stopped him, searched the straw and, as usual, found nothing.

"Look," said the guard. "These past twenty years I just know you've been stealing something every day, but I've never been able to catch you at it. I swear I won't say a word if you just tell me what it is you've been stealing. I just have to know."

The man looked at the guard and shrugged. "That's easy," he said before he walked away. "Wheelbarrows."

_______________

Wow. That was even less funny than I remembered...

-Do you race cars?
-Yes!
-So, you're a racist then?

Holiday Spirit
What did Mr Santa Claus say to Mrs Santa Claus when looking at the sky at Christmas eve?
- It looks like rain, dear!

Oldie but goodie:
- Why did president C*****n take such a long time to make the decision about Elian?
- ´Cause the last time he decided were to put a cuban, he was impeached!

And a longer one:
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue,
asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded,"Honey,
women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded
again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too,
as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother,
fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded,
"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to
talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped
off at a friend's house to play.

She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother.
The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.
The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh.
You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Wait now, I distinctly remember kriek making a thread on "favorite jokes" a long long time ago...

~Searches~

I'll edit this post if I find the thread...


_____________________
Prying open my third eye.

Nope. The only thing he posted like that was this.

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."

[This message has been edited by counterfeitbacon (edited 10-10-2002).]

that ^ aint funny at all...

your right, its not, so i replaced it with another mediocore joke...

Whoa, so you mean the first joke was even less funny than the one that's there now?

WS: That thread brings back memories...

Yes, it was <hangs head in shame>

I admit, I'm no good with jokes, partly becaues i have no good material...what I am good with, however, is audible speeking sarcasm, you know, spur of the moment sarcasm, stuff that just comes to the top of your head, so, sorry...ask izzy, the joke sucked...period...and this one does, although it did make me (kinda) (sorta) (well...not really) mumble a chuckle.

What? ... i thought that parrot one was gold!

I think it's all in how you deliver it when reading it to yourself.

I don't know, maybe my reading skills include that of impeccable timing and delivery.
I sure like to think so.

Ok here's one (no clicking the link before reading!)

A nun walks into the gynecologists office.
- Well, doctor, this is so very embarrassing...
- Don't worry sister, I can assure you that there is nothing to be embarrassed about, I've seen it all.
- Well, you see, every month, my period is sort of strange...
- How do you mean?
- I'm sure you won't believe this, but there are postage stamps in my sanitary pads.

Long silence...
- Say what? You can't be serious, that's impossible!
- Oh but yes, I'm a nun, would I lie?

The doc thinks long and hard, It sounds absolutely impossible, but since she is a nun... Maybe, just maybe it could be true. He thinks about the recognition he would get if it really was true, so he recommends the nun to return once she gets her next period and he'll get to the bottom of this.
The nun agrees.

A week later the nun is back and sure enough, she tells the doc that the stamps are back.
- This I have to see, says the doc and asks the nun to undress for the examination.
The doc takes one look, and starts to laugh so hard he falls off the chair onto the floor.
Once the laughter has died down, a very worried nun asks:
- What is it doc, is it serious???
The doc replies:
- Oh my dear nun, these are not stamps...
click...

/Dan



{cell 260}
-{ a vibration is a movement that doesn't know which way to go }-

Lol!!...Oh, that was great! Nice one, Dms...

lmao, nice one Dms.

A man on vacation in Australia walks into a pub and sits down at the bar. The man is clearly exasperated.

"What's wrong mate?" Asks the barkeep.

"You wouldn't believe it, as I was on the way here I passed a man in a field and he was fucking a sheep!"

No sooner had he finished his sentence when a man with a wooden leg limps into the bar, sits at the stool next to him, whips it out right there at the bar, and begins to flog the weasel.

"That's it! What the fuck is wrong with you people!!??"

"Hey it's a fair dinkum mate, you can't 'xpect a man with one leg to catch a sheep."

--------------------------------------------------------

Dubya and Tony Blair are talking one day to a group of people when Dubya says:

"So, my plan is to kill 30 million Muslims..." "...and a dentist."

One of the people in the group says "A dentist? Why would you want to kill a dentist?"

Dubya nudges Blair and says "see Tony, I told you no one would care about the Muslims."

--------------------------------------------------------

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are walking down a busy street when a small boy runs past them.

The priest hurriedly says "Quick! Let's go fuck that little boy."

The Rabbi replies "Out of what?"

--------------------------------------------------------

An nude elderly woman is laying on her back doing some physical therapy exercises in bed one day. She lifts her legs above her head and somehow they get tangled and stuck in the headboard.

Her husband passes by the room, looks in, and shouts:

"Jesus Ethel! Comb your hair and put your teeth back in!"

--------------------------------------------------------

Three nuns are driving down the street one day when a diminuitive Dracula lights on their window and hisses evily at them.

"Quick sister, turn on the wipers!"

The sister turns on the wipers but this only enrages the vamp and he hisses even louder.

"Hit the brakes maybe he'll fall off!"

She hits the brakes but he grabs ahold of the wiper and holds on.

"Quick sister Agnatha, show him your cross!"

Agnatha leans out and yells "GET THE FUCK OFF OUR WINDOW!"


[This message has been edited by kretsminky (edited 10-10-2002).]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

This one's kinda long but I found it humorous...

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY
752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by
weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to
plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this
is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of
time...




GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

counterfeitbacon, i said that cuz well... i couldent even read what was there.

what the devil was that?

----- BAD IZZAY! NO SIGGAY! -----

[This message has been edited by reitsma (edited 10-11-2002).]

No no no no I swear that there was a thread on favorite jokes and since Dark did a lot of 'Favorite' threads about a year ago I am more than certain he posted it and I remember that thread being one of the first threads I read here.

IT was just a joke that our German teacher gave us, I think that WebShaman or someone that knows what the language sounds like etc would think it was funnier. Its a play on the language, i found one on the internet for spanish etc etc etc

You lucky bastard. They teach German at your school. I am fucked with Spanish and French.

krets: the Dubya/Blair one killed me...

Grythus: I dunno... I guess that would be funny if I hadn't always heard that cats consider themselves to the rulers of the house. I mean, if a cat really wanted to escape, it wouldn't be all that hard.

(Spoken in a thick Irish accent)

My pal Jim went down to the golf course, and he was carrying a few pints with him. He finished off his pints, grabbed his golf club, and swung at the ball like there was no tomorrow. Anyway, a while later, this cop walks up and charged him with drink driving.

Was that one okay? Good, I'll do another in a thick Irish accent.

My pal Jim was in the pub the other day, polishing off a pint, when this bloke walked in with a giraffe. The giraffe ordered a whisky, and his pal ordered the same. Jim was watching them all night, and damn they got drunk. Eventually, the giraffe passed out on the floor, and his pal started staggering towards the door. Anyway, Jim's getting really pissed off, because this giraffe is making a horrible snoring noise, so he goes up the drunk and says to him, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there." The drunk looked my pal Jim in the eye and said, "You blind idiot, that's a giraffe!"

I think I had better stop now.

S^abaal ud T'a johtizuc^ ult'a Fedaro.

Ok, here's one of those chuckle/groan jokes:
(skip it if you've heard it!)

Two strings are out for a night on the town. They walk up to the local pub for a drink and notice there's a sign on the window that says: "No Strings Allowed".
The 1st string puffs out his chest (?!) and says, "That's discrimination! I'm gonna go in there and get me a drink!" And he storms through the door and up to the bar.
"Barkeep - get me a beer!"
The barkeep says, "Hey, aren't you a string? We don't serve strings here! Get out before I have you ejected!" (motions to a bouncer carrying a pair of scissors)
Dejectedly, String 1 slinks out of the bar.
"Man, are they ever strict in there! I can't believe this treatment!"
String 2 says, "They can't do that to us! Watch this!"
And String 2 promptly works himself into a complex yoga position and messes up his hair. He walks through the door and up to the bar and says "Barkeep, get me a beer!"
The barkeep looks suspisciously at String 2 and says "You're not a string, are you? We don't serve strings here."
String 2 replies "Nope, I'm a Frayed Knot!"

(ok, I'm sorry... it's worse than I thought...!)

Uh...yeah... Thanx for the Critique, Suho.


[This message has been edited by GrythusDraconis (edited 10-11-2002).]

haha, Grythus, loved both of those. Reminded me of one I read awhile back on "How to give your cat a bath." I'll post the link if I find it...


Option 1: How to give your cat a bath.
Option 2: Prefered method to give your cat a bath.

________________________________________________________________
-- Jack of all trades, master of that which has my attention at
the moment.

Unoriginal Cell 693

[This message has been edited by Lord_Fukutoku (edited 10-11-2002).]

ROTFLMAO!!! Those were great!! I've read the second one before but it's good to refresh my memory.

GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

Tribble with a face?

GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

GD - OK, I hear you. Next time I'll just say "That sucked."

Noticed this after I had written it.

[This message has been edited by HZR (edited 10-12-2002).]

//Off Topic//

quote:

---

You lucky bastard. They teach German at your school. I am fucked with Spanish and French

---

And Japanese, and Arabic (I forgot which one, although I remember it was the one that was predominatly spoken in Saudi Arabia)

Their thinking about taking out Arabic, because of 9/11, which I think is a stupid decision. Some kid sued the school distrivt for 2.6 million dollars and won because people taking arabic was offensive to him because his cousin died. He said that he couldn't come to school for a week because he was so upset at passing the classroom that he started crying. (Stupid fucker)

//End Off Topic//

I absolutely agree, what a fucking little twit. Speaking arabic offends him? While we're at it, people offend me when using slang and bad grammar, they should pay me massive amounts of money and then stop.

It's really fucking pathetic to see that someone who can't cope the loss of someone, has to ruin other people lives so it helps with the fact that he can't cope the the loss of someone and they still can't. Something should be done about that little prick. I'll bet he is enjoying the 2.6 main he won, I meant stole from the innocent people who also have to cope with what happened to our country.

I hope he gets no respect at that school, especially from the people who had put time and effort into earning a grade not to mention the teachers he put out of work from the Arabic classes.

Yup, stupid fucker.


_____________________
Prying open my third eye.

OK, deep breath... now look up at the top of the page. What's the title of this thread again?

~lol~

Honestly I forgot what thread I was posting in when I posted my last message heh.

Back on topic now...

Ahh yes back when I was a christian, our minister (catholic) told us a humurous joke about a man and faith.

Ok.

A man is sitting in his house during a flood, there is water through the streets and it keeps rising.

He is on his porch when a rescue unit comes along on a jetski in the road and says:

"Get on the back I wil drive you to the nearest shelter."

The man on his porch replied:

"No thankyou, God will save me I put my faith in him."

The man on the jetski just nods and goes on. It is still pouring rain and the water rises a whole story! So he is on his balcany to his second floor, waiting. Another rescue unit on a steam boat comes by and says:

"Sir you have to get on the rain is still coming down it may get even higher!"

But the man sighed and simply replied with:

"No thank you sir, my life is in Gods hands now he will save me."

So the man on the boat just nods and goes on. And guess what? It's still pouring rain! It has now rained to the point where the man is on the roof of his house. And now a helicopter comes by. A man with an amplihorn in his hand leans down and says:

"Sir! Climb this ladder and you will be alright!"

Then, the man shouts at the top of his lungs over the sound of the helicopter:

"No sir! I am not in need of your aid! God will save me and I will be alright!"

Well that said the helicopter leaves, the water rises, and the man drowns.

So his soul finally reaches heaven, he talks to St. Peter and demands to see God. Sure enough God appears out of a few clouds. The man says:

"Where were you? I drowned! You were supposed to save me!"

God nods and says:

"Where was I? Where were you!? I sent you a Jet Ski, a Boat, and a Helicopter!"

A petty farmer named Muldoon lived alone in his little shack on the countryside
with his pet dog, Muldoon loved his dog very much, and he was devestated when
it died.

Muldoon, being a good Catholic, Muldoon went to his priest and said: "Father, my
dear old dog is dead, could you please say a mass for the poor creature?"
The Father replyed: "I am very sorry to hear about your dogs death, and would be
happy to offer you counseling and support, but, unfortuanatly, we don't recognize
animals as having souls and whatnot, so I'm afraid I can't do a mass for your dog."

Muldoon says: "You know, theirs a new denomination down the road, and theirs no
telling what they beleive, maybe they'll offer to do a mass for my dog, so,
you know, I'll think I'll be going now, unless of course, the dog could suddenly become
Catholic for, oh, $500."

Priest: "500! - You never told me the dog was catholic!"

==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==

Ok, so it's kinda lame, more of a poke at the Catholic religion than anything else

Hey - Copy and Paste jokes:

A Newbridge man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of "Olympic condoms."
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made.
" Olympic condoms? " , she blurts, " What makes them so special?
There are three colours " , he replies, " Gold, Silver and Bronze. "
What colour are you going to wear tonight? " , she asks cheekily.
" Gold of course " , says the Newbridge man proudly.
The wife responds " Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if
you came second for a change!" .

-----------------------

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified,
he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about
to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For fXXX's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's
going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging
a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself in the bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with
only one leg to catch a sheep"

--------------------------

An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's
pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story.
I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's
in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

"So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle.
The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."

"That's impossible Doc! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

"Exactly" replied the Doctor.

--------------------

Well, the Catholic joke and the sheep joke were already posted above somewhere...

After the grade-school class comes back inside, the teacher asks Alice, "What did you do at recess?"
Alice replys, "I played in the sandbox."
"That' nice," the teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write sand correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie. Alice does, and she gets a cookie.
Then the teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played in the sandbox with Alice."
The teacher says, "Good. If you can write box on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." Billy writes the word, and he hest a cookie.
The teacher then asks Mustafa Abdul what he did at recess.
"I tried to play with Alice and Billy," Mustafa answers, "but they threw rocks at me."
"They threw rocks at you? Tht sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" the teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write blatant racial discrimination, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

[This message has been edited by Lord_Fukutoku (edited 10-14-2002).]

A man driving to an important appointment, in a hurry of course, all of a sudden a tire goes flat. He brings the car under control, pulls over to the curb and stops. He realises that he is in front of the Mental Hospital and there is a man standing near the curb in a white coat. His mild fear is overcome by the urgency of his situation, so he gets out and changes the tire, carefully placing the lug nuts in the hubcab. As he is just ready to put the spare on, he drops the lug wrench, flipping the hubcap over and loses all the lugnuts down the storm drain. His screams of frustration bring the man at the curb nearer. He says, " Problem, Mister ?" To which the driver explains all that has happened and how screwed he is. " I`ll never make that appointment, now. The most important of my life."
The man at the curb says, " Why don`t you use one lug nut off of each of the other wheels just to get you to your appointment ? Then you can affect complete repairs later." The driver replies, " That`s brilliant. I have to admit, doctor, I was a bit concerned about getting out here in front of the ...Hospital. Thank you so much."
The man at the curb said, " Doctor ? Oh... no, I`m a patient here. But I`m in here for being crazy, not stupid"

*chuckle*
That was pretty good, docilebob.

GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde.
I speak blonde"!

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry". .. gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston".

The Statues

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male -- both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years (Naked, remember!).

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years. I am hereby authorized by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed on you. I grant you the gift of life -- albeit as a limited offer.
You have 30 minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."

And with that command, the two statues came to life.

They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment, looked all around and then at their own bodies and finally back at each other. Still smiling they then ran to the nearby woods and dived behind a large bush.

The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. Even angels knew of such things!

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.

Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
"OH, YES!", the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"

Spoiled little Danny was sent to stay with his uncle in Montana for the summer, and as the days grew on, Danny could only complain more and more. The television only had five channels out there in the middle of nowhere, and no one within 20 miles even knew what DSL was... truely a boring vacation if he'd ever seen one.

His uncle, doing as his father did to him, took the young boy out hunting on day, and returned with a rabbit and a doe. The boy loved his new hobby, and couldn't wait to bag some bigger game. The next day, he asked to borrow his uncle's old .22 rifle and go hunting alone. Thrilled that the boy was finally interested in something other than complaining and lounging, the elderly man eagerly agreed to it, and handed over his .22. Off went Danny to hunt those dangerous rabid deer...

Well after about an hour of sitting under a tree waiting for something to come by, Danny started getting jittery and trigger happy. (remember folks, this kid was just out to shoot things. Not a very smart/mature thing to do, but hey, he's a spoiled little brat thinking this was better than any video game in the world.)

Two hours. Three. Danny was beginning to really doubt that he'd bag anything today, so he decided to pack up and head out when all of a sudden he heard a rustling of the leaves behind him. He turned and what would you know, a big black bear was standing there pawing at a honey comb. Danny nearly pissed himself with excitement, took a quick and shaky aim and let a round fly. All the dust inside the barrel created a massive smoke cloud, and Danny waved furiously to see his fresh new kill. But when the dust settled, the honey comb was there, but the bear was not. He scratched his head... and felt something tap his shoulder three times.

He turned and faced the bear he'd been shooting at, his eyes welling up with tears and his pants a wee bit spoiled by this time. The bear merely looked him up and down and said, "Well, you took your shot at me... now it's my turn." (Yes, bears can talk in my world.) But instead of mauling the brat to pieces, he quickly bent him over and had his way with him, trotting off after the painful ordeal.

How dare he! Why, that was the most horrible thing he could imagine that would have happened to him! He was violated, and this called for only one thing... revenge...

So the next day, Danny asked his uncle for his shotgun, and told him that there was a bear out in the forest with his name on it (among other things...). Even more thrilled, the uncle gladly handed his 10 guage shotgun and watched with pride as the boy ran off to bag himself a bear.

After three hours of sitting under the same tree, and no sign of the bear, Danny began to nod off. It didn't seem like very long til he was awoken by the rustling of the bushes behind him. He jumped up, saw the bear, and let the shotgun ring out into the silence of the forest. Birds everywhere flew away quickly, the echo could be heard for miles, and the cloud of smoke before him was thicker than before. And when it cleared, there was no bear.

Tap tap tap.

"You know the deal little buddy, my turn!" the bear said as Danny screamed and tried to get away, but he was no match for the incredible weight of the bear. Like the day before, he did his duty and left. Danny was furious. Beyond what any video game could have ever made him, worse than missing a TV show. This was personal. He was gonna kill this friggin' bear.

Whipping out Daddy's MasterCard, Danny went to a local army surplus store and got himself an arsenal of weapons to get this bear. Big ol sniper rifle, largest calibur he could find, scope, full camo body suit, a high-hide... the whole nine yards. This bear was as good as dead.

And sure enough, Danny sat up in the tree for a good number of hours before finally spotting the bear down below.

'I gotcha now, bear. You won't get past me this time!' Danny took a careful aim, and held it for a good few minutes to make sure the round would hit. When the bear decided to sit himself down and gnarl at things, he saw his chance, pulled the trigger and...

If it were any more powerful, it would have left a crater. A shockwave flew across the land, the trees all swayed to the awesome power of this kid's gun. And when the smoke cleared... no bear. Danny broke down, crying and cursing the day he was born, and couldn't believe that he had missed the shot! There was no way! The bear had to have been atomized by that bullet!

Tap tap tap...

With teary eyes, Danny looked behind him. And there, perched on a branch, was the bear.

"You aren't doing this for the sport, are you?"

--

btw, Thanks whoever deleted that accidental second post

[This message has been edited by njuice42 (edited 10-16-2002).]

Ahah, I liked the airplane joke Shii, I've heard the Statues before, heh...

This is a great thread.

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late
at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The
first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the
bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie
on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch
it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down
one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first
mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I
can, take home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning
so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a
long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit.
I have to go home and have sex with the cat."

GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

[This message has been edited by GrythusDraconis (edited 10-18-2002).]

Okay, it's time for another Irish joke...

My pal Jim walked into the bar carrying a lump of ashphalt. He goes up to the bartender and says, "One for me, and one for the road."

Laugh now please.

I know this is late in the game:

Koala walks into a whorehouse, grabs the first hooker he sees, and takes her into a room. They do the nasty, and the koala rolls over, gets up and makes for the door.

The prostitute says "Hey, what are you doing?" <edit>misphrase there</edit>

Koala says "I'm going, why?"

Prostitute replies, slightly amused "Don't you know what a prostitute is?"

Koala: "No"

Prostitute: "Well, look it up in the dictionary."

The koala looks it up and sure enough, under prostitute, it says: "Has sex in exchange for money."

The Koala is like "Huh. Fancy that," and he starts making for the door again.

Hooker is like "Wait, where are you going?"

Koala says "Don't you know what a Koala is?"

She says no.

So he says "Go look it up in the dictionary."

So she does and it says:
"Eats bushes and leaves"



[This message has been edited by Red Ninja (edited 10-21-2002).]

got this from my mom a few days ago

Playing Trucker


A mother, frustrated at her attempts to get any house work done with her 8
year old son constantly underfoot, handed him a bag of M&M's and told him to
go outside and play.

An hour or so later, having finished the housework, she went to the window
to check on her son, to find him sitting on the front steps, the bag of M&M
s in one hand and the cat in the other.

Curious as to what he was doing, she decided to watch for a minute, only to
see her sweet little 8 year old pop a couple of M&M's in his mouth, bite the
cat and and move down a step. Heading for the door to yell at him and ask
him just what the hell he was doing, she saw him repeat the process: Pop a
couple of M&M's in his mouth, bite the cat and move down another step.

She finally made it out the door and, yelling at her son, asked him what he
was doing, to which he replied in his sweet little 8 year old voice, "I'm
playin' trucker, mommy! Poppin' pills, eatin' pussy and movin' on!!".

this has been crackin me up for days now lol

i LOVED the nun with the stamps one!!!

So this pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel stuck right up into his rectum. The bartender notices, turns, and says, "Hey pirate. You've a steering wheel stuck right up into your rectum."
The pirate turns and says, "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"

Here's one of my favorites, and I didn't see it posted so far:

A man and his wife have been married for fifty years, and they've raised nine children to adulthood. They're dining out for an elegant but private fiftieth anniversary celebration.

Man: "Dear, we've been together for fifty years, and there's nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you. But there's one thing I've always been curious about. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but it would really set my mind at rest if you could tell me."

Woman: "Oh, sweetheart, you know you can ask me anything."

Man: "Our fifth child. I love him as much as all the others, but ever since he was two it was clear to me that he didn't bear much resemblance to the rest of our family."

Woman: "No, you're right... I was afraid this day would come..."

Man: "I won't condemn you! But I have to know -- did Johnny have a different father than the rest of our children?"

Woman: "... yes."

Man: "Aha! I knew it! All right, listen, I won't do anything, but this is going to eat at me for the rest of my life if I don't ask you now! He's my son, I raised him, nothing can change that... but tell me... WHO is his biological father!?"

Woman: "... ... ... it's you."