Preserved Topic: Funniest Joke In the Asylum (Page 1 of 3)

That's right, in leiu of this thread: http://www.ozoneasylum.com/Forum17/HTML/000551.html , I'd like to see everyones top couple jokes that you find the funniest. You know, the ones you've heard it a dozen times and it just gets better. The one where you've actually seen someone pee their pants because they are laughing so hard.

Rules:
1.) Don't post every joke you've ever heard. Try and keep it reasonable. If you have a page-long setup, the punchline had better be good.

2.) Use a bit of discretion in what you post (as you would in the rest of the asylum), and if it would be considered "a bit over the edge," give a bit of a warning before it saying so (that way I can read them first ).

3.) No big graphic sigs, as I'm hoping this thread will be quite long in the end. Taglines are ok.


All righty, enough rambling, on with your feeble attempts to make the rest of us writhe on the floor in uncontrolable fits of laughter.

Well, I'll get the ball rolling...

Q: What do you do if you see someone having a seizure in s bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.

Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis... er, ladder.

Q: What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
A: Half a cat.

Who knows, if this goes well, we might have a quasi-vote on which one is the best, or the most widely considered funny, or something like that. We'll just see what happens. OK, on with the madness...

*a man walks into a bar...*

oh man! those jokes always make me laugh, and i never get the hear the ending.

$ THREE'S COMPANY TOO $

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to
sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

GRASS

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."

"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."

. . : slicePuzzle

IN THE BAG

A man walks into a bar with an octopus and says, "Fifty bucks says this octopus can play any musical instrument." The first challenger steps forward with a guitar. The octopus studies it for a minute then plays a riff that would stop Hendrix in his tracks.
The next guy hands over a trumpet. Again a quick examination followed by a tune Louis Armstrong would envy.
Finally a guy strolls up to the octupus with a bagpipe. The octopus looks at it completely perplexed. Sensing he's about to lose $50, the octopus' buddy pleads, "Can't you play this thing?"
"Play it?" the octopus replies. "If I can get its pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it."


COUNT ME OUT

Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside. All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes his eye, and the inmates start chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Ok now that octopus one really got me laughing! I didn't see the punch line coming at all.

bagpipes make everything better!

ahem...
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw."

YES! Hilarious as ever!



[This message has been edited by genis (edited 10-06-2002).]

A man walks into a bar with the biggest meanest rotwieller ya ever seen, puts 5000 $ on the bar and says if anyones dog can kill mine in a fight this money is theirs.

So the firt guy steps up and gets his mastiff the dogs fight the mastiff loses

this goes on night after night, then one night a guy walks in with a chihuaha and says ok let our dogs fight, the bar explodes with laughter, the guz with the chihuaha says lets make it interesting lets make the bet 10000 $, the guy with the rottwieler wets himself laughing and agrees...

the two men and thier dogs walk out into the carpark, 15 mins later the guy with the chihuaha walks back in with all the money and no dog...

the bar tender said where's ya dog ??? and why have ya got all the money??

the man replies "easy my chihuaha killed the rottwieler"

the barman says so wheres ya dog the man replies "dead",

the barman says "How i thought it killed the other dog"

the man replies "it did, the rottwieler choked on him"

That joke sucks.

BOoOoooOoOOoooOoOOOooOoOOoOOOOoOOoo!!!

And now.....

Deep thoughts, by Jack Handy

At first when I picked up the skull in the woods, I called the police.
But then I picked up the skull and wondered, who was this person? And why did he have deer horns?

peaceful piano concerto interlude...

Instead of a seing-eye dog, why not a gun? It's cheeper, and if you walk around shooting it, people are going to get out of your way, cars too.

bliss....

I can picture a world, without war, or violence. Then I picture us obliterating that world.

more bliss...

Some people say it was a merricle that St. Francis suddenly appeared and hit the next pitch wide over the fence, but I say it was just a lucky swing.

italic seperator...

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

i'm getting bored

Mom always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Heh...

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

more bliss I guess....

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

la de do da.....

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

Getting tired of them yet? I've 2 books of them, they are a great conversational peice. Really

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

Ok last one I promiss...

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.




I love Jack Handy.

Oh I left one out, and this is one of my favorites too.

.........

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

.........

Heh.

Jack Handy is great =)

Is he a real person or just an Alias that SNL made up?

He is a real person... In the back of his books there are photo's of him.

I heard somewhere that he died of cancer but I am not so sure thats true.

In any case he is real .


_____________________
Prying open my third eye.

Stop me if you've heard this one...

Jesus checks into a hotel.

He hands the bell boy 3 nails and sais "Can you put me up for the night?"

Thanks for attempting to ruin this thread with that

i used to be pscysophrenic, but now i cant make up my minds up.

I used to be dyslexic, then i discovered smirnoff

oh yeah how do you keep an idiot in suspense..............

....still waiting.... well? So? ........ I can't wait to find out!

lol

Well, I thought this thread was going quite well until InSiDeR showed up... Coincidence? Possibly...

As for the Jack Handy "jokes," there are several real good ones, however you seemed to miss on the majority of the ones you posted... shrugs

Anyways, keep 'em coming everyone. Already have a couple real good ones up there

Hold on!!! I'm still dying to hear how to keep an idiot in suspense! tomeaglescz, where'd you go?

You have to be in just the right mood to enjoy a Jack Handy joke. =)

Bugs, if you send me an email at ignore@slimelnd.com I'll send you the punch line to that joke!

It's a deal! Finally!

[edit] Hmmm... Slime, ignore@slimelnd.com doesn't seem to be working correctly [/edit]

[This message has been edited by Bugimus (edited 10-07-2002).]

On some days, Jack Handy is shit...

But on others, well he'll kick your ass...

Why most men are not secretaries

Husband's note on refrigerator to wife:



Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst Beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.

A Guy and his Harley...

A guy goes into a Harley Davidson dealer, says 'I'd like to buy my first Harley! I've been saving for a long time, ever since I was a kid.' The dealer looks up, and after they decide on one of the 'hogs' in the dealership, the dealer says 'Ok, it's your first hog, right? Here's a little tip - before it rains, smear vaseline on the chrome parts...protects from rust...' The dealer gives him a jar of vaseline gratis.

Everythig goes well for the guy...a month after buying the Harley, he meets the girl of his dreams. After a few weeks, she invites him to her house for dinner with the family. They drive up on his Harley to the haouse, and go to the door. The girl says 'Ok, before we go in, there's one thing you should know...no matter what happens, after dinner, don't say a word...because, whoever says something first, has to do the dishes...and, as you will see, my family is quite large...' The guy nods, and they go in.

The dinner was great, and all the relatives were there...about 20+ people, in all. After dinner, silence. This kept on for about an hour. The guy was getting tired of waiting, so looked around...just silence. Finally, he decided that this just couldn't go any further and, not wanting to 'disgrace' his girlfriend before the family by saying anything, came up with a plan. Before the whole family, he reached over to his grilfriend, and pulled her face to his and kissed her, long and intimate before the others. 'That'll get a reaction', he thought. Nothing. Not even a peep. Desperate, the guy thought harder. So, he grabbed his grilfirend, threw her on the table, shoved her dress up, and before the entire assembled family, did the nasty with her . 'Now,' he thought. Still nothing. Total silence. The guy was amazed. So, thinking rapidly, he grabbed his girlfriends mother, threw her on the table, and did the deed. Still nothing. The guy was shocked. At this time, a distant sound of thunder announced a coming rainstorm. Thinking on his Harley, the guy pulled out the jar of vaseline, so that he could smear the chrome parts with it. At this time, the father stood up and said, 'Ok, that's enough. I'll do the dishes...'

roflmao, that was so fucking stupid too

I laughed at it hard, I got the joke, it was a good joke, but it was incredibly stupid IMO.

Most jokes are. *shrugs*

The point is whether or not they make one chuckle...or burst out laughing...

WS That rocked !!!!!

Insider, i thought this thread was for the jokes not you to pass judgement on what makes a good joke and what makes a bad joke...

Bugs dont worry the answer is in the mail....

Hey what do ya call a deer with only one eye .... answer no eyed deer
what ya call a deer with no legs and only one eye .... answer still no eyed deer
what ya call a dinosaur with only one eye.....answer doyathinkhesaurus


hey dont blame me these are from my g/f´s kid bro

A buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says 'make me one with everything'.

Insider: (hint)

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalotapus.



-^^-
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\___/

Hmm, tom just reminded me of a couple...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? ... Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your doorstep? ... Matt.
What do you call a cow with two legs? ... Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? ... Ground beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? ... Right where you left it.


As for the other part of tom's post, I agree, let's try and refrain from posting, "Wow, that sucked" when you didn't really find a joke funny or just didn't like it or whatever. If someone wants a joke critiqued, they can post it in their cell in the FaqWiki.


And I'm kinda surprised there were as many people who hadn't heard the Harley joke before as there were, haha. Anyways, back to the jokes...

Dark in here


A woman has a lover during the day, while her husband is
at work. When her 9-year-old son comes home
unexpectedly, she puts him in the closet and shuts the
door. Then her husband comes home, so she puts her
lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

Lover Man says, "Yes, it is."

Little Boy - "I have a baseball."

Lover Man - "That's nice."

Little Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Lover Man - "No, thanks."

Little Boy - "My dad's outside."

Lover Man - "OK, how much?"

Little Boy - "$175.00"

A few weeks later, it happens again. The boy and the
lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

The lover remembering the last time says to the boy,
"Okay, how much?"

Boy - "$375.00"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and
forth." The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy responds,"$550."

The father says, "That's terrible to take advantage of your
friends like that. That is far more than those two things
cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you
confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

LMAO

Shii, that one was great!

I have to dig up my old textfile with jokes and see if I've got any english ones.

hmm... oh, i guess you can't translate wordplay jokes that well from another language.

ahem...
Alligator sits down at a bar.
Beside him is a drunken barfly who keeps yelling at him about how crocodiles are better.
She is so annoying, he finally swallows her whole just to shut her up.
Then he turns to the bartender and asks for a pint.
Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
"What you don't serve Alligators?!" the Alligator says, outraged.
"No, we don't serve druggies." replies the bartender.
"What? I'm not a druggie!" says the Alligator.
"Oh yeah?" questions the bartender."What about that bar-bitch-u-ate?"

ahh... classic.

A leprechaun walks into a bar and he's got a steering wheel hanging off of his dick.
The people inquire as to how the steering wheel got on there, to which the leprechaun replies,
"I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

Ha! Oh man.... great stuff.

A man walking into a bar overhears two men talking.

"I'm serious, You can jump off the building across the street and the updraft will put you right back on the roof."

The man who just walked in jumps into the conversation, "You have to be kidding me. There is no way that can be true."

The first man replies, "You wanna bet?! I'll prove it to you. George here will be our witness."

So the three men truck over to the building across the street and climb up to the stair to the roof.

"Okay... let me see you do it then."

So the guy who had been talking in the bar jumps off the roof and sure enough he swoops back up into the air and lands right where he jumped off.

The other guy stares in disbelief, "Do that again!! I can't believe that. There has to be a rope or something."

"Go ahead check me out. I'm not tied to anything."

After checking to be sure that the man wasn't cheating he lets him jump again, and again he lands right where he jumped off the roof.

"Oh man!! I gotta try this."

The man turns and jumps off the roof. Down, down, down, he goes.... SPLAT!!!!

George turns to the man from the bar and says, "You sure can be an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

GrythusDraconis
"Be careful not to anger the Great Dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with Ketchup" T-Shirt Somewhere

Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS.

So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would
be a woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle
of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history


-^^-
--::--
\___/

Well, since InSiDeR brought up Jack Handy lines, I thought I'd trot out my favorite. When I was in university I lived right above the "environmental floor" (they had modules back then where people with like interests could live together). So we chose a nice Jack Handy quote and made a big poster for them:

If trees could scream, maybe we wouldn't be so cavalier about cutting them down.
Then again, maybe not, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

That's my personal favorite...

Anyway, some of the jokes in this thread are hysterical. This one is definitely going in my "favorite threads" list.

Cell 270